The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project

Well, good though the gig was, I thought the atmosphere was a bit subdued, TBH. That’s all relative, of course, but it took a good while for the moshpit to get going and when it did, it felt half-man-half-hearted. Musically it was great and the ax-swapping was something I haven’t seen before. I pity the bloke who (foolishly) sparked up later in the gig. My word, security are hot, fast and unbending at the Robin2.

The Olde White Rose is one to scratch from the list, I’m afraid. My pint after the gig was crap and there was only one poor woman doing her best behind the bar at 7pm, so we moved off to the Sir Henry Newbolt on the High Street – and what a miserable, godforsaken stretch of road that is! Before all that, Jitsu_G and me and a mate had met up in Wolvo and had some superb Bathams in The Great Western.

Only 6 weeks till Cambridge. I’m sure that place can offer more than the “delights” of Bilston. And the Travelodge (£32 when I booked) is only 20 yards from the venue. And I should have the Harry Quinn ready by then.

24 May 2013

I must say, after a couple of gigs where I thought it could be louder, I thought the volume was pretty good. Wools especially was ferocious. Perhaps I’m a bit deaf.

Anyway, that one certainly does win a setlist award. First time I’ve seen Fear My Wraith or San Antonio live, and a load of my favourites that aren’t staples – Irk, Monmore, Wrong Grave, Clocked On, Evening of Swing … excellent!

Isn’t that a second outing of the Skippy joke for Bilston?

24 May 2013

Twaas a top night of top tunes again. This is me second outing to the Robin to see Birkenhead s finest. Great set list couldn’t fault I could of listened to another 2hrs worth .

24 May 2013

Every time I see them they are better than the last time. And even though some of the set list were not my favourites this was a stellar gig.

Particularly liked the bit during the cover version when NB57 glances across to Ken and sings, ‘Like a Nine Stone Cowboy’.

24 May 2013

Stunning Gig, I met Nigel pre gig via Geoff brilliant 20 minutes, Glad you liked your “Got Not Got” copy

Loved the John Sjoberg LCFC shout out, Very good Nigel but where were the W’s?? and yes I’m still rejecting Layer terms

“Last Night I cried salt tears because there are no more worlds to conquer”

24 May 2013

Another fantastic night at a great venue.It was great to see a varied set list, although the songs were of the more sombre kind than normal.Maybe Nige was having a more reflective night, perhaps they picked the set list while at Halesowen Abbey.

24 May 2013

Fourth outing for me in 16 months, and probably the best. Have wanted to hear one of my favourites (Surging) live ever since first discovering the joys of AB. Wasn’t disappointed. Great venue to revisit (although negotiating the one way system of Bilston to get to the “right end” remains a frustrating chore). Friendly and boisterous crowd, cracking support and the BEST set list) from my point of view that I’ve seen. It’s a family really, isn’t it. A big, sweaty, portly happy family.

More soon please.

24 May 2013

Loved the comment before “light….tunnel”

This song is for anyone who’s been to south america

one or two cheers, hands up to show they’d been

at which point NB57 says

it’s called ” do you want a f***king medal”

Cue much embarrassment from an arm waver near me

24 May 2013

Excellent gig

Bit loud as Mike says, I must be equally old.

Loved the axe-swapping version of Footprints and the Rhinestone Cowboy cover. Come back to Halesowen Abbey soon boys.

24 May 2013

Another fine effort. Good sound, as ever; at Bilston. It was a bit loud, but perhaps that’s just because I am old.

The setlist for those interested: -

Asparagus
Ordinary
Leeuwarden
Surging out of Convalescence
Evening Sun
Left Lyrics
Clocked On
Evening of Swing
Totnes
Wrong Grave
San Antonio
Footprints
Bob Wilson
Shite Day
JDOG
Chatteris
Light Tunnel
Wraith
Trad Arr Tune
Bad Wools
Slipknot
Irk
AOR
***************
Fix It
Rhinestone Cowboy
Monmore
***************
DPAK
Trumpton

An eclectic slection and one or two trotted out for a rare run. Nice finish, they sneaked back on for a second encore and gestured ‘one more’ – slipping in two oldies.

Mike………………………………………………..

24 May 2013

From Asparagus to Trumpton, that was brilliant. And I knew the cover too (though admittedly there are as yet undiscovered tribes in Africa who would have known it too). A more eloquent perusal tomorrow….

24 May 2013

Rhinestone Cowboy during the first of two encores, tonight in Bilston

24 May 2013

When are the lads back in Sheffield or the surrounding areas? i.e. Rotherham, Albion Road WMC would be a great venue!!

23 May 2013

Really good curry house directly opposite the Robin if I remember right. More a takeway actually but couple of a tables available.

