Because I ain’t got a job (The Lists Thread)
Right, by popular demand, a chance for you lot to start making loads of lists. Beware of the fans who type out their lists and all that.
I’ve given individual pages to certain lists:
Those No Longer In Need Of Season Tickets
Here’s the list of “curse of HMHB” victims in order of how long they outlived being mentioned on the records, maintained by Charles Exford.
The Murder Ballads
Exford again: “More murders per album than Nick Cave, more suicide than Morrissey, and more general mayhem than in the Best of Johnny Cash, but most people still just seem to quote the jokes.”
This sounds like a class rant
The politics of Half Man Half Biscuit, examined by Third Rate Les In His Burberry Fez
But before that, the lists that got the ball rolling…
Go on. Tweet a link to this page.
213 Letters Sent:
Emerging From Gorse
Been working on my own utterly pointless, time-consuming Biscuit project*, and in the absence of anywhere suitable to post it, this seems as good a place as any.
Listed below is what I consider to be the definitive index (though I will undoubtedly be proved wrong!) of groups/musicians/singers/one-hit wonders namechecked by HMHB on record (excluding Peel session versions).
Included are artists not mentioned by their full name but to whom the reference is obvious (e.g. Einsturzende Neubauten, Paul Weller, Velvet Underground), as well as a few who made a splash in the hit parade despite not being renowned for their musical mastery (Benny Hill, Keith Harris, Robson Green & Keith Allen [part of Fat Les]).
I await the countless corrections/omissions…..
After The Fire
Akkerman, Jan
Alessi
Allen, Keith
Alquin
Armstrong, Louis
Ball, Michael
Barlow, Lou
Bauhaus
Belle Epoque
Blackfoot Sue
Bonnie Prince Billy
Bono
Boone, Pat
Bootleg Beatles
Bream, Julian
Broudie, Ian
Buckley, Jeff
Bunyan, Vashti
Burgh, Chris de
Can
Captain Beefheart
Cassidy, Eva
Chapterhouse
Chas ‘n’ Dave
Cheap Trick
Cher
Clan of Xymox
Climie Fisher
Cocteau Twins
Cohen, Leonard
Coltrane, John
Corrs, The
Cradle of Filth
Crispy Ambulance
CSNY
Cutler, Adge
Dando, Evan
Davis, Miles
Deacon Blue
Del Amitri
Dif Juz
Dogs d’Amour
Dominique, Lisa
Drake, Nick
Dundas, David
Echo & The Bunnymen
Edge, The
Einsturzende Neubauten
ELO
ELP
Eno, Brian
Enya
Faithful, Marianne
Fall, The
Fenton, Shane
Flintlock
Focus
Frampton, Peter
Frazier Chorus
Friedman, Dean
Fripp, Robert
Giltrap, Gordon
Goodman, Benny
Goombay Dance Band
Green, Robson
Hall & Oates
Hammond, Albert
Harris, Keith
Hayward, Justin
Hill, Benny
Holland, Jools
Hopkin, Mary
Houston, Whitney
Hudson Ford
Husker Du
Hynde, Chrissie
Iglesias, Julio
Iommi, Tony
Journey
Joy Division
Kiss
Kitt, Eartha
Korn
Kramer, Wayne
Krokus
Labradford
Leadbelly
Leandros, Vicky
Lee, Arthur
Lennox, Annie
Leskanich, Katrina
Love
Malkmus, Steve
Malmsteen, Yngwie
Mamas & The Papas
Manic Street Preachers
May, Brian
MC5
Meatloaf
Medicine Head
Millican & Nesbitt
Mogul Thrash
Monopoly, Tony
Moore, Thurston
Morrissey
Motley Crue
Nail, Jimmy
Nazareth
Nicks, Stevie
Numan, Gary
O’Dowd, George
Ono, Yoko
Palace Brothers, The
Peters, Mike
PFM
Placebo
Prag Vec
Reeves, Jim
REO Speedwagon
Rollins, Henry
Runrig
Rush
Sad Café
Sade
Sarstedt Peter
Scaggs, Boz
Sebadoh
Shady, Slim
Shakur, Tupac
Shankar, Ravi
Shend, The
Simply Red
Singh, Talvin
Sinitta
Sleater-Kinney
Slipknot
Smith, Patti
Sparks
Steely Dan
Stewart, Dave
Stills, Stephen
Sting
Stone, Sly
Straker, Nick
Strawbs
Stryper
Styx
Sun Ra
Sylvian, David
10,000 Maniacs
Tallulah Gosh
Throwing Muses
Tindersticks
T’pau
Tzuke, Judy
Vandross, Luther
Vega, Suzanne
Velvet Underground
Vow Wow
Waters, Muddy
Weller, Paul
Wheatstraw, Peetie
*Oh, and in no way whatsoever was I implying that the Lyrics project was utterly pointless! Clearly it is one of the finest sites and most admirable projects on the interweb thingy!
Apr 9th, 2010
Charles Exford
Wow, brilliant, what a fabulous waste of time (just when I was telling myself it’s time to get some work done this afternoon)….
It’s a pity you’re only putting them in if they’re actually name-checked, though, as for example Steve Howe is referred to in 2 separate songs, even though his name isn’t actually mentioned of course.
Gabriel (sponsoring the Moshpits) does fit your rule, though. As do “Doors, Floyd, etc”
And I notice (by the omission of Don Mclean the singer) that you’re in the Don Maclean the TV presenter camp. Reasonable, I suppose.
Then again there’s ‘classical’ musicians. Thomas Tallis, John Dowland. They could still have a hit if we all decided to download Dowland in protest at the closure of Radio 3 or something (I mean, Julian Bream’s classical, innit ?)
Hmm. Somebody should do the same for footy references (there was that long article, but it was by no means exhaustive), and who knows, it might have to be me. I’m leaving literature well alone, though. I’d only show me ignorance.
Apr 9th, 2010
Emerging From Gorse
I knew it was only a matter of time before someone pointed out some glaring omissions, but within about half an hour of posting?!
How did I miss The Doors and Pink Floyd? Not as if the track in question is an oldie or a rarity. Poor show on my part.
Apr 9th, 2010
Peter Gandy
Made a list of footballers, although that by no means meets Exxo’s challenge for ‘footy’ (but not surreal, bizarre, sad git, yes indeedy, completely and utterly,anorak and respect) references. Probably missed a few obvious ones.
Arconada, Luis
Bats, Joel
Bell, Joseph Antoine
Boyce, Ronnie
Charlton, Bobby
Crooks, Garth
Farm, George
Friedel, Brad
Gascoigne, Paul
Grummitt, Peter
Mortenson, Stanley
Pele
Pfaff, Jean Marie
Puskas, Ferenc
Rossi, Paolo
Schmeichel, Peter (spurious but I always picture him when I listen to Letters Sent)
Stiles, Nobby
Svarc, Bobby
Van Hanegem, Wim
Wilson, Bob
Yashin, Lev
Zico
Zoff, Dino
Zola, Gianfranco
Zondervan, Romeo
Zubizaretta, Andoni
Can anyone hear who is being referred to in the conversation at the end of 1966 and all that? – ex POW with a crew cut who lives in St Helens.
The Guardian journalist who wrote the report on the Czech victory in the semis of Euro ’96 suggested, after quoting Architecture and Morality, Ted and Alice, that Nigel write a song about Karol Poborsky. That’s an idea that has passed its time.
Apr 9th, 2010
John Anderson
I’ve sometimes wondered about how many sport or sporting references there are in the songs. Whether I will ever actually sit down and work it out is extremely debatable, but it’s probably the most obvious next list.
Apr 9th, 2010
Charles Exford
Nah if you’re spuriously putting in Schmeichel, I’m not going to tell you that Bert Trautmann’s the name you were looking for.
I also seem to remember that Stanley Matthews is referred to (he’s indisputably the “Tangerine Wizard”, whatever Gez’s notes say). I can’t find “1966 and All That” right now.
Please do put Stanley Matthews in, because then you’ve got two old Tangerine comrades to whom Mrs.Exford owes her very existence. Her mum & dad would never have met if her grandad hadn’t moved to Blackpool in 1967. Grandad Len was working for Stanley Matthews at Port Vale, who then helped Len get a job under Stanley Mortensen at Blackpool, and the rest as they say, is history.
Apr 9th, 2010
Norbert D
“…Karol Poborsky. That’s an idea that has passed its time.”
Nah, I’d say it’s about time right now. Either him or Hakan Mild.
Apr 9th, 2010
TWO FAT FEET
EFG, you could possibly include Sally James, late of The Four Bucketeers?
Apr 9th, 2010
Charles Exford
Do you realise that even if we take out Schmeichel and Farm and put in Matthews and Trautmann, that list is still about 43% goalkeepers ?
Apr 9th, 2010
Peter Gandy
@Charles – couldn’t think of any other POWs but didn’t hear Trautmann’s name.
@Norbert – Hakan Mild would be good. From the Czech 96 team I’d go for Koller. If live intros were included, there’s always Jaap Stam – as in “they call me Jaap Stam, that’s not my name”
Apr 9th, 2010
TWO FAT FEET
Could any of those be (The Reason Why) Paradise Lost?
Which leads me to notice that Barry Venison’s missing from the list.
Apr 9th, 2010
Third Rate Les In His Burberry Fez
I hadn’t been sure quite where to post this! The HMHB Calendar:
Specific dates/events:
1. Hogmanay (drunk on Ferris wheel)
2. Epiphany (January the Sixth)
3. 27th June (Sword dance)
4. A Friday in July (from Epiphany)
5. Fourth of August (had a dream)
6. Early September (week in the lakes)
7. Shite Day (my birthday)
8. October 3rd 1995 (Fisher’s gig)
9. Christmas (busking, “Roll The Square Arthur”, make a noise with your toys, receive whistle and an evening with a supporter’s wife)
10. Boxing Day (inform supporter of aforementioned Christmas present)
11. New Year’s Eve (have a row)
Regular events:
1. Australia Day (every day)
2. Every Saturday (the Chigley Skins)
3. Monday (am: field paths; pm: meet up with CORGI-registered friends; night: archery)
4. Midweek (trapped in porch)
5. Thursday evening (go to quiz night with rubber bands)
6. Friday afternoon (Thelwall)
7. Every 2 weeks (pick up giro)
8. Weekend (vintage car show)
9. June (Coach trip)
10. December (Kitzbuehel)
Movable feasts:
1. Pancake Day
2. Lent (gave up hope)
3. Ash Wednesday (tantric stuff, elbow licking attempt)
4. Good Friday (spoilt by unwanted gifts)
5. Whit Week (malarkey)
Unknown dates:
1. Tuesday (Thursday)
2. Friday (mind went that-away)
3. Sunday (3:50) – warehouse visit & dinner with David Emmanuel
Events:
1. Sports Personality of the Year
2. Ideal Home Show
3. Lord of the Darnce (week after the previous)
4. Paris Fashion Week
5. Wimbledon
6. WOMAD
7. Ryder Cup
8. V
9. The Summer Eights
Apr 9th, 2010
Peter Gandy
Hadn’t worked out the percentage, but I did notice the big goalkeeping representation. No need to take out George Farm. The conversation goes: “What about George Farm?” “Of Blackpool?” “Yeah he was great. The cat.”
Apr 9th, 2010
two FAT FEET
Whither Alan Brazil?
Every little helps.
Apr 9th, 2010
Charles Exford
Of course. If I had a quid for the number of times I’ve acquired and lost Back in the DHSS I’d have enough to pay full price for it for the first time ever.
Apr 9th, 2010
Emerging From Gorse
Super Mario Kempes.
Apr 9th, 2010
Emerging From Gorse
Still fuming at myself for missing Pink Floyd & The Doors, but will take a break from beating myself up just long enough to point out that legendary man-with-a-mullet Barry Venison is missing from the list of footballers.
Apr 9th, 2010
Peter Gandy
Was Julio Iglesias on Real Madrid’s books, and was he a goalkeeper? The Pope at the time of Vatican Broadside certainly was.
Apr 9th, 2010
Jeff Dreadnought
I’d add the legendary McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt of Barnstoneworth United to the list of footballers.
And 22/23 January (anniversary of Battle of Rorke’s Drift) to the calendar.
Apr 9th, 2010
TWO FAT FEET
There are things that lurk in dark corners of my mind that tend to come out when walking the dog, such as how many characters from Blakes 7 get mentioned in HMHB songs, even if only by name and not direct reference? Travis and Avon are obvious, trying to think if there’s a Tarrant or Villa anywhere …
Servalan might be a long shot.
Apr 9th, 2010
Charles Exford
Huge ‘chapeaux’ to Emerging FG & Peter G for their lists, but Les, that is a true “maillon jaune” post !!
May I topically suggest adding “The National” to your annual events list, and arguably “May morning, hanging round the trapdoor”, as that is an annual occurrence for many ? And may I suggest this order, though as you can see I’ve had too much medal-winning claret to be arsed with the cutting & pasting:
10. Sports Personality of the Year (early December)
3. Ideal Home Show (April)
4. Lord of the Darnce (week after the previous)
1. Paris Fashion Week (surely it must refer to the one in early March because of the busy trellising which would be too late in another season ?)
6. Wimbledon (early July)
7. WOMAD (late July)
9. Ryder Cup (September)
8. V (August)
5. The Summer Eights (in May)
4(a) May morning hanging round a trapdoor (if you want to include it).
Apr 9th, 2010
Charles Exford
Errm, and
2. The National
hic
Apr 9th, 2010
Third Rate Les
I actually had May morning in my list – I think my medal-winning Claret claimed that one. Wasn’t sure if it was a May morning, or May Morning (as in choirs singing on Magdalen Bridge kinda thing).
It’s interesting because there are some albums with no mentions at all of dates, while the three most recent ones have dozens of them. Not that I’m trying to make this out as some kind of literary analysis, mind you.
Anyway, this was “Jeff Dreadnought”‘s idea; I just wrote it up. Who the hell does he think he is, I wonder?
Apr 9th, 2010
Jeff Dreadnought
Cheers, Les. Meanwhile, I’ve been wasting my time on my “HMHB product placement” project – a list of brands, products and retail chains featured in HMHB songs:
Ann Summers (exotic sexy lingerie)
Apple iPod (jog-proof MP3 players)
Apple Mac (computers often found in car parks)
Argos (retailer)
Arctic Roll (dessert from Bird’s Eye)
Armani (designer clothing)
B & Q (DIY and home improvement tools and supplies)
Belstaff (motorcycle jackets and stuff)
Berghaus (clothing, footwear and backpacks)
Bonneville (classic motorcycles)
Boots (chemist)
Burberry (apparel, accessories and Fez hats)
C & A (clothing)
Cadbury’s Flake (chocolate bar used to promote oral sex)
Campagnolo (bicycle parts)
Care Bears (set of characters created by American Greetings)
Carphone Warehouse (mobile phone handsets)
Dial-a-Pizza
Doctor Martin’s Boots (as worn by skinny indie kids)
Fiorucci (Italian fashion label)
Fry’s Chocolate Cream
Fry’s Turkish Delight
Garnier (beauty products)
Halex Three-Star table tennis balls
Harry Quinn (bicycles)
Homebase (DIY and home improvement tools and supplies)
Katharine Hamnett (80’s fashion icon)
Ken Hom (wok sets)
Krona (margarine)
King Edward (cigars)
Ladbrokes (bookmakers)
Lenor fabric conditioner
Lowe Alpine (skiing equipment as seen in Kitzbuehel)
Marks and Spencers (la la la Lech Walesas)
Marmite (nutritious savoury spread containing B vitamins)
Matalan (clothing)
More O’Ferrall (billboards)
Morphy Richards toasters (they pop up with the goods)
Nestle’s Kit-Kat
Original Breton Shirts
Plymouth (automobiles)
Poundland (budget retail chain)
Primark (budget clothing store)
Pringles (crisps)
Ray Ban (eyewear)
Scalextric (slot car racing)
Sellotape (leading brand of clear, pressure-sensitive tape)
Stratocaster (“Strat” – electric guitar designed by Leo Fender)
Sturmey-Archey (bicycle parts)
Subbuteo (table football)
Sudafed (decongestants)
Tesco (supermarket with aisles)
Valium (original brand name of diazepam)
Whiskas (cat food)
William Hill’s (bookmakers)
Apr 9th, 2010
s.g.d A Shropshire Lad
Shake n Vac?
Apr 10th, 2010
Charles Exford
Loving your work, JD.
Off the top of me head: Canderel, Stannah, Millets, Chatto & Windus, IBM, Word Perfect Software, (Ford) Transit van, (Tote) Placepot, Sainsbury’s security, NTL,
What about channels ? ITV, IRN … and then of course record labels are brands & there’s loads of them featured… and Buena Vista Social Club is practically a franchise.
And are publications like NME, Horse and Hounds, Erotic Review brands ? No, I suppose that’s another list.
Is Bath Spa water a brand ? Mrs Gibson’s Jam ? Does each list need a sub-section for fictional items, e.g. fictional bands on the bands list, fictional bRands on the bRands list, and fictional bLands on the ‘sporting venues’ list ? Or should each list be a Venn Diagram with a zone of uncertainty between reality, unreality and surreality ?
Apr 10th, 2010
Charles Exford
Talking of JD, it’s time for an Apostro-fest with Jack Daniel’s, Beck’s, Watney’s, Butlin’s and Sky (as in reach for the), as in Friday Night (Les).
Oh and Silverstone, Les. Most often aftrer Wimbledon but before WOMAD.
Apr 10th, 2010
Dave F.
B*gg*r me! You lot are obsessive, & I’d like to shake your hands for it.
Did you lot have your list pre compiled or construct them in a few hours?
Anyway….
Calendar:
Glastonbury (last weekend in June)
Bands:
Allan McGee (he played with Bobby Gillespie)
The Armoury Show (Hair like Brian May) Note to Chris: it’s spelt incorrectly one time in the lyrics
Grant Baynham (in Let’s not)
Liquid Greek (not real)
Benny Goodman
Telly Savalas (had a hit with ‘if’)
Products:
Ambassadors Hotel (is this a chain?)
Becks (in Blood on the Quad)
Frisbee (it’s a trade name owned by Wham-O toys, don’t you know)
Look & Learn (comic/magazine)
Kerrang! (in Christian Rock Concert)
NTL (in Jarg Armani)
Self-righteous (not genuine obviously)
Space hopper
Spandex (in Prag Vec at the Melkweg)
Theremin
CAMRA (not exactly a brand but still product placement)
@Exxo
Publications are definitely brands but no, Bath Spa Water isn’t (It tastes horrible)
Apr 10th, 2010
Emerging From Gorse
Great shout on The Armoury Show. Brickbats for me for for missing old Kojak though. Liquid Greek not considered as purely fictional.
I think you’ll find, however, that Benny Goodman appears on the list under Goodman, Benny.
Apr 10th, 2010
dagenham dave
I did tell myself that I wouldn’t get sucked into this and I’ve resisted thus far…..however…..you could add Ken Livingstone to the musicians list as he did provide vocals to Blur’s ‘Ernold Same’.
Apr 10th, 2010
Peter Gandy
Brands: 4AD (record label)
Footballers (fictitious): Dead Shot Keen
Athletes: Emil Zatopek, Dick Quax, Kip Keino, Alberto Juantorena, Sonia Lannaman, Dwight Stones, Dick Fosbury, Kris Akabusi
Apr 10th, 2010
Dave F.
Some more before I go t’ pub.
Bands:
Tick & Tock supported Gary Numan
Don’t know how tenuous you want to make it but Little & Large used to do ‘comedic’ song skits where Syd had an acoustic guitar that looked far too large for him. Not sure if they ever released anything.
Lionel Blair definitely has.
Products:
Haliborange
Biro
Ski-doo
Watney
London Planetarium
TNT Overnite
(Ford) Anglia
Massey Fergusons
Nestlé Caramacs
CND/WI/RADA (?)
Would you want to include record labels like 4AD, Factory, Fierce Panda etc?
Apr 10th, 2010
Swanaldo
ARC would seem to be missing from the bands, and I’d add ‘Friday Night’ to the dates list. Oh, and NME to the products.
Can someone cleverer than me collate all the above into an easily digestible form please?
Apr 10th, 2010
Peter Gandy
@Swanaldo – Is ARC a band? I’d always thought it referred to the Neil Young album.
Apr 10th, 2010
Swanaldo
That makes more sense, Peter, yes.
Apr 11th, 2010
Jeff Dreadnought
@Peter – well pointed out. Rather than just being a random reference to rhyme with “park”, Arc was a feedback compilation album. Also ties in nicely with the Thurston Moore reference earlier in Look Dad No Tunes as Sonic Youth were supporting Neil Young on the tour the compilation was made from, according to Wikipedia. Another example of how well HMHB lyrics stand up to the intense scrutiny to which we subject them.
Talking of Wikipedia – surely the time is ripe for a Bikipedia project?
Apr 11th, 2010
TWO FAT FEET
Garth Crooks must have been on those Chas & Dave records for Spurs’ cup final appearances in the early 1980s.
Apr 11th, 2010
Charles Exford
The Blackwells
What a fantastic spring weekend. I was out on a beacon yesterday and I started wondering which one the balladeer with the big nose belted out his broadside from. Because we’ll probably never know, I have instead compiled a list of “The Blackwell Hills.” So forget yer Grahams, yer Corbetts, your Nuttalls and yer Munros. I’m off out Blackwell bashing cos I’ve only done about 8 of these so far.
In descending order:
Snowdon (Yr Wyddfa) 1,085 m (3,560 ft)
Glyder Fawr 999 m (3,279ft)
Glyder Fach 990m (3,249 ft)
Scafell Pike 978 m (3,210 ft highest point in England & the Lakes, reasonable rates)
Scafell (separate peak) 964 m (3,164 ft)
Pen-y-ghent – 694m (2,278 ft)
Twmpa (AKA L. Hereford’s Knob) 689m (2,232 ft)
Kinder Scout 636m (2,093 ft)
Clwydian Hills – highest point Moel Famau – 555m (1,818 ft), a peak often visible from the Wirral, when the cloudbase allows
Mam Tor 517 m (1,696 ft)
Quantocks highest point Wills Neck, 384m (1,261 feet).