23 May 2013

I’m not there..please do! Hope Dean Friedman turns up again! I was there for that one.

23 May 2013

Just heard sound check of tonight’s cover. Clearly I am not going to spoil it for everyone .

23 May 2013

Well the olde white rose isn’t too busy at the moment although there does seem to be a pensioners darts tourney going on. Maybe I’ll hide a few pints around the place in anticipation of chaos at the bar later on

23 May 2013

I’m fairly sure that in the distant past I’ve heard a very similar bottleneck/acoustic slide intro to another version of ‘Six White Horses’/‘See that my Grave is kept Clean’, but I can’t remember what version. Not Blind Lemon Jefferson’s version (or any of those that follow it like Dylan’s or BB King’s) obviously. Or it might just have been an intro to another old acoustic blues standard.

It does seem likely that (oh no!) Eno or Bono may have been influenced by the same style, and possibly even by the very same intro to an old blues number, when producing the track that you cite Lauren, but this is surely a case of the two intros sharing the same/similar antecedents, rather than one influencing the other – if NB57 ever quoted anything from U2 he would surely do it as a very obvious pisstake?

Incidentally BrumBiscuit, a quick google does reveal that St. Bono of Hewson has said he was influenced by ‘Paris Texas’ in the lyrics of this song – so possibly it had a musical influence as well, or producer Eno suggested one during the process?

Anyway, NB57′s own slidey bit doesn’t seem to have “little to do with” the rest of the song to me. A great slide intro.

PS – Here’s another 80′s band whose sound was very influenced by the same kind of bottleneck/pedal steel sounds, with another similar intro.

23 May 2013

I’m always reminded of the soundtrack to Paris, Texas by Ry Cooder when I hear it, but others will know better, I’m sure.

23 May 2013

Is it me, or does the intro to this go a lot like ‘Running To Stand Still‘? It’s got so little to do with the rest of the song that it almost has to be a reference to something.

23 May 2013

@TT82

A few of us are having a jar or two in the Great Western in Wolvo, then hopping on the tram to Bilston to eat in the Olde White Rose – or elsewhere if it’s as disorganised as last time. We’ll be there from about 6. Feel free to join us for some of the Black Country’s finest ales, a la CAMRA Man.

22 May 2013

@TT82: The gig’s about 3 miles along the A41 from Wolverhampton centre (you can get a tram direct to Bilston though, 4 stops from St George’s).

22 May 2013

oh, and if anyone wants picking up along the way from Newcastle (via A1, M62, M6(ster)), happy to pick-up, cant do drop-off tho as staying there a few days.

22 May 2013

I am heading down from Newcastle, staying in Wolves, no idea where the pubs are in Wolves or how to get to gig, never mind will look for various tee-shirts/football shirts/etc. and hopefully tag along.
Might even wear a Gateshead FC football top to confuse the masses, ‘Heed Army! ‘Heed Army!

22 May 2013

The last song on Richard Allinson’s show on Radio 2 yesterday was Stay With Me Till Dawn…

…then it was time for the news…

22 May 2013

Half Man Half Biscuit at The Grand Pavilion, Matlock Bath

Evan Cotter, The Ruckus, 21 May 2013

“…They did, of course, play the song that probably brought 80% of us here; The Light At The End Of The Tunnel (Is The Light Of An Oncoming Train). This is a song in which the lovelorn protagonist is bemoaning the fact he has been dumped in favor of “featureless TV producer Steve” and the bright lights of London, at one point reasoning “when you’re in Matlock Bath, you don’t need Silvia Plath, not when they’ve got Mrs. Gibson’s jam”. I swear to God I’ve never sung a lyric louder. It was a special moment in which all of this effort confirmed itself as a brilliant idea. I remember embracing Séan and congratulating myself on being there.”

Full article here

22 May 2013

@ Brumbiscuit In Bilston, every day is National Shite Day.

21 May 2013

Brum Biscuit – cheers for info, I won’t know if I have spare ticket until I get stood up bt as she’s not replying to texts & e-mails @ the mo

20 May 2013

Yebbut, we’re getting three in our room and I was quoting the price when I posted – my room, booked last September, was £15, so there with brass knobs on! Last time I looked, rooms at the Robin were £50+, so you got yourself a deal there. I just hope you don’t have brooms for company

The first time I went to Bilston, it was a bleak, foggy January Saturday. My birthday to be precise. It was dire. I was expecting tumbleweed to come flying down it was that desolate. It hasn’t got any better.

20 May 2013

Don’t want to upset Brumbiscuit, so I won’t tell him that my room at the “not cheap” Robin cost me less than his travelodge! (although I did book it last October).

I remember wandering round Bilston the morning after DF joined them on stage – it saya something about the town when you think the nicest looking shopfront was the local undertakers.

20 May 2013

Monmore Green opens at 6.30 on Thursday evening for a 7.25 start of the racing, should anyone fancy a pre-gig flutter and PBR.

I’ve told my mate that the Great Western does Bathams, so he’s up for it. He’ll be in a short-sleeved Dukla Prague Away top. Following that, it’s the metro to Bilston Central and the delights of the OWR – hopefully.

20 May 2013

And yet another thing…

@ J “S” W

Go to the home page and look for Stuart Vallantine’s Half Map Half Biscuit for place references.

19 May 2013

Mary Anne Hobbs,obviously unfazed by the nightly robbing of her massive mobs, just namechecked ‘Irk The Purists’ (in its manifesto capacity) on her R6M breakfast show.

19 May 2013

And another thing…

@John “Shorts” Waters, if you do have a spare ticket, let me know & I will buy it off you.

19 May 2013

The Great Western is here: http://goo.gl/maps/ZKWr7

However, it is really hidden away. When you come out of the main Wolvo entrance, turn right and walk along the station facade, towards the Transport Police nick. After 30-40 yards, you’ll come to some steps on the right. Go down those and turn right at the bottom and keep going. You’ll embrace the margins of a car park for a couple of hundred yards until The Great Western appears, as if by magic.

Should Chris, the Siteowner wish to pass on my email address to you and John Waters, I shall give you my mobile number. I’ll be in a Dickie Davies hoodie.

@ John “Shorts” Waters, the OWR is here: http://goo.gl/maps/NME18 with the route to the Robin2 on. <5 mins walk between the two places. I've added the Trumpet (Holdens) and the Sir Henry Newbolt (Wetherpoos) to the map, but they are in the wrong direction, though only 10 mins walk or so. (Enough for me to miss Joy in Leeuwarden last time!)

19 May 2013

@ brumbiscuit

I am getting into town ealy afternoon and staying at the robin hotel. Will probably get the tram back upto wolves and check out the great western. Look out for the retro honved.

18 May 2013

The Old White Rose sounds okay(ish) but I’m not English so may need directions – due to arrive in Wolver 16:30, shave, shower, etc and put my Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral shirt on and should be there for food 7ish

See anyone who’s there there, otherwise I wont

18 May 2013

Hope to see many of you in Bilston (may have a spare ticket – depends how bad I’ve screwed up :~

By the way has anyone tried compiling a list of places in Biscuits songs that I can visit – probably something to do rather than write on the soles of my slipper with a biro

18 May 2013

@Jitsu_G

I’ll be at a loose end too on Thursday. TBH, Bilston probably will allow you to kill 5 minutes, so we will possibly/probably go to the Great Western near Wolvo Station first, then head on down to Bilston on the metro – <10 mins away.

The OWR has a Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Olde-White-Rose/257364700974737?ref=ts&fref=ts&rf=111393028922436 so I shall also remind them that hordes will be descending on Thursday.

18 May 2013

I shall be paying the OWR another visit next week but as I have got an afternoon to kill in Bilston I’ll be there before the hordes descend. The fishpond in Matlock bath the other week was struggling to keep up with demand pre gig. Perhaps an early warning message can be sent to these understaffed boozers warning them of what is to come

18 May 2013

Add Yngwie Malmsteen to the list of people who turn 50 in the Spring/Summer of 2013. You know who you all are. As do I…

18 May 2013

Having spent most of the last three days on hold while trying to get an appointment with my GP, it has just occurred to me that the godawful rendition of “There’s No Place Like Home” one is forced to listen to for fifteen minutes until being suddenly being cut off was almost certainly played on an instrument obtained from a well-known high street retailer.

For £24.99…

17 May 2013

I’ve never seen a pavement with “Pedestrians and children” written on it…it *is* narked, surely. “Pedestrians” and “children with chalk” are the two groups of people narked by the parked car.

17 May 2013

@John Chatterton.
See #5,7 &8 above

17 May 2013

surely the first two lines are “the car that’s parked on a pavement marked ‘pedestrians and children’ with chalk” – i.e there is a pavement marked “Pedestrians and Children” and some shitehawk has parked his car there? – the with chalk bit seems a bit weird if it is narked

17 May 2013

Shouldn’t it be “my fears would relate to my skids”? That just seems to make more sense to me – I do reserve the right to be wrong though.

17 May 2013

Obligatory Fred Titmus quote in this morning’s Over-by-Over in the Guardian.

17 May 2013

And now I’ve noticed, at the top of this thread, that the ‘no S’ issue has already been addressed. I’ll just go and find a naughty chair to sit on….