The Wrekin 407m (1,224 ft)
Bulbarrow Hill 274 m (899 feet)
South Downs – highest is Butser Hill, Hampshire – 270 m (886 ft)
Uffington White Horse, Berkshire Downs (technically in Oxfordshire) 261 m (856 ft)
Great Orme 207m (679 ft)
And just in case any pedant reckons it might be the Little Orme that’s being ascended, well that one’s 141 m (463 ft)
Deepest Pot in the Pennine Ridge – Gaping Ghyll – 80m 263 feet deep
**************************************
I avoided the temptation to include Moel Siabod, despite Nigel’s recent assertion in Cambridge that “Bottleneck at Capel Curig” is about the moment when that mountain first comes into sight.
Apr 11th, 2010
Charles Exford
Not sure why the Wrekin slipped below the Quantocks there. should be around 1,335 ft in fact).
Apr 11th, 2010
s.g.d A Shropshire Lad
There now is a band called Kip Keino(formed after Hedley was written)
Fred Titmus was possibly on Watford’s and Chelsea’s books.
Apr 11th, 2010
Dave F.
The Cotswolds (highest point: Cleeve Hill at 1,083 ft)
is mentioned in Twydale’s Lament.
Tenuous, I know, but the hill that the the grand old Duke of York marched up is the earthworks that Sandal Castlesat on.
The fictitious Brokeback Mountain.
Apr 11th, 2010
Charles Exford
Did you see 86 year-young Bert Trautmann on the highlights of the city match yesterday, at the match to celebrate his 60th anniversary of signing for City from St. Helen’s Town in 1950 ? Looked so good he could have probably played in goal & city would have still won.
Mate of mine went to see Bert at his book launch at Waterstone’s last week, saying “it might be my last chance to meet the great man.” I said “nah, lad, if you give up the ciggies you’ve got a couple more years in you yet,”
Mate’s a Biscuits fan so he kept tight hold of his Chomsky. No Iranian crêpes apparently.
Apr 12th, 2010
nigel (no, not that one)
products & brands….
Meltonian (Whiteness Thy Name Is….)
Apr 12th, 2010
Ricardo
@Charles Exford, and his Apostro-fest. I am sure that, as our own uber-pedant, he will appreciate me pointing out that there is no apostrophe in Butlins. Whether there should be is, of course, another matter.
Apr 12th, 2010
charliew
Products/brands
Dyson (as in grooming agitator)
MFI (+1)
Gauloises (ou est le hubcaps)
Apr 13th, 2010
TWO FAT FEET
And the mislaid Barbour.
Apr 13th, 2010
Rusty Spanner
Products or brands. How about AKA, recording gear? Also bagged 8 of the ‘Blackwells’, superb idea, but I bet he chucks an Everest reference in soon to confound prospective list tickers, think we ‘ve already had a sleevenote reference to Maurice Wilson.
Apr 15th, 2010
John Anderson
Here are some non-football sporting references from which you will, no doubt, spot glaring omissions:
CRICKET
Hedley Verity
Fred Titmus
Wendy Wimbush
Vanburn Holder
Left arm occasionals
Roll the square Arthur
Five Day Tests
ATHLETICS
Kip Keino
Dwight Stones
Sonia Lannaman
Dick Quax
(Dick) Fosbury
(Kriss) Akabusi
(Emile) Zatopek
MOTOR SPORT
Hannu Mikkola
Jacques Lafitte
Ivan Mauger
Junior Kickstart
Silverstone
TENNIS
Vitas Gerulaitis
Virginia Wade
(Martina) Navratilova
Tim (Henman) & Greg (Rusedski)
Centre Court
Wimbedon
GOLF
(Craig) Stadler
Greg (Norman)
The Bear (Jack Nicklaus)
Par 4
WINTER SPORTS
Vreni Schneider
Nordic Skiing
Skidoo
Bobsleigh
Kitzbuhel
WRESTLING
Johnny Kwango
Kendo Nagasaki
Bert Royal
EQUESTRIAN
Alvin Schockemohle
The National
Gymkhana
Uttoxeter
SNOOKER
Len Ganley
The Crucible
BASKETBALL
Meadowlark Lemon
TABLE TENNIS
Chester Barnes
RUGBY UNION
Five Nations
Twickenham
GREYHOUND RACING
Monmore
ROWING
Summer Eights
WEIGHTLIFTING
Precious McKenzie
COMMENTATORS/PRESENTERS
Dickie Davies
Brian Moore
(Tony) Gubba
Bob Wilson
Kenneth Wolstenholme
Jim Rosenthal
David Vine
Elton Welsby
Hamilton Bland
Garth Crooks
Apr 16th, 2010
Charles Exford
Brilliant work, John. How about :
GOLF
Ryder Cup
On the 14th fairway … wave a four-ball through
HORSE RACING
Weigh-in at Newton Abbot
Pulled-up at Bangor-on-Dee
(and some other places are surely mentioned because of the racecourses they are best-known for: “walk round Cartmel” … “near Fakenham” …
CRICKET
barmy army
the umpire bit in “referees alphabet”
CYCLING
(these references are definitely to a sport rather than a means of transport)
Sturmey Archer
Campagnolo
Harry Quinn
WINTER
Luge
TENNIS
Hemnan Hill as well as the Tim (Henman) reference you’ve got
And if snooker’s a sport, as telly would have it, then is DARTS ?
The bull’s a double and an out
SAILING
Sea cadets are sailing
Cowes
SURFING
Wave rage at Fistral beach
Apr 16th, 2010
Charles Exford
Aargh now I can’t get me mind back on “work”:
GOLF
Father, I want to borrow your golf clubs
The yipps
Body was found on the driving range
ATHLETICS
the Cuban’s eight-foot stride
(don’t worry I’m not going to suggest “moshers out jogging”)
Monday night archery ? Crown green bowls as a sport ? It’s in the Olympics. Unlike snooker or deck quoits.
Apr 16th, 2010
Mr Larrington
MOTOR SPORT
Oulton Park
Apr 16th, 2010
Charles Exford
Excellent
Finally a chance in this thread like all the others to say, “that’s not what I hear, and definitely not on the session version, etc, etc.”
Which reminds me to start the service stations list.
Apr 16th, 2010
Peter Gandy
If it isn’t Oulton Park, then Hilton Park is home to Leigh Rugby League as well as a service station.
Apr 16th, 2010
Peter Gandy
One more for the bands: Man (Welsh rockers)
Apr 16th, 2010
Peter Gandy
MOTOR SPORT
Donnington
Apr 16th, 2010
John Anderson
I didn’t include Harry Quinn, Sturmey Archer or Campagnolo as I feel they
are references to kids bikes rather than the sport of cycling.
See also: Sea Cadets,
Apr 16th, 2010
Charles Exford
Sorry I wasn’t having a dig at you in any way John with my dig at snooker being considered a sport so I dunno if I made you a bit prickly there, apologies if so …anyway I didn’t realise we were ruling out kids from sport, but anyway 27 out of 31 Tour de France winners between ’68 and ’98 rode Campagnolo parts (presumably Raleigh Choppers were banned because of the unfair advantage). Harry Quinn build some mythical racing frames for proper grown-ups with tight shorts and their cycling chapeaux on backwards. Sturmey Archer have a great racing history too, and very lovely old posters.
Nigel rides a racing bike. It seems to be up high his top 5 favourite sports to do and to watch, and quite a common topic of banter at recent gigs.
Ten-pin bowling, paintball.
Apr 17th, 2010
Precocious Mckenzie
Competitive hot air balooning…minus the champagne.
Apr 17th, 2010
Mr Galbraith
Just neglected my pitiful competition onions and spent 20 minutes poring over your contributions and depsite all your fine efforts a few omissions sprang to mind. Problem was as soon as I got to this bit I’d forgotten the earlier ones and I keep scrolling back up, so these are in random order:
Cricket: Slower ball… (Ode to Joyce)
The hilarious Malcolm Nash reference at the Cambridge gig. My fellow attendees and I are still cracking each other up at that one. An ephemeral reference i know, but I’m hoping it becomes part of a future song.
Are Facebook and You Tube brand names? I guess they must be.
I’m sure I had more but can’t be arsed scrolling any more. Here’s a list of my own, to my surprise much shorter than when first thought of the subject. Names changed grammatically to mean verbs or other parts of speech, eg:
Stevie Nicks books about kleptomania
Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns
Can you hear Talvin Singh?
I’m feeling cursed and sore like, I’m Thurston Moore like.
And I can’t think of any more. Not even convinced the last one counts!
I’d be grateful for any more…
Mr G
Apr 17th, 2010
John Anderson
Exxo, no apologies needed No offence taken at all, sorry if I seemed prickly. Fair enough about the bikes.
Apr 17th, 2010
Jan
Tennis, I feel the obvious (perhaps too obvious) one is “I can put a tennis racket up against my face”
And then of course the rest of the line attributable to whatever type of wrestling it was “…and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki”. Ah…I see that the wrestling was mostly in American leagues — does that not count, then? Say it ain’t so, Chris.
Apr 18th, 2010
Chris The Siteowner
Well, obviously anything in America doesn’t count because, as any fule kno, they have no sport in America. But nothing could count more in terms of sporting relevancy than regular appearances on World of Sport, in my eyes, as well as Dickie Davies’.
If this commentary doesn’t bring back memories, you’re too young.
Apr 18th, 2010
Jan
“Stevie Nicks books about kleptomania”
(Speaks in hollow, muffled tones from behind ) Oh, God. Missed that one….until now….
Apr 18th, 2010
Dave (or I could be Mike)
More crap British athletes of yore:
Evan Dando’s ‘sister’ Suzanne, the 80s version of Beth Tweddle (without the medals)
and I’m sure my work-addled brain recalls Desmond Douglas somewhere…
Apr 19th, 2010
S.G.D.A SHROPSHIRE LAD
Douglas was a table tennis player.
Apr 19th, 2010
waldron76
I find myself a relative HMHB novice here, so have had to strive to find any omissions:
Musicians:
Michael Moorcock was in a band called Michael Moorcock and the Deep fix in the mid 70s
Bette Midler, of course
George Michael
Commodores
Bjork
Dani Behr (briefly)
Charles Manson, before all the murdering.
Products:
Does Twister count?
The Aga cooker
Biro
Events:
The Proms
Cricket:
David Wainwright
Apr 20th, 2010
John Anderson
Music Venues/Festivals
Rock City
The Falcon
The Borderline
The Marquee
Warwick Arts Centre
Donnington
Monsters Of Rock
Melkweg
V
Glastonbury (twice)
Battle Of The Bands
Albert Hall
Barbican
WOMAD
Apr 20th, 2010
Charles Exford
Great work as ever, John.
Perhaps this is where we need that one of those Venn diagrams I mentioned, or at least an appendix, for fictional venues. Because if the roof of the Barbican is a venue then why not:
Deptford Abyss ?
The Duke of Marlborough Pub in Amesbury ?
The local Polytechnic ?
But Butlins and Buddakan are definite additions. And for purely sentimental reasons I’d venture the addition of Cammell Laird Social Club itself.
Apr 20th, 2010
John Anderson
Thought hard about Deptford Abyss/Duke of Marlborough (and also Christian Rock Concert) but decided to only include real places. The Barbican is an actual venue but I’m not sure whether anyone’s actually played on the roof. Should have got Budokan though.
My musings were inspired by a thread on the Fall Online Forum about venues mentioned in songs. HMHB, of course,came out on top, but the Television Personalities weren’t far behind.
Apr 20th, 2010
@steve_nicholls
more CRICKET:
“I keep wicket for the Quakers”
Apr 20th, 2010
Dave (or I could be Mike)
another (possible) footie reference:
Woodchurch Lane is directly opposite Prenton Park, home of Tranmere Rovers. Not sure if you can turn down it though.
‘Luton Town / Millwall 1985′ belongs somewhere as well – dates (13th March) perhaps?
Apr 21st, 2010
@steve_nicholls
Should there be a place for spring, summer, autumn and winter on the Calendar?
(btw, as part of my Pedant Proficiency Badge coursework, I would like to point out that it’s Donington, not Donnington….)
Apr 21st, 2010
John Anderson
I wasn’t sure so I googled Donnington and it came up with loads of responses so I assumed that it was correct.
Assumption, of course, is the mother of all fuck-ups.
Apr 21st, 2010
Andie
One more for the calendar:
(meeting a girl on) Halloween
Apr 23rd, 2010
Charlie Davidson
I can’t believe no-one’s mentioned Krautrock production legend and Dieter Moebius collaborator Conny Plank. (The “Rastakrautpasta” LP is great.)
Apr 25th, 2010
hooHar
See also Mary Peter (she must despair).
May 2nd, 2010
MISTER TUBBS
re the Blackwells, there is a Benny Hill (241m), just south of Littleborough, and is probably visible from the M62, less than a mile away. Not sure if High Street (828m) as in “Let’s Pedestrianise the…” counts. I also wonder if Fan y Big (719m) in the Brecon Beacons will make it into a future song?
May 3rd, 2010
Toerag
Folk family band the Coppers as in “the best of”?
May 25th, 2010
argieuk
A sad late addition to the singer/band section- Nick ‘fucking’ Knowles has a downloadable track- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goZqBaXepU4. You do not want to hear this.
May 25th, 2010
Mr Larrington
@Third Rate Les:
To your list of Regular Events you might consider “twixt twelve and two” – prsumably daily, when water board men in water board vans use up their hour in lieu.
May 26th, 2010
Ben
@ Toerag, how about this lot to support them, dunno the genre
http://www.themummers.co.uk/
Anyone can join in though.
May 27th, 2010
RobJ
Stretching it a bit (ok, a lot), but to add to the Horse Racing list, Nigel pointed into the crowd at a gig a few years ago, and queried ‘Cornelius Lysaght?” (Radio 5 nags man)
Actually, to add to the golf list, I think he later did the same thing and queried “Domingo Hospital?” (Spanish golfer of yore, I think)
May 28th, 2010
rob
TV shows:
On The Buses
Neighbours
Home And Away
Red Dwarf
Junior Kickstart
Loads more to get surely.
Can I add iPod and Oxfam to the list of brands?
Jun 13th, 2010
Ben
@RobJ
that could almost be a separate list, he did it for a few gigs running “The Princess Royal Ladies and Gents!”
Cornelius Lysaght was at a Shepherds Bush gig I remember, think Princess Anne quip was at Manchester, and there were a few others.
Jun 13th, 2010
s.g.d A Shropshire Lad
Pointed into the crowd and said “Alf Wood” at the Shrewsbury gig.
Wood was voted second in a poll to find the favourite Shrewsbury Town player of all time.
We might see him drop to third if Joe Hart helps us win the World Cup.(well, I can dream)
Jun 13th, 2010
s.g.d A Shropshire Lad
Having just listened to tonight’s Marc Riley session on i-player –
Black Sabbath get a mention in Left Lyrics in the Practice Room.
Aug 12th, 2010
Peter Gandy
Also Mart Poom in the same song – though wrongly called Martin. Another one for the HMHB goalkeepers’ union.
Aug 12th, 2010
Ricardo
New addition from the songs aired on 6music last night, as well as those already mentioned above.
Music acts – Kathleen Ferrier
Footballers – John Byrne. (Although I’m sure Nigel is singing ‘John Byrne’, whether it is the former Ireland international striker turned chiropodist, no idea. If so it means, remarkably, that two former Sunderland players (Mart Poom being the other) are name checked in this session. John Byrne’s most notable contribution was scoring in every round bar the final during our magnificent FA Cup run of 1992.)
Products etc – Pashley (bicycles)
TGV (railways)
Dignitas (assisted suicide)
Oranjeboom (lager)
Venues – Lesser Free Trade Hall
Aug 12th, 2010
Dave F.
Wendy Richard, who substituted for Mary Hopkin in a live version of SA,BT from the London Forum.
She had a number one with Come outside
Aug 13th, 2010
Poolio
FOOTBALL:
Lest we forget that..
Song by Black Foot Sue “I’m standing in the Road”, was penned by “The Burly physio of non-league Farnborough Town”
Apparently…
Sep 6th, 2010
Charles Exford
Hey Chris, I understand your gloom – because we may soon run out of lyrics to quibble over. So because I reckon this will be the 3,000th comment on here and because the the end is nigh (not of the Lyrics Project, of course, what would we do without it? …but there’ll soon be an end to the supply of Biscuits songs we’ve not yet picked over), I thought I’d compile the first list we’ve had on here for a while.
As a cheerful reposte to anyone who’s ever said to any of us “oh yeah, Half Man Half Biscuit, I remember them – such a funny band, especially the song titles, hur hur hur….” here’s the start of a list of quotes entitled “The Gospel According to Nigel: the Eschatology of HMHB”, which loosely covers NB57′s references to The Last Judgement and the End of the World, as well as to his own prospects at heaven’s gate of course …I’ve only been through about half the songs so far, so your help would be cheerfully welcomed.
Are we living in the last days?
(Tommy Walsh’s Eco House, forthcoming album, 2010)
Came the behemoth … enter then a real ratpack … Ezekiel, etc
(Evening of Swing, 2008)
Heaven, yes, distant now … after this lot
(Problem Chimp, 2008)
The Book of Revelation, as revealed to St. John the Divine
(Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo, 2005)
If I get to heaven’s gate, I’ll doubtless have to wait, while St Peter investigates the inevitable asterisk
(Surging Out of Convalescence, 2005)
The Universe is ruled by chance and indifference …. to infernal regions I’ve been sent….
(Depressed beyond Tablets, 2005)
If Jesus Came to earth today, they’d crucify him right away
(Upon Westminster Bridge 2005)
When archangels interfere
These things he’d hitherto held dear
Shall be rendered obsolete
(Jarg Armani, 2003)
The title of Thy Damnation Slumbereth Not (2002)
The title and lyrics of Paradise Lost (2002)
And now my hours of happiness
Are darkened by the thought they are passing towards nothing
(Lark Descending, 2001)
Your Am-Dram class has been postponed indefinitely
Because the root of Jesse’s just turned up in glorious majesty
(Uffington Wassail, 2000)
It’s hovering over a world that’s gone wrong …And we’ll all die together… (With Goth on Our Side, 2000)
They want to wash away my sin
So I’m not forever in a Bottleneck at Capel Curig
(Bottleneck at Capel Curig, 2000)
Don’t let my funeral be morose in any way … oh rock of ages cleft for me (and other references, Children of Apocalyptic Techstep, 1998)
When I wade across the Jordan I’ll be Shining
(and the entire lyrics of Multitude, 1998)
Sep 8th, 2010
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
I’ve long since felt that NB57 reaches into the bag of religious (mainly Christian) imagery on a regular basis – often but not exclusively to create a negative or critical view. Charles has listed several of my favourite HMHB lines to start us off, so I’ll add some using Ninian Smart’s Dimensions of Religion;
The Doctrinal
What did God give us, Neil?
God gave us life, Nigel
Sure did.
A one two three four
John the Baptist knows the score
(God Gave Us Life)
The Experiential
January the sixth. Epiphany.
(Epiphany)
The Ritual
Would the congregation like to rise and sing
Hymn number 252?
(Petty Sessions)
The Mythological
By any chance?
Do you think I once saw heaven?
(Monmore Hare’s Running)
The Ethical
For “Horse Manure 200 Yards”
Read bottomless perdition
(Asparagus Next Left)
I knew that Theology degree would come in useful one day.
Sep 8th, 2010
Charles Exford
Quality commentary Dr. Vendor, a top class list that we can add to about various more general aspects of religion, and from your list I’d like to add to mine the “bottomless perdition” and the “Do you think I once saw heaven/During critical surgery/When I walked towards a bright light?”
I guess there could be plenty of material for yours in parodies like “Footprints” and pisstakes like “Faithlift” or “Christian Rock Concert”. But surprisingly those sort of songs don’t provide anything for mine, which is purely confined to Eschatology (“the four final things”: death, judgement, how and why and whether one goes whither). So onwards and upwards, continuing mine:
For sure, like I say
At the end of the day
We’ll take each Armageddon as it comes
(Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be with Jesus, 1997)
I’m not in the least afraid
For soon I shall fly to the sweet by and by
Away from a world without shade
(He Who Would Valium Take, 1997)
…but then I guess you wouldn’t let me into heaven..
Or maybe you would cos…
(Dickie Davies Eyes, 1986)
Not sure if this next one fits my list at all really, ‘cos listing all the suicide references will provide endless hours of fun for another day I guess, but anyway it’s a favourite of mine:
I take my rope down to the crossroads to bring my poor heart ease
I hang my rope down at the crossroads to bring my poor heart ease
Oh but the devil’s built a bypass ’n’ chopped down all of the trees
(Hair Like Brian May Blues, 1996)
Yeah. Suicide, murder and general violent vengeful mayhem are definitely on the list of lists-to-come.
Sep 8th, 2010
Chris The Siteowner
Stuart Vallantine, ofHalf Map Half Biscuit fame, has now come up with 50% Man 0.5 Biscuit: Numerical References in HMHB Songs which fits rather nicely here.
Sep 19th, 2010
Third Rate Les
Crikey – an eschatology list. Good work Charles and the Vendor.
Not often you get to use the word “eschatology”; I had to look it up when I read it in a book fairly recently, I have to admit.
I guess you could add
“Come the day when I don’t exist
And worms are flying through the graveyard mist
Don’t go bothering the exorcist”
and maybe the sentiment behind
“I’ve been sharing my innermost thoughts with an Edward McGray”.
although I suppose if we bring communing with spirits into it we’d also have Helen’s satin black tour jacket, Stringy Bob and maybe even the Welsh Imps.
That’s a cracking effort from Mr Vallantine there too.
Sep 20th, 2010
Jeff Dreadnought
“She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused
With not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used
On the end of the century party preparations
And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was
Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican
Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican” (A Country Practice, 1998)
would seem to tick most of the eschatology boxes (death, judgement, heaven and hell).
Sep 20th, 2010
Jeff Dreadnought
And the title of “L’enfer, c’est les autres”, of course.