17 May 2013

And, yes, when I say ‘checking’ I actually mean ‘nicking’. Hope you don’t mind, Chris…

17 May 2013

I was just checking the lyrics of this to post on the Guardian’s Readers Recommend column (this week’s subject is magazines) and noticed ‘I wrote to the Horse and Hounds’. The magazine is actually called ‘Horse and Hound’. (See also Mary Hopkin. She must despair).

17 May 2013

The teeth-chattering classes could rent a whole terrace in Hebden Bridge for that price.

14 May 2013

Not pots. Not pox. Pods.
http://www.moorlandscp.co.uk/Camping-Pods.html

14 May 2013

Thanks for that Chris. Must say I prefer your uncapitalised ‘care bear’ over the version in that book, for the usual reason (see my comments on ‘paradise lost’ et al).

And the reason it has to be ‘Ultra Sur’ simply the way that our language, like Spanish, tends to use the singular form when using nouns as adjectives. If it was just a noun, say ‘the songs of the Ultras Sur’ it could actually be written either way, as the Spanish do sometimes say ‘Los Ultra Sur’, referring to members of a collective body.

13 May 2013

Finally tracked down the Richard Russell book mentioned by Peter Gandy above. And here’s the relevant page.

13 May 2013

Saw that picture of Savile and Thatcher, now I know where Nadine Dorries came from.

13 May 2013

Last time they played Bilston it was CAMRA night at the OWR. After waiting half an hour to get served Jitsu G + I despaired of ever tasting the hops and repaired to the Wetherspoons (The Sir Henry Newbolt), which is OK.
Play up! play up! and play the game!

12 May 2013

On ‘The A-Z of gardening’ this morning on BBC 1 they were singing the praises of a rose called ‘A Shropshire Lad’.

12 May 2013

Being a CAMRA Man, I did recommend the Olde White Rose and The Trumpet, both bostin’ boozers in Bilston. However, there is a Wetherspoons in the High Street and I may be tempted to take my 50p-off vouchers along there. Then again, The Great Western, near Wolvo station is also a very good Holdens’ joint and sells Bathams – Black Country’s finest, IMHO.

I got my ticket this week & my latest t-shirt has just arrived. Rather good it is too, if I say so myself. The Harry Quinn project has temporarily stuttered to a halt, but should be ready in time for Cambridge.

It’s nearly three years since Deano strutted on stage in Bilston. I wonder if Ian “Sludge” Lees can be dragged along, seeing as he’s a sort-of local. On second thoughts, I hope not…

11 May 2013

might be worth asking this lot about the “much, much more”

http://thegoodreview.co.uk/

“We were always told if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all!
We are a good news, happy go-lucky, flipside of the coin, other side of the rainbow, everyone’s a winner sort of a website. We look at fringe, London based and regional theatre, old and new films, current events, festivals, gigs and much… much more and we pick out the ones we liked or really think we should advertise and we review it here, for you.
You won’t find anything we didn’t like here, because we haven’t reviewed it therefore we hope our reviews are constructive rather than destructive.”

9 May 2013

@DF: The fans certainly call themselves Ultras Sur. However, assuming Julio is chanting on his own, Ultra Sur is probably more accurate. Either way, it’s two words, after the Fondo Sur (South End) of the Bernabéu.

8 May 2013

Earlier mentions of Eddie Argos here on this site included a link to this interview with him.

7 May 2013

Not wanting to become involved in a triangular argument, @ExR + VoQN, but I suspect the chainsawed triangles are supposed to be of cow, not Dairylea, and could therefore be of whatever side ratio you wish.
(I think this abrupt lurch from telly-advert tweeness to blood-splattered literalism, and the cheerful disregard for normal syntax, were among the first indications that we had a genius on our hands.)

5 May 2013

“Top, top players” shows a keen ear for linguistically-challenged football pundits; Paul “Merse” Merson on Soccer Saturday is particularly fond of this form of superlative, as in “…they’ve got some top players, I mean some top, top players.”

Also, being of Servo-Croat descent, I was mildly let down by the slight mis-pronunciation of (the correctedly spelled in the lyrics here) dobro došli, which should be pronounced “dobro doshly” but instead Nigel seems to sing “dobro dolshy” – still, a good effort, and I’m clearly nit-picking.

Incidentally, I’m writing this on a train from East Croydon to Brighton, where I’m stood next to a Scottish female and Northern Irish male, who by their shirts I can see are members of the Highbury Korfball Club, who just got on the wrong train and are therefore going to be late for their pool game against Cambridge. Oh, the intrigue…

5 May 2013

Won’t be singing this out loud for a while.

4 May 2013

I imagine it’s probably been mentioned elsewhere, but I don’t have the stamina to trawl through twelve months’ worth of PBRs; just got through watching Martin McDonagh’s film Seven Psychopaths, and was naturally delighted by the all-too-brief snatch of Trumpton Riots that got played in the one scene. This surely must be the first time a Biccies song has ever graced a Hollywood movie?