Sep 20th, 2010
Jeff Dreadnought
And the title and lyrics of See That My Bike’s Kept Clean (1997)
Sep 20th, 2010
Chris The Siteowner
With All These Things…
(lines starting with, er, “with”)
…with a girl from Machynlleth
…with a nod of the head
…with a note inside which read: “Is this your Sanderling?”
…with a smile saying, “Look, I know it’s under the mat”
…with a sub-machine-gun
…with an extra restless leg
…with an IRN DJ, at an A&R showcase
…with bells round her neck
…with boots on
…with detachable sleeves
…with Elgin, Nairn or Brora anymore
…with featureless TV producer Steve
…with little in the way of sunshine
…with more substance than you
…with my little stick of Ayers Rock
…with no alarm bell, we’re mathematically safe
…with not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used
…with our mates in the street
…with Peter Grummitt as an acid casualty
…with Sade and Whitney
…with talk of jam and crusty cobs
…with Talk Radio on
…with that look in his eye
…with the ball that we bought from the shop just last week
…with the bright fairy lights
…with the Gypsies down the road
…with the possible exception of being Garth Crooks
…with the storming of a brothel in Palermo
…with their strategies and logistics
…with this in mind, we thought it wise
…with two pacy numbers we’ll open the show
…with wattle and daub ‘neath a silvry moon
…with windmill sails, and bombs with nails
…with your clinching Hudson Ford discography
…with your Nxe3
and…
With Goth On Our Side
Sep 20th, 2010
chedgzoy
And here’s confirmation that Neil Morrissey is, indeed, a nobhead
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZq8A59NH1U
Sep 21st, 2010
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Chedgzoy
Be afraid, be very afraid…………..
Regardless of recent anti Chinese jibes by the ex Smiths front man that video now puts me firmly in the;
‘Neil Morrissey’s a knobhead’ camp,
rather than the;
‘Neil, Morrissey’s a knobhead’ camp.
Sep 21st, 2010
Charles Exford
The Curse of HMHB
[note from Chris The Siteowner: this list, and Charles' introduction to it, has now been moved to its own page (because it's worth it), so feel free to update and comment there]
Bongo, Ali first mentioned 1985 – died 08/03/2009 …outliving the curse by 24 years
Kitt, Eartha 01/12/1985 – 25/12/2008 …23 years
Bastable, Tony 1985 – 25/05/2007 …22 years
Puskas, Ferenc 1985 – 17/11/2006 …21 years
Farm, George 1985 – 18/07/2004 …19 years
Quinn, Harry 1991 – 1/10/2009 …18 years
Hird, Thora 01/12/1985 – 15/03/2003 …17 years 3 months
Mount, Peggy 1985 – 13/11/2001 …16 years
Wolstenholme, Kenneth 1987 – 25/03/2002 …15 years
Vandross, Luther 1991 – 01/07/2005 …14 years
Roddick, Anita 25/10/1993 – 10/09/2007 …13 years 11 months
Hull, Rod 08/09/1986 – 17/03/1999 …12 years 6 months
Spencer, Di 1985 – 31/08/1997 …12 years
Moore, Brian 08/09/1986 – 01/09/2001 …11 years 11 months
Vine, David 02/02/1997 – 11/01/2009 …11 years 11 months
Ball, Ernie 1995 – 09/09/2004 …9 years
Most, Mickey 25/10/1993 – 30/05/2003 …8 years 10 months
Todd, Bob 1985 – 21/10/1992 …7 years
Mortensen, Stanley 1985 – 22/05/1991 …6 years
Yashin, Lev 1985 – 20/03/1990 …5 years
Jackson, Gordon 01/12/1985 – 15/01/1990 …4 years 11 months
Monopoly, Tony 1991 – 21/03/1995 …4 years
Pope JP2 25/06/2001 – 02/04/2005 …3 years 10 months
Queen Mother, The 29/06/1998 – 30/03/2002 …3 years 3 months
Savalas, Telly 1991 – 22/01/1994 …3 years
Gerulaitis, Vitas 1991 – 17/09/1994 …3 years
Warhol, Andy 1985 – 22/02/1987 …2 years
Dali, Salvador 1987 – 23/01/1989 …2 years
Lee, Arthur 26/09/2004 – 03/08/2006 …1 year 1 month
Rous, Stanley 1985 – 18/07/1986 …1 year
Moult, Ted 20/11/1985 – 03/09/1986 …10 months
Rushton, Willie 1996 – 18/08/1996 …c.4 months (died between the EP release and the album)
Sep 22nd, 2010
Paul F
Surely there’s a blanket exemption for Thatcher?
Sep 22nd, 2010
a_p
Thanks — particularly like the countdown approach. Though why Mickey[sic] Most warrants two entries I’m not sure…the Simon C. of his day.
I am familiar with every name on the list except for George Farm, who I understand was a Scottish footballer (I’m more of an Alfie Conn fellow).
Sep 23rd, 2010
BrumBiscuit
Now, I could’ve sworn that (Rob) Fisher’s death was post-Trouble over Bridgwater, but disappointingly he shuffled off this mortal coil exactly eight months prior to that – 25/8/1999 and 25/4/2000 respectively.
I notice that Noel Edmonds gets a (brief) track on the same album, but I note the advisory in Charles Exford’s message about wishing people dead…
On a more positive note, Tony Gubba seems to be going strong, though I doubt even he would have foreseen being the commentator on Dancing on Ice.
Sep 25th, 2010
Germ
Wasn’t aware that Ali Bongo was dead…this IS the Ali Bongo comedian/magician husband of Victoria Wood isn’t it?
Sep 26th, 2010
Third Rate Les
He died quite recently. Viz had a whole article on the phenomenon of how we all, no matter how young or old, remember exactly what we were doing when we heard the tragic news. I guess you must have been out of the country.
Interesting to see that the recently deceased Omar Bongo, former president of Gabon, has a son called, would you believe, Ali, who is now President. I wonder what his over-stretching skills are like?
Sep 26th, 2010
Ricardo
@Germ – Ali Bongo wasn’t married to Victoria Wood, that was The Great Soprendo, aka Geoffrey Durham. You’re mixing up your ‘Piff Paff Poof!’ with your ‘Hocus Pocus Fishbones Chokus’ there, which is an easy mistake to make.
Sep 26th, 2010
Charles Exford
Of course now that we know the exact date of release (all the 1985 tracks were 7/10/85) I’ll need to make a number of changes to Tony’s arithmetic.
Most significantly, Ted Moult, surging out of putrescence, leap-frogs Stanley Rous, and it can’t be too long surely before Ted is out of the relegation zone entirely, but Andy Warhol drops a place (he should only ever have been one year and a few months anyway).
In due course I’ll cross-check with all other relevant release dates.
Oct 7th, 2010
Charles Exford
Silly me. While the changes to the list I mentioned are still needed, Mrs. Exford points out that 2 tracks aired in the first Peel session, 20/11/85, were not on “Back in the DHSS”, so that particular date should remain on the list for Ted Moult only. All other 1985 tracks are 7/10/10.
The Trumpton Riots EP was released 01/01/86.
Oct 7th, 2010
Third Rate Les
Almost inevitably (well, there’s no “almost” about it), Claire Rayner appears on the list.
Oct 12th, 2010
Chris The Siteowner
The Top 20 Things NB57 wants…
Obviously, a Dukla Prague away kit for Christmas. But also:
…a sun tan, not Vashti Bunyan
…Dave and Barbara to refer me to the blackboard
…karma like Mr. Lama
…my hand held pumps
…the sci-fi meet
…the whole world to know
…to fly my biplane low over Swaffham
…to get in amongst the baying hordes of resting actors
…to go out and commit mass murder
…to live ’til I die
…to make her mathematically safe
…to meet Howard Marks if I can but they say that I can’t
…to meet yer
…to perch myself halfway up a metal staircase with the Polydor girls
…to set fire to commemorative tea towels
…to shake hands with the whole of Finland
…to borrow your golf clubs
…to wave at astonished rustics
…you at the end of my itinerary
Oct 16th, 2010
Neil G
Here’s my list of what I want for Christmas:
1 A new album from Half Man Half Biscuit.
2 er…
Oct 17th, 2010
Bobby String
@ Emerging From Gorse
Excellent list of artists, must have taken some time. Just wondered if you’d consider adding Will Oldham because he is both Bonny Prince Billy and The Palace Brothers, or would that be stretching it a bit since you already mentioned him as the latter two?
Sadly, I don’t have all HMHB’s albums so I’m looking for volunteers to make a list for me of all the songs in which Nigel namechecks Neil. I’ll start you off with the three that I know of:
“I don’t care and nor does Neil” – Irk The Purists
“(ta Neil)” – Reasons To Be Miserable
“What did God give us Neil?” – God Gave Us Life
Over to you, list-makers!
Ô¿Ô
Oct 22nd, 2010
Chris The Siteowner
@Bobby String: couldn’t find any more except for “Neil Morrissey’s a knobhead” and “Well it’s alright for Nicholas and for Neil”, which probably don’t count.
Right, here’s a new list. All the words of more than 12 letters used in an HMHB song (hyphenated words excepted). Not that interesting to read, but it did make me wonder if there’s ever been another songwriter who could boast such a long list?
Acknowledgement
Autobiography
Claustrophobia
Collaboration
Commemorative
Communication
Congratulations
Contortionism
Convalescence
Demonstrators
Dentressangle
Disappointing
Disappointment
Distinguished
Documentaries
Ecclesiastical
Encouragement
Entertainment
Extraordinary
Granddaughter
Gynaecologists
Hallucinations
Horticultural
Indispensable
Inhospitality
Interpersonal
Lacksadaisical
Lexicographers
Mathematically
Megalomaniacal
Misconceptions
Misunderstood
Multifunctional
Necrophiliacs
Pedestrianise
Preservatives
Psychological
Reflexologist
Reflexologists
Relationships
Revolutionary
Rothersthorpe
Self-Righteous
Sophisticated
Supercalifragilisticborussiamoenchengladbach
Supplementary
Synchronisation
Unconsciousness
Uncontrollable
Unemployments
Unnecessarily
Oct 22nd, 2010
chedgzoy
Acknowledged
Quintessence
Both from the same song
Oct 22nd, 2010
Bobby String
Wow, I just made my first HMHB list from my meagre collection! Cheers Chris!
Ô¿Ô
Oct 22nd, 2010
Neil G
Here you are, Bobby. It Makes The Room Look Bigger.
I’m drawn towards the souvenir stores
I twirl around the key fob rack
Well it’s alright for Nicholas and for Neil
Yeah well how do you think that makes me feel?
Oct 22nd, 2010
Bobby String
@ Neil G
Cool, that one’s lacking from my meagre HMHB collection. I know how Nigel feels – my real name’s Graeme, how many keyfobs have you ever seen with that spelling?
Ô¿Ô
Oct 23rd, 2010
Charles Exford
Graeme – not sure if you’ve read the reviews of the last gig, in Bilston, but yours was the spelling of the 24-hour Garage chief’s name badge. Key fob it ain’t but it’s something at least.
Anyway here’s an equally inconsequential list for an inconsequential Tuesday lunchtime, encompassing all the references I can think of by NB57 to JL2=, PM2=, GH14, RS22, their life and works.
Obviously some of the most memorable references are the album titles
“Back in the DHSS” (parody of song title “Back in the USSR”) and “Four Lads who Shook the Wirral” (parody of name of Beatles sculpture in Matthew Street, Liverpool).
The only other song titles cited are in Ready Steady Goa:
“Dear Prudence… Helter Skelter ….”
The same song contains two Beatles biographical references: “Maharishi…. Ravi Shankar”
More biographical references: “I’m off to see the Bootleg Beatles as the Bootleg Mark Chapman” (Evening Sun); “He knows Ono” (Eno collaboration).
Only one set of Beatles lyrics are parodied at any length:
“In the town where I was born lived a man who went to work, and he told us of his life ….and then the band began to play.” (Prag Vec)
Only one Beatle is actually named: “Drunk on Ferris Wheel McCartney Hogmanay” (ITMA)
And, errm, that’s about it really, at the end of that round NB57 you have scored 11 points, unless we speculate that (I’ve started so I’ll finish) “Hey Joyce” is somehow a reference to “Hey Jude”, or that “Twmpa, Twmpa, you’re gonna need a jumper” is a reference to “I am the Walrus”, rather than just a citation of Jimmy Edwards’ catchphrase which the outro of Lord Hereford’s Knob shares with Lennon’s song, in which “Oompa, oompa, stick it up your jumper” is sung by a children’s choir as part of the outro.
Nov 2nd, 2010
Charles Exford
Another short list which needs no introduction, because it’s a list of brilliant piss-take ways of introducing the instrumental break, and therefore of some of the best lines in the whole canon:
Let it happen, bass player ! (Time Flies by)
Ah regain it for me Rodney ! (Paradise Lost)
OK, let’s pedestrianise the High Street ! (You’re Hard)
Let’s go to chapel ! (Bad Review)
…and of course my favourite:
Alright boys, fill the skip ! (Moody Chops)
We could also arguably include two more:
Let’s hear it for the brake man, without him, I’d have to find more words ! Yodelayee…. (Tyrolean knockabout)
and
So throw it out of court (Mate of the Bloke)
***********************************************************
Or those last two could be included in a short list of self-conscious commentaries on what’s happening musically behind the lyrics at the time, e.g. :
Is this the bit where we’re supposed to make guitars collide ?
And is this the bit where we release all that raw energy ?
And is this the bit where we go crashing through those barriers,
Like what they do in music mags? (Teenage Armchair Honved Fan)
Four more without the numerous frills (Depressed Beyond Tablets)
Pots and pans ! (Third Track, Main Camera)
Nov 2nd, 2010
Neil G
Charles,
Are you talking about Beatles songs only or do post-Beatles songs by ex-members count? If so Temporary Secretary, by Paul McCartney should be in there. ITMA. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdTs-iLBKME
Nov 2nd, 2010
Bobby String
Thanks Charles, at least I get a mention somewhere by HMHB, better than dying and having that Blackwell chap scam my widow out of my season ticket (I like to think that one is spelled ‘Graham’)!
Incidentally, both my ex-wife and her son worked in a 24 hour garage and both did night shift listening to Talk Radio. The boss’s name was Mike though, not Graeme.
Ô¿Ô
Nov 2nd, 2010
Bobby String
I’ve put together my own list of all the HMHB songs that are crap. Here it is:
Nov 2nd, 2010
Charles Exford
Well Bobby/Graeme (!!) I think we can safely say that’s the only indisputably 100% complete list yet published in this thread.
As Neil shows with an excellent addition to mine.
Nov 2nd, 2010
Chris The Siteowner
Ooh, if we’re having post-split material, we mustn’t forget RS22′s poptastic “You’re Sixteen”, referenced in Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be with Jesus: You come on like a dream, Julian Bream, Lips like David Vine…
Nov 2nd, 2010
Bobby String
The problem with my list is that Nigel can now never write a song called NOV 2ND, 2010 because it would have to be crap. I’ll get me coat…
Ô¿Ô
Nov 2nd, 2010
Third Rate Les
I thought I should collate all the kind additions to the calendar, so here it is:
Specific dates/events:
1. Hogmanay (drunk on Ferris wheel)
2. Epiphany (January the Sixth)
3. 23rd Jan 1879 (when Cetshwayo got neither stroppy nor miffed)
3. 27th June (Sword dance)
4. A Friday in July (from Epiphany)
5. Fourth of August (had a dream)
6. Early September (week in the lakes)
7. Shite Day (my birthday)
8. October 3rd 1995 (Fisher’s gig)
9. Christmas (busking, “Roll The Square Arthur”, make a noise with your toys, receive whistle and an evening with a supporter’s wife)
10. Boxing Day (inform supporter of aforementioned Christmas present)
11. New Year’s Eve (have a row)
Regular events:
1. Australia Day (every day)
2. Twixt twelve and two (waterboard man in waterboard van)
3. Every Saturday (the Chigley Skins)
4. Monday (am: field paths; pm: meet up with CORGI-registered friends; night: archery)
5. Midweek (trapped in porch)
6. Thursday evening (go to quiz night with rubber bands)
7. Friday afternoon (Thelwall)
8. Every 2 weeks (pick up giro)
9. Weekend (vintage car show)
10. June (Coach trip)
11. Halloween (met a girl)
12. December (Kitzbuehel)
13. Spring (ran up)
14. Summer (didn’t see the sun)
15. Autumn (walked up)
16. Winter (felt secure on the roads)
Movable feasts:
1. Pancake Day
2. Lent (gave up hope)
3. Ash Wednesday (tantric stuff, elbow licking attempt)
4. Good Friday (spoilt by unwanted gifts)
5. Whit Week (malarkey)
Unknown dates:
1. Tuesday (Thursday)
2. Friday (mind went that-away)
3. Sunday (3:50) – warehouse visit & dinner with David Emmanuel
Events (now roughly in chronological order, assuming Ryder Cup won’t be in October again):
1. Paris Fashion Week
2. The National
3. Ideal Home Show
4. Lord of the Darnce (week after the previous)
5. The Summer Eights
6. Glasto (nbury)
7. Wimbledon
8. Silverstone
9. WOMAD
10. The Proms
11. Ryder Cup
12. V
13. Sports Personality of the Year
Nov 3rd, 2010
Third Rate Les
(although it’s afternoon with supporter’s wife, and the Halloween one is perhaps a one-off, not regular event – ah well, maybe time to let it lie)
Nov 3rd, 2010
Jan
Under unknown dates: ‘Thelwall Friday afternoon’? Just saying, like.
Nov 10th, 2010
Charles Exford
Extraordinary Fires
Chopping some extraordinary firewood just now, it occurred to me that I should perhaps complement the “Last Judgement” and “Death & Destruction” lists with a list on FIRE.
My select XV of biscuity conflagrations is as follows:
1. There’s trouble at the fire station, someone’s had the sack (Trumpton)
2. Going crazy at the fire door (Nerys)
3. It usually takes for ever trying to burn the grossly oversized (Cremating)
4. Makes me want to set fire to commemorative tea-towels (Architecture)
5. Oh say I’m not the only one to fill with trepidation
Walking across the forecourt of the fire station (Uffington)
6. A world in which Grant Baynham
Burns in front of his children (Let’s Not)
7. A spate of pan fires (WBTV)
8. I came and set fire to your shed (24HGP)
9. If it’s her desire I’ll put my fingers in the fire …. Nero fiddles while Gordon burns (JDOG)
10. In the fiery pit there are eternal sleeping policemen (Twydale)
11. My happy-go-lucky affectation conceals extraordinary fires (Sunshine)
12. The fire that burned inside of me (Lark Descending)
13. After The Fire were a mess on the floor (Christian Rock Concert)
14. Nurse just throw another log upon the fire (Bubblewrap)
15. They came for the fire-eaters (Blind Eye)
Nov 22nd, 2010
Charles Exford
Not sure how “I read the news today oh boy” (Fear my Wraith) got missed off my Beatles references list. I think it was that one which got me started on that particular list in the first place.
Dec 1st, 2010
Charles Exford
Forget your lists of musicians, your products, forget your footy and your sport references. Forget dates, biblical judgements, murders, suicides, slaughters, fires, dates and deaths, because it struck me last night (looking out over a snowy platform where we’d been stuck an hour while a junior employee tried to free all the iced up train doors with a hammer and chisel), that if the collected works of HMHB have any over-arching theme it is not a condemnation of the stupidities of modern life and the revenges that Blackwell would like to heap upon the minions of Baal, oh no.
It’s The UK Transport System in all its glory.
And although this epiphany came to me on a train (just after various announcement by the guard which actually contained apologies for 8 separate things, thus delaying the train by an extra 5 minutes), it’s on the roadways that we must first of all concentrate, for the roads are the ultimate bringer of all frustrations.
ROADS
…down at the crossroads …but the devil’s built a bypass, n’chopped down all of the trees,
and hey I need a bypass about as much as I need (Hair Like Brian May)
…in the side streets (Multitude)
Country lanes, dirt tracks, minor roads (Asparagus)
In Bucks lay-by (Styx gig)
Moonless byway (A Country Practice)
It’s a long old lane and it got no end
It’s a green light now but it’s gonna change (See that my Bike’s Kept Clean)
Bridleway …Not enough cycle paths (Children of Apocalyptic)
The forty-third brown sign today (Children)
The most dangerous junction in Christendom (WBTV)
Eternal Sleeping Policemen (Twydale)
She’s keeping 2 chevrons apart
…how do the road-gritters get to work? (Evening Sun)
…tied a bunch of flowers around the speed limit sign (Evening of Swing)
Don’t know much about the Highway Code and I’ve never read On The Road (Let’s Not)
Bottleneck at Capel Curig
Thelwall Friday afternoon (Bubblewrap) (note: Thelwall Viaduct, on the M6, famous for delays)
Long-term roadworks (Upon Westminster)
Born on a central reservation (M6-ster)
Is it you that’s to stone for the motorway cone…? (Paradise Lost)
A47
A552
M6
Service stations: Tebay, Knutsford, Hilton Park, Rothersthorpe North & Rothersthorpe South (now renamed as Northampton N. and S., I believe)
All-Night Garage
Motoring atlas
CARS
(perhaps interesting how few of these are mentioned? Though I’m sure I’ve forgotten one or two)
Volvo glove compartment (CORGI Registered Friends)
Plymouth (27 yards)
Cadillac (Skiffle)
Surprised, like the front of an Anglia (Doreen)
LORRIES, VANS … & CARAVANS
Christian Salvesen, Ryder
Curries of Dumfries
Norbert Dentressangle
TNT Overnight (M6-ster)
Plumber’s van, transit van (a.n.l.)
The Transit full of Keith (Multitude)
It’s a long old truck that runs you down (See That My Bike’s Kept Clean)
Water board van (Lilac urine)
You get back in to the Wim van Hanegem (Girlfriend’s finished)
Keep your arms as rigid as a juggernaut (Len G)
All the cars and the lorries and the buses and vans (P.R.S.)