4 May 2013

Never heard of Eddie Argos – that’s a shame. “I fought the floor and the floor won”… They’re on at the Scala end of this month

3 May 2013

The office I was working in yesterday had a fire so I was stuck outside for an hour and a half with a reality-impaired colleague that I hadn’t seen for a while. She was telling me about her Schnauzer’s twitter account.

(NB “Schnauzer” is not a euphemism).

2 May 2013

Can’t say I’ve ever heard of Eddie Argos – a cut-price Nicky Tesco, possibly. Art Brut’s stuff sounds pretty good though.

2 May 2013

The ‘Last Night A Record Changed My Life’ bit in the June MOJO is a piece by Eddie Argos of Art Brut, on ‘This Leaden Pall’. Maybe runs to a third of a page, so it’s an easy read whilst browsing in Smiths (other high street newsagents are available).

Page 25, should you care.

1 May 2013

First Grand Pavilion live show takes the biscuit

Derby Telegraph, Tuesday, April 30

AN HISTORIC pavilion which is having a £2.6 million refurbishment has seen a record number of people attend its first live music event.

Five hundred people visited the Grand Pavilion, in Matlock Bath, on Friday to see indie punk band Half Man Half Biscuit.
​
The pavilion closed its doors as a nightclub in 2008. The building, which dates from 1910, has since reopened and has been used for art and music events.

Andie Brazewell, head of events at the pavilion, said: “The event took a lot of planning and co-ordination, including building development, catering, bars, ticketing and volunteer staffing.

“It was the first time we had done such a large live gig. Everything went really well.”

Grand Pavilion chairman Gregor Macgregor said: “When we started our rescue of the building we all agreed that using it straight away was a vital objective.

“The success of this event will help us enormously in gaining funding for our project. We attracted fans from all over Britain. Visitors have stayed in accommodation nearby and spent money in the shops and restaurants.

“We have shown the magnetic power of the building in bringing people into Matlock Bath and stimulating the local economy.”

Original story

1 May 2013

Might I humbly suggest: “The fourteenth fairground sign today…”?

Of the various brown UK “tourist” road signs, the ones used to designate theme parks include a picture of woodland and a carousel, as seen here. I think it scans ever so slightly better. Have another listen and see what you think…

1 May 2013

My lovely wife (a Matlock native) bought us tickets. We had a cracking night although her paranoia about the lack of a physical ticket almost led to a dunking in the Derwent on the walk up from the station car park. Once we’d safely negotiated the wristband dispensing desk and she had a pint of BG Sips in her hand we were able to relax.

My son said it was his favourite ever gig, which is saying something seeing as I made him listen to my ukulele version of “The light at the end of the tunnel” recently. He and I spent a large proportion of the night in the very friendly and welcoming moshpit causing leg aches that only subsided yesterday. A great show and a great venue.

1 May 2013

Well done Matlock Bath, as an ex-local It was good to be inside the’Pav’ again especially since it now hosts real music and neither a sticky carpet nor a glitter ball in sight! Excellent gig all told, fantastic atmosphere and another blinding performance. My enjoyment was only marred by the bar running prematurely dry – managed to rectify things in the PV afterwards though. Roll on Stockton…

30 April 2013

We were there on the eve of a disastrous Half Man Half Bike Kit tour. The Charles B and B / chippy lost our booking, but we were rescued by Roger of the Gables who put us up in his caravan (static, naturally).

Great gig – thought it was a particularly good Joy in Leeuwarden. Incidentally, NB was giving odds on the Giro d’Italia correctly pointing out that you can get 20-1 on Sammy Sanchez.

We made it to Saltergate in Chesterfield the next day, then the Crucible on Sunday for some Len Ganley posturing.

30 April 2013

To be honest I haven’t eaten one for a while – getting a piece of tinfoil stuck down the side of a dodgy filling is a pain that once experienced is never forgotten – but from memory dairylea triangles are not triangular. If they were, they wouldn’t fit in a circular container. They are, math speaking, a sector. They are more isoscelesy than equilaterally but, strictly speaking, they are neither.

30 April 2013

Sorry for holding the queue up. That was me with my e-ticket. Still, a nice chat with Nigel and Neil outside the venue had lifted my mood. Fantastic gig as usual despite merchandise bloke trying to convince me that I’m an extra large..

30 April 2013

Gez’s site mentions the Mr Benn reference “the shopkeeper appeared”, but not that the guitar bit after it is the theme from the programme. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMSJNrzQ3PM
(Well, some people might not know.)

30 April 2013

I bumped into Isobel Suttie who plays Dobby in Peep Show in The Fishpond.
She said she was a bit of a HMHB fan, and was with mates from matlock where she was brought up.