Where be my camper van? (Bob Wilson)
Caravan holiday (Let’s Not)
Caravan … static, naturally (Referee’s alphabet)
Died on a caravan site (M6-ster)
SINS OF CAR DRIVERS
Car that’s parked on a pavement narked pedestrians (He who would)
Take sweets off strange men in big cars and get driven to the woods (God gave us Life)
Driving backwards at rush-hour along the Edgware road (Upon Westminster)
Indicate then you stupid bastard (Twydale)
Because you didn’t indicate to go down Woodchurch Lane (Uffington)
Your charmless associates in a stretch limousine (Evening)
Well we’ve both seen your personalised reg plates
And it’s not the worst crime I agree (Paradise Lost)
I am St Peter, and you’re going downstairs, along with cars that have pet names (Mars Ultras)
Taxi drivers using their horn (Breaking News)
I park up in the pouring rain
The space was empty, who’s to complain
‘Cos I’m a Blue, Blue Badge Abuser (BBA)
Trying to sell Clan Of Xymox from your car boots (Faithlift)
Cars are too fast, ‘cos the drivers are slow
Joy-ride boy died (Steel Hearts)
And of course in the new song L’enfer c’est les autres, the car driver beckoning our hero across the road with a forefinger is the ultimate sin, so all in all, why not go by bus? They’re highly commendable…
BUS ROUTES
(been expecting Stuart Vallentine to do this one for ages now, what’s the betting I do it and then his version comes along at the same time?)
Hey Blakey does your bus go by the Dark Satanic Mills? (D.B.T.)
Elderly lady at the bus stop …there’s generally one at 25 past. They come swinging round that corner, they think they’re Benny Goodman (It makes the room look Bigger)
I know the drivers by their first names …Tony drives the 41 … staff canteen, Duff Leg Bryn got on the 113 …standing forward of the notice …While the vehicle’s in motion, the driver’s got nothing to say (LITTWOS)
They’re on the bus (Gubba Lookalikes)
…some to the college minibus, driven by Bob, who didn’t go our way… we could get the 71, which was a lot quicker and didn’t skirt the council estate… I noticed that it was a double-decker. As we boarded, I immediately felt a little uneasy, as the driver didn’t seem to know the required fare for our intended destination. As we made our way to the upper deck front seat, I felt the vehicle swing round to the left, as if to go along Bridge Street. “He really doesn’t know the route”… Ten years on …yes, you guessed it, I’m the driver…she floats on board, takes the seat behind me. She doesn’t pay of course, but she is keen to make sure we don’t go down Bridge Street. She finally alights at the cemetery (TJWDS)
Go by bus they’re highly dependable (FWIC)
Bus drivers who don’t wait for people to sit down (B.N.)
I saw the wheels of nihilism rolling my way
And now I live life in the bus lane (Architecture)
Use it or lose it the park and ride (San Antonio)
The bus replacement service had broken down (NSD)
I’ve got no bus fare, I’ve gotta walk (Bob Wilson)
the last bus to your heart (Ordinary to Enschede)
PRIVATE HIRE
Let’s forget about the open-top bus ride (Makes the Room Look)
Get on my funbus (Quality Janitor)
Tour bus crashes and you die (Nove)
Egg sandwiches on coach trips in June (Vagaries)
I didn’t really expect the train to get into Leeds as soon as it did, just three and a half hours late in fact (at one point they’d offered to put us up for the night at Newark station as if it was the greatest honour we’d ever dreamt of), so I’ll leave train references till another day. They aren’t as interesting as the bus ones though, are they?
Dec 2nd, 2010
Neil G
Charles,
What do you do in your spare time?
Dec 2nd, 2010
Charles Exford
Turned up, clocked on, laid off, Neil. Done about 4 months full-time work in the last 4 years, but I do enough bits and pieces to make sure I’m not a burden on the poor old state.
Since you asked for it, then:
THE UNEMPLOYMENT LIST
If God had meant for us to work
Then I’m sure he would have given us jobs …
Sign on you crazy diamond (A Lilac)
Now he’s working in a job with a future. He hands me my Giro every two weeks (DPAK)
They all went down the Social and they claimed their Supplementary (Nerys)
Unemployment’s rising in the Chigley end of town
And it’s spreading like pneumonia
Doesn’t look like going down (Trumpton)
Watch out world I’m a man at ease …. Turned up, clocked on, laid off…. I can’t cope….
Old Lady, you labelled me an idle layabout (A.C.P.)
On board the Enterprise Allowance Scheme … (Melkweg)
Does it hang in the air at the Re-start interview ? (On Reaching the Wensum)
New Deal, it’s all my arse (on reaching the Wensum)
…us poor actors are out of work
For 90%of the time
Yes of course I must have missed you
At the Job Club yesterday
Maybe you were signing on
Or finding out about free school meals (Soft Verges)
I ain’t got a job….. I’ll not be taken on board at this present moment in time (ITMA)
I blew my Giro on debts and essentials (Split Single)
Sign on with no hope in your heart (Friday night)
Dec 2nd, 2010
Neil G
The poor old state? Fuck the state, Charles. Fuck it till it’s sore then pour petrol on it and set it alight. Watch until it turns black and crispy, then scrunch it up and scatter its ashes to the wind so that it can’t somehow be rejuvenated. Then watch carefully that another one does not rise up in its place. If it does, crush it mercilessly. I’m not a great lover of the state.
Dec 2nd, 2010
Mr Larrington
Don’t worry, Neil, there won’t be a state left by this time next year. The gubbinsment will have sold it all to property developers.
Dec 3rd, 2010
John Anderson
“In bed again, can’t be bothered getting up.
Swing the lead again.
I’m still waiting for the man for Camelot
Telling me that I’ve won the Lottery.”
Dec 3rd, 2010
Lee's Twenty-first
@Charles and your list of phrases to introduce the instrumental break:
Let me hear you spell Wilmslow – 24HGP (Peel session)
Jan 6th, 2011
Compton Mopho
Checked out both Nick Knowles and Neil Morrissey links. Lasted 90 agonising seconds with Knowles, a paltry 22 with Morrissey. If they played them in Guantanamo nobody would bat an eyelid about waterboarding
Jan 30th, 2011
Compton Mopho
In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that I rank the Nick Knowles cacophany the 2nd worst song ever to assault my tender auricles
Jan 31st, 2011
Charles Exford
I was on a journey, exploring my issues with authority, like you do…
[yeah, yeah, yeah]
…probably in need of closure, you know how it is…
[yeah, right]
…when it struck me that the Compleat Workes of Blackwell depict enough clerics to fill a medium-size cathedral, enough of the police and judiciary to prevent any sort of real justice ever getting done, and as for other assorted authority figures, well …how many would you like? See the lists below. But if it sometimes seems that his quill lampoons as broad a spectrum of English society as anyone else’s since frickin’ Dickens, well how about some stuff you can’t make a list of? Does anyone else find it interesting that in 167 songs spanning nearly three quarters of all known Englishness, you can hardly find any references to compulsory education: schools, teachers, etc? Or is it just me (as usual)? Such a rich topic for English satire through the ages, and surely richly deserving of post-punk ire. Yet there’s hardly anything, except for the schoolwork and the mocks of ‘Dean Friedman’, and the only school-related authority figure referred to is that art teacher, together with a passing mention of Ms. McVeigh and her school choir in ‘Letters Sent’. I’ve probably missed something else but there isn’t much.
Yes there are colleges, the local polytechnic, foundation courses, his varsity gal, wardens and admissions tutors who will be picked off from the belltower. But of primary and secondary school contexts, practically zilch.
Anyway, those lists I promised …
MURDER IN THE CATHEDRAL
Six vicars strumming (Upon Westminster Bridge)
…I’m the clergy… (Bogus Official)
Yonder the deacon in misguided trousers (WBTV)
Murder the verger (With Goth)
The pope (Vatican Broadside)
A pain in the dioceses (Faithlift)
In pulpits …preach naked from the waist downwards …in cloisters …Reverend …Jesus (Ecclesiastical Perks)
Reverend Jim Jones bedspread (A Lilac…)
The rural dean lay inert in his John 3:16 shirt (Christian Rock…)
The sexton’s wife from the best-kept village (Vitus G)
…monastic …papal entourage (This Leaden Pall)
A melancholy emblem of parish cruelty (Bad Review)
A.C.A.B.
Tell PC McGarry to get himself a mate
And arm themselves with CS gas (Trumpton…)
Yeah OK I had a Kojak mac
By Christ they were trendy at the time
I got it into my head that I had to stamp out crime (Venus…)
North Staffs Police (M6-ster)
The magistrate he was a mate of a mate (Mate of the Bloke…)
Come see the townsfolk keenly gathered round the gibbet (PRS)
Nice policeman …Panda (Ecclesiastical Perks)
When you’ve been arrested for defacing the bridge (Twydale…)
And I wonder if they’ll bring back National Service and the birch (Rod Hull…)
According to my sentence (DBT)
Arrested in connection with “Annoying The Nation” …co-operating with police and government officials …those already charged include… (Breaking News)
Screws not happy… association… he’d only been locked up for public nuisance offences (NSD)
I asked the judge what might be my time
Twenty years on the RC Mountain Line (Worried Man Blues)
Arrested at Cowes robbing yachts (Tonight, Matthew…)
Copper (Whiteness…)
The maverick cops with their average flasks (…Valium…)
THE POWERS THAT BE
Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they’d better start assembling the boys from the fort…
…all this aristocracy has really got to stop
…our autocratic Mayor (Trumpton…)
A tyrannical loon (Song for Europe)
…if the army is not on standby …Pharoah’s wife (…Valium…)
I’m Measures and Weights (Bogus Official)
Eleven chairmen dancing …nine stewards flapping (Upon…)
Me and the ombudsman (When The Evening Sun…)
Bruiser McHuge (…‘Roids)
Paramedics, police, authorised and holy (…Hi-Vis)
The public sector leader …the gutsy Lady Mayoress (Deep House…)
Typical warlord (…Bubblewrap)
A merciless despot (A Lilac Harry Quinn)
The mayoral frown (Vitus G)
Chief Executive (ITMA)
and doubtless many, many more…
Feb 2nd, 2011
Neil G
That’s a very interesting observation, Charles. It is difficult to see what is not there, if you know what I mean. I am sure if I had the skills of NB, school would be very much in the firing line. I hated it with a passion. I hate it now, from a moral point of view. I recommend Murray Rothbard’s For a New Liberty: The Libertarian Manifesto. Chapter 11 is on Education. It tears apart compulsory state education and expresses more or less all my feelings on the matter, including that school is effectively daily prison. If you’re interested, you can download the book here: http://mises.org/rothbard/foranewlb.pdf
Even if you’re not interested, it’s still there.
Feb 3rd, 2011
Third Rate Les
I’m with you on the Rothbard Neil G, but teachers are too easy a target. Opinionated weather forecasters might seem like an odd one, but actually a society where weather forecasters seem to suggest we should all react to weather in the same way is a society with a disturbing belief in uniformity.
Feb 3rd, 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Can’t disagree with the proposition that NB57 has very little school based vitriol on which to vent his spleen. I can think of only 4 lyrics to add to a general list headed ‘Education: schools and teachers’.
We all knew someone at primary school
Who had a very powerful magnet. (Asparagus)
A room full of drama teachers listening to Bjork (Breaking News)
I could be tugging on the beard of science
Like a cheeky schoolboy (Floreat)
Ofsted plaudits (Chatteris)
And none of these is particularly critical anyway, merely mentioning an education related topic in passing.
Feb 3rd, 2011
John Burscough
Yes, and friends at school were very much thin on the ground too.
Mar 29th, 2011
Charlie, E ...
No racing today so I’m spoiling Good Friday with some lists. First of all a list which overlaps on the sports and sporting venues lists above.
GAMBLING
Pulled-up at Bangor-on-Dee
Waiting for them to weigh in at Newton Abbott
Placepot Uttoxter
When your horse leads the field in the 1st furlong of the national
3 from each section on the fixed odds coupon
Monmore hare’s running
The Man from Camelot telling me that I’ve won the lottery
Cash-back foot spa. Straight down Ladbrokes.
And we’ve lready touched on this above, but other places with racecourses named in Biscuit songs are: Warwick,Chester, York, Salisbury, Redcar, Fakenham, Cartmel, Nottingham, Hereford, Dundalk, Ayr (as not in Point of Ayr on I,Trog) and Bath (if it’s “a walk in Bath” rather than “a walk-in bath”. After all, if you need a walk-in bath, your Blue Badge is probably kosher).
DRINK
(unlike all me other lists which were all compiled in one single read-through of the entire lyrics on a rainy Sunday last October, this one is off the top of me head today, so will doubtless be somewhat incomplete. Pubs and bars will be a separate list.)
Cider (Tour jacket)
Snakebite (With Goth)
Weak lager (Foreskinny)
A swig of Jack Daniel’s (Fretwork)
“I’ll have a pint for myself and a pint for the ex-MC5″ (Get Kramer)
Drank a crate of Beck’s (Quad)
Watney (Rod Hull)
Fired by wine (27yards)
Wine-maddened Pentheus (Trad Arr)
What he believd to be wine (RSVP)
Drinking a classic red (Evil G)
Drinks bill (Shropshire)
Drunk in the tented village (Christian)
Drank to much again (Country)
…offered both of them a drink
And a drink and a drink and a drink.
Come the hour of four they were legless to be sure… (Arthur’s Farm)
Anything under 5% (and all of CAMRA man)
You drink too much Oranjeboom (Left Lyrics)
He’s pissed and he’s boring & he’s telling me all about the man in black (L’enfer)
CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES
Speeding out of Trumpton with a cargo of cocaine
I get high when I’m the pilot of a plane
Touching down in Camberwick I’m stoned out of my brain
Under bridges, over bridges, to our destination
Careful with that spliff Eugene, it causes condensation
…
Gonna get me syringes out and crank up once again (Time Flies by)
Do some serious drugs (Melkweg)
The coke was coke and the tongue was forked (Christian Rock)
With Peter Grummitt as an acid casualty (Let’s not)
Marijuana bores (Vagaries)
The Charlie in Bali (Shropshire)
Cokeheads, cokeheads (Improv)
Does your heroin lose its flavour (NY Skiffle)
Where the cocaine is fair trade … but the beak in Leek is weak
That tab you gave me (Ready Steady Goa)
The drugs hell, the drinks bill (Shropshire)
LEGAL SUBSTANCES
Haliborange (Sealclubing)
My pills …milk of magnesia (1966)
Medicine ….I need pills (Turned Up)
He who would valium take
Vitamin C (Soft Verges)
Homeopathic cures (Restless)
Sudafed (Restless)
Tablets & pills (DBT)
Quack nostrums (Vendor)
Powdered Peruvian bark (Sunshine)
Laudanum (Ode to Joyce …well it was legal in the golden age of the ode anyway)
The ‘roids
Bisodol (Tommy Walsh)
NON-ORGANIC VEGETABLES
(all from ANL unless stated)
asparagus
broad beans
new potatoes
aubergines
rhubarb
onions (3rd track, main camera)
allotments (This Leaden Pall)
mashed potato (Len Ganley)
beans (Venus)
bean bags (Orme)
JUICY FRUIT
I just stuck an apple in my face (The best things in life)
I don’t normally like tomatoes, John (Bob Todd)
apple in my eye gor blimey (Carry On.)
peaches on their cornflakes (Reasons)
lemon … lime(ade) (Pancake day)
figs (A Country Practice)
apricot (Foreskinny)
(halib)orange (Sealclubbing)
pick you own strawberries (Uffington)
plum tomatoes (ANL)
the fruit from a well-tended banana tree (Carry On.)
OTHER TREES
Larch (Numanoid)
Oak (Evil Gazebo)
Pine(s) (in three different songs)
The tree of tranquility (Problem Chimp)
Apr 22nd, 2011
Bobby String
“Foreskinny” Mr. E…? Is that a Freudian slip or have you been drinking too much of a classic red bottled by a medal winning estate on the banks of the Garonne?
Also, under the controlled substances section there seems to be a couple of glaring omission, namely:
“Pumped full of smack and with more to inject” – £24.99 From Argos
“The Drake and the super glue” – A Shropshire Lad (because glue can be sniffed and you can’t just buy it off the shelf any more, so it’s sort of controlled)
Nitpicking…me?
Ô¿Ô
Apr 23rd, 2011
Bobby String
P.S. Would it be stretching the point too far if I asked for “Sylvian and Fripp discuss whippets” to be included in gambling, or are whippets not used for racing?
Ô¿Ô
Apr 23rd, 2011
Charlie, E ...
Cheers Bobby – how could I forget the smack from Argos? Silly me.
I’m not sure that superglue itself has the right sort of solvents in it for sniffin’ glue, but I’m willing to wager that some unofficial betting probably still takes place around the noble sport of whippet racing. I think it used to be a big gambling sport in 19th century UK and in Ireland before independence. If anything’s going to revive it, then it’ll surely be “a combination of Sylvian’s deep, powerful lyrics and Fripp’s experimental guitar loopery”.
Apr 23rd, 2011
Bobby String
Perhaps old Moody Chops Sylvian and long suffering Toyah spouse Fripp could get together and do a cover of Monmore, Hare’s Running in an attempt to revive the aforementioned noble sport? They could wear ‘Ecky Thump’ type flat caps for maximum effect (rather than slumping in the corner).
By the way, I should point out, lest there be any confusion over Charlie’s above post, to the best of my knowledge you cannot purchase heroin or any other controlled substance for any price at Argos, though you can probably do so in the alleyway behind some of their stores. That said, if you did buy some smack from Argos and kept your receipt, you could probably get a refund if it failed to deliver the expected high, they’re good like that.
Ô¿Ô
Apr 24th, 2011
Bobby String
There’s nothing better to relieve boredom than list making, except perhaps rampant horny sex I suppose. Anyway, in the absence of the latter, I set about the former and decided to make a lisf of other things that the initials ‘HMHB’ might stand for. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
Her Majesty’s Hair Brush
Helen Mirren’s Hoover Bags
Harry’s Magic Hovering Boots
Help Me Hear Better
Hairy Mike’s Half Brother
Hail Mary, Hallé Berry
Harold MacMillan Hated Belgians
Henry Mancini Hates Beans
Home Made Hash Browns
Hot Mustard Heals Bedsores
May 1st, 2011
Bobby String
P.S. A nice on-topic one:
Honved Mania Hits Budapest
Ô¿Ô
May 1st, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
And Black Lace Can’t Sue: The Songs That Inspired The Songs
I know we’ve had lists of bands, Beatles references and stuff already, but I’ve found a new way to while away the quiet moments at work: compiling a list of songs alluded to or referenced in the songs of Half Man Half Biscuit. I’ve made some of this into a playlist on my jog-proof MP3 player: it lurches bewilderingly from the ridiculous to the sublime and back. Some Ronnie Boyce long shots included, and doubtless the odd Ronnie Rosenthal open goal missed. Also, I’ve listed song and artist (best-known, most likely or earliest recording), rather than song and writer, composer, etc., so a special mention here to Ralph Vaughan Williams (Lark Ascending); Thomas Tallis (Lamentations of Jeremiah); the burly physio of non-league Farnborough Town (Standing in the Road); and of course Trad. Arr., on which some of the best tunes in this playlist were built.
Ed’s Note: List now superseded by the update below
Jun 2nd, 2011
Third Rate Les
Surely it’s Lamentations of Jeremiah by Thomas Tallis?
And I was going to correct you on “while away” (rather than “wile away”) but Google says you can have both, so it must be true.
Looks like everything except The Armoury Show’s entire back catalogue though – good work.
Jun 2nd, 2011
Gregg Z
Mr. Dreadnought:
Superb stuff. Wonder if we could count both “Bridal Chorus” (Wagner) and “Funeral March” (Chopin), brilliantly blended together on “R.S.V.P” from the Radio Sessions
Jun 2nd, 2011
Gregg Z
Re: “The Songs that inspired the Songs” by Jeff Dreadnought
How about the snippet of “War Pigs” by Black Sabbath in the middle of “Left Lyrics in the Practice Room”? (Radio Sessions)
Jun 3rd, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Les: that song by The Sixteen, Lamentations of Jeremiah, was indeed penned by Thomas Tallis, but I decided to list artists that recorded the songs, rather than composers.
Gregg: You’re right, I neglected a few classical tunes such as the ones you mention, and of course Beethoven’s Ode To Joy, which makes an appearance on £24.99 From Argos.
And spotter’s badge for War Pigs by Black Sabbath, that has to go in.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Mr Larrington
“Wade In The Water” is deffo a Trad Arr but kudps for getting Eva Cassidy onto the list.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Neil G
Gregg Z and Jeff Dreadnought,
The snippet in ‘Left Lyrics In The Practice Room’ is not War Pigs but the first track from the first album. The band, the album and the track are all called ‘Black Sabbath’.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
I doff my cap to you Neil G, many thanks. Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath it is, then.
You’re right about Wade in the Water, Mr Larrington. Plumped for the Eva Cassidy to give the playlist some added kudos.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Oh, and news that Spurs have just signed Brad Friedel reminds me that You’re The One That I Want (Travolta/Newton-John) should be in there, too.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Third Rate Les
they’re the ones that they want
and obviously There Is Nothing Like A Dame was from South Pacific, not morecambe and wise, but you knew that. I sang in that in the sixth form with Krishnan Gurumurthy off the news, don’t you know.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Neil G
Jeff Dreadnought,
I have an overlooked song for you. Temporary Secretary by Paul McCartney, from ITMA. I don’t normally like McCartney, Jeff, but this is delicious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdTs-iLBKME
Jun 3rd, 2011
TWO FAT FEET
The selection criteria probably warrant that the Shoop Shoop Shong should be listed as the Cher version.
Jun 3rd, 2011
Third Rate Les
Jeff – what about “You’re 16, You’re Beautiful And You’re Mine”.
By the Sherman brothers, sung by Johnny Burnette and later Ringo Starr.
(see also that Charles and Chris The Siteowner have a post above about Beatles references which already spotted that one).
I was at Thorpe Park today waiting for my kids to finish on Stealth (I am now too old for these – I could feel my brain slamming around the inside of my skull) and that one came on.
Also interesting to see that the Ringo Starr version has the interjection “ah play that thing Randy”. I wondered if that was where “regain it for me Rodney” came from, but maybe that’s a bit obscure.
Jun 4th, 2011
John Burscough
Ah, the Sherman Brothers, writers