30 April 2013

Iron entering the soul is indeed biblical: Psalm 105:18 (Book of Common Prayer) ‘Whose feet they hurt in the stocks: the iron entered into his soul’.

30 April 2013

@Vendor as a legend of this site I bow to your maths (or math as our American cousins would have it). But a Dairylea triangle (nor a Laughing Cow for that matter) is not equilateral. Hence my discomforture.

30 April 2013

I couldn’t make it to this one, so v. grateful for all your reviews and comments.

But @Not Roger Green. The A50 is one the quickest roads to anywhere, ever. I’d consider going that way to almost anywhere at all, if I was still a genuine resident of the Wirral Peninsula (rather than a fictional construct).

@everyone. Nobody has yet mentioned that during one of the many interludes when Ken was tuning up, Nigel apparently played a few lines of George Jones’ classic ‘He Stopped Loving Her Today’ and then rammed straight into ‘Vatican Broadside’.

The strange thing is that I was reliably informed the next day (during a mass pitch invasion by Bournemouth fans, as it happened) that the frontman did not know until after the gig that George had taken his final lawnmower to the bar in the stars earlier that very day.

It’s a gift really, rather than a curse.

29 April 2013

Wow, “Fear My Wraith” for a second show running, after not having been heard since 2006, and now “Ready Steady Goa” joins the setlist too, after an equally long 7-year absence.

29 April 2013

(As ever, first published on Gez’s site)

Let’s get a few logistical observations out of the way. Things were a bit suspect from the outset. The 485 had only taken me a few miles from home when it broke down outside Crofton High School. Maybe the bus is still there. The driver tried the usual trick – revving really hard, but we were clearly going nowhere. I was impressed by his description of the vehicle as “a bag of bollocks”, but was even more impressed by his ability to get us onto the 194 which was following on behind, and got everyone safely into Wakefield. From there it was the train to Derby (stopping at Sheffield and Chesterfield), changing there for the one to Matlock Bath (calling at Duffield, Belper, Ambergate, Whatstandwell and Cromford). Matlock Bath station has a quaint appearance, where you expect Bernard Cribbins to scamper out of the manager’s office to collect the post delivery. Or perhaps you might see John Betjeman meandering down the platform, composing a poem. Sadly there is no such luck in this post-Beeching age. There is merely total silence, and the ghosts of time gone by.

A further logistical observation concerns the tickets for these shows. A feature of our modern enlightened age is the prevalence of the e-ticket. It is now too much to expect a “proper” ticket when you make a purchase. Instead you receive what appears to be known as a Booking Reference. The theory (presumably) is that you whisper this reference number into the ear of the security personnel, and this gets you into the venue. But it doesn’t quite work like that. You end up in a queue for a proceedure which reminds me of going to vote. They check off your name on a list. Instead of getting a voting slip you are given a wristband. And away you go. I would never have a pop at anyone who promotes a HMHB gig, but it never fails to surprise me when I get charged a Booking Fee and I get expected to do a lot of the work. What’s wrong with a ticket handwritten by the town clerk, countersigned by the mayor and featuring the official town stamp, instead of all this hi tech gubbins? Just a minor gripe. But I’m sure that the guys who were in the queue in front of me would agree. They had received their Booking Reference by text on their mobile. But their names did not appear on the list at the desk. They didn’t appear to have done much wrong, and presumably they had also been charged a Booking Fee. But there was still a problem. Maybe we should all laugh these things off as a Twenty Four Hour Garage People moment.

I made a few notes about Matlock Bath itself. I can not confirm or deny the existence of Mrs Gibson’s jam, but I did not see any hard and fast evidence. The line in The Light At The End Of The Tunnel may be based on the Mrs Bridges brand. Much of this was available at the Mining Museum (curds, chutney, marmalade etc). Another feature for the tourist is the cable car to The Heights Of Abraham. This did not provide for the cheapest afternoon I have ever had, but there was a fine view from the top of Prospect Tower. Back in the town I bumped into Geoff and listened to tales of yore. Seeing The Beatles supporting Kenny Ball And The Jazzmen must have been a fine night out. I also attempted to glean info on future plans for HMHB. I had best not put anything in writing until we have official confirmation, but it certainly looks like there will be life after the Cambridge gig in July. And there will be another CD somewhere in the dim and distant.

The Grand Pavillion lies directly across the road from The Fishpond, scene of past HMHB heroics. The art deco outer is impressive on the eye, but the inside has obviously been neglected. Thanks to the time and efforts of a number of locals, it looks like things are going to change. So good luck to them. As Nigel pointed out from the stage, the decoration seemed to show the Relief Of Mafeking, which is probably when it was last given a lick of paint. Let’s hope for another visit some time.

After a musical build-up on the PA, featuring Donna Summer and Diana Ross, Sonnenberg appeared on stage. They have supported HMHB many times before. I’ve always seen them as an ambient, folky type of band, with their collection of mandolin, tabla and e-bow. But as their show went on, they morphed into something a bit heavier, adopting a more traditional guitar, bass, drums line-up. Judas? Very interesting as always, and they were good enough to lead a chorus of Happy Birthday to Geoff.

A blast of Tchaikovsky accompanied HMHB onto stage. “It’s all downhill after Tchaikovsky,” announced Nigel ahead of the first song. He was keen to draw my attention to the band’s route to the gig. A50 round Derby, and A6 via Belper and Duffield apparently. Fair enough, but that seems a long way round from Birkenhead. Petty Sessions was announced as being about dying inwardly when someone introduces you to their quietly spoken friends. Nigel asked if anyone had been to see Pere Ubu. He was impressed with their CD. And he said he had got hold of their set list before the gig, and had a schadenfreude feeling about a guy constantly shouting out for a particular song, while Nigel knew full well that they were not going to play it. Slight nod towards Bonnie Tyler as she seeks out Eurovision glory. “Once upon a time I was living inland, now I’ve got a flat on the coast.” There was a balls-up of the line about Mary Had A Little Lamb in 99% of Gargoyles. You would think he would get it right after all these years. When asked about Tony Gubba, Nigel said it was unexpected. “Although of course it might not have been unexpected if I had known him.” Nigel was asked if they still play Secret Gig. “Now and again, but not tonight.” The line at the end of Lock Up Your Mountain Bikes was “Before the Gods were born, that’s when I first said we’d finish 12th.” Tranmere’s demise, of course. Actually, didn’t they actually end up 11th? The football theme continued with some chat about Martin Jol. “He ought to do an album of Crooning Classics. He has a superb voice for it.” Judging from heckles, it sounds like “Play one the drummer knows” is close to overtaking “What did God give us, Neil?”. The Rotherham Postie needs to get to more gigs to even things up. Nigel pondered out loud the latest odds for the Tour De France. No mention of Chris Froome, though. Everything’s AOR was “in B”. And the evening’s cover version threw me. Fortunately Neil, on post-gig stage clearance duties, was able to help me out. The Velvet Underground has never been my strong point. The show went as follows…

San Antonio Foam Party
Totnes Bickering Fair
When The Evening Sun Goes Down
Petty Sessions
Joy In Leeuwarden
Irk The Purists
Fear My Wraith
99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd
For What Is Chatteris
Lock Up Your Mountain Bikes
Third Track Main Camera Four Minutes
Bob Wilson Anchorman
This Leaden Pall
Left Lyrics In The Practice Room
National Shite Day
We Built This Village On A Trad Arr Tune
Look Dad No Tunes
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
Trumpton Riots
Rock N Roll Is Full Of Bad Wools
Vatican Broadside
Fix It So She Thinks Of Me
Fuckin’ ‘Ell It’s Fred Titmus
Everything’s AOR

And in the encore

Femme Fatale
Ready Steady Goa
Joy Division Oven Gloves

And that was it. Back to the excellent Ashdale Guest House. But it was a bit disappointing that all the chip shops had closed.

29 April 2013

@kingsbeef

I despair…

29 April 2013

@ER.

A pedant writes: (on this site, surely not).

Neither isosceles, equilateral or scalene. The necessary chainsaw should be one which can hew out a sector. Said triangles are actually made of dubious cheese goo framed by two radii and an arc.

29 April 2013

Excuse the delay, but decorating and reconstruction has taken over my life. I’m sure that Roger Green will have come up with the goods by now, but just in case, here is the set list for apéritif: -

San Antonio
Totnes
Evening Sun
Petty Sessions
Leeuwarden
Irk
Fear My Wraith
Bob Todd
Chatteris
Mountain Bikes
Third Track Main Camera Four Minutes
Bob Wilson
This Leaden Pall
Left Lyrics
Shite Day
Trad Arr Tune
Look Dad
Light Tunnel
Trumpton
Bad Wools
V. Broadside
Fix It
Fred Titmus
AOR
……………………………………..
Femme Fatale
Ready Steady Goa
JDOG

Very passable effort at a Velvets classic, I thought. Extremely interesting venue in many ways. Sound was good after about four tracks, when they seemed to ‘click’. The guys were on good form. Lots of good things to say, n time to say them. Make time, boy.

Mike……………………………………………..

29 April 2013

I absolutely loved this venue. It couldn’t be more perfect for them with the peeling paint and plaster and the wonky bar selling real ale. This was the first one I was able to get pissed for, because I normally drive. My quote from the book of revelations is that booze isn’t actually all that necessary to enjoy them but it does make you forget the setlist. Has anyone typed it out?

29 April 2013

Blissful joy at Matlock Bath, the crowd, the moshpit and the spotlights too.Methinks the set by the lads was so tight, if each of them had a piece of coal up their arse by the end of the proceedings they would of all had a diamond popping out ! All quality, 99%, Totnes Bickering Fair, National shite Day,TLATEOTTITLOAOT,to name but a few. Highlight for me was ‘Everything’s A.O.R’ (always been a favourite). Spotted the oven gloves waving about in the pit, made me chuckle as did Nigel’s ” oh we’ve done that one!!!!” Brilliant. I am now going into the loft to find my tennis racket so i can put it up against my face and pretend I’m Kendo Nagasaki. Cheers now

29 April 2013

Funnily enough, I’ve recently rediscovered This Leaden Pall, both the album (arguably their first truly great record) and the track, which they played a cracking version of here. I wonder if the pope and his entourage have heard it. Or Chester Barnes for that matter?
For a merest split second half way through I thought the boys weren’t going to play The Light at the end of the Tunnel. But of course they did, just waiting for the moment. And the place went wild…
This is a band right at the top of it’s game. That was pretty obvious to everyone there I thought. A bit odd in a way, you’d have thought twenty-odd years down the road they’d be approaching their twilight years. Or something.

29 April 2013

Well, it has been over 25 years I’ve called myself a fan but this weekend is the first time I have managed to haul myself to a hmhb gig, inspired in part by the fact that it was at such an iconic (locally) venue and I have to say I was blown away by the performance. It is a genuine treat, fan or not, to see any act who can hold a crowd’s attention like that, even in the very few moments of down-time.

The biggest pleasure for me is the joy of hearing those incredible, early songs played so well, in a slick, clear and full-on way. Hearing them like this is like releasing them from their £30 production history without spoiling them with a re-make. 99%OGLLBT was my highlight. Proof, if it were required that this is a timeless act with timeless material and a frontman of immense genius and timeless wit.

I don’t know if I’m lucky to have caught one of their better performances or if I’m unlucky not to have seen more like it, but I have come home a happy man.

29 April 2013

@Davek strictly speaking, she would need an isosceles chainsaw. Thanks for bringing this up; it has been bothering me for years.

28 April 2013

First time at a HMHB gig at Matlock but a fan for many-a-year. Just brilliant. Missus came too. She had no idea about their music – first time she’d heard their songs was in the car on the way to Matlock! And she loved it too! Top night, great atmosphere, bizarre venue. Thanks to everyone. And my Achtung Bono fridge magnet will have pride of place at work.

28 April 2013

That must have been high energy water the guys were drinking as that was probably the most energetic performance from Nigel I’ve seen in a long while and even Ken moved to centre stage once and Carl banged the drums like he had been possessed by some dark demonic force. Mosh pit was in full swing from the first track and the guys energy seemed to transcend to the watching faithful, who bounced around and sang their heads off like it was their last day on earth. Fantastic as always and Stockton is my next port of call, so roll on June.

28 April 2013

@John “Shorts” Waters

I will be staying in the Wolvo Central Travelodge. It’s not that close to the actual gig, but it’s £26 for the room for the evening in question. I’ll be taking the Metro to Bilston from Wolvo – a 10-15-min journey.

The Robin2 does B&B and so does the Olde White Rose – a proper real ale pub. Both are either at the venue, or a stone’s throw away, but they ain’t cheap.

I shall be drinking and eating at the Olde White Rose that night IF they get their act together and have more than one very put-upon barmaid on duty. If not, it’s the Trumpet; a well-known jazz haunt that sells the very good local ale – Holdens. The Olde White Rose’s carvery is a real steal. It must be good – take a look at the size of the chef!!!

27 April 2013

Missed the pre- , but the Princess Victoria was the place for the after party, that’s for sure. Still regretting not asking the singer if he knew Vatican Broadside…

27 April 2013

Wondering how to get to Bilston and where to stay – any suggestions?

26 April 2013

I wouldn’t get too excited about this bloke’s review, Chris, he’s going to have his work cut out being a regular visitor to the other 670,000 sites he’s sent the same message to.

26 April 2013

Popped into the bookies to hear the radio commentary say “Monmore hare’s running”.

Made my day

26 April 2013

A friend was having trouble removing the foil from a Dairylea triangle the other day. I suggested she use an equilateral chainsaw.

26 April 2013

Looking forward to Matlock Bath; the Pavillion is in a sad state of disrepair from what it was in its heyday but now gigs and events are being held once more as a group are trying to restore it, oh and best pint for those wanting a beer beforehand is the Princess Victoria pub just down the road… Not the pub opposite

26 April 2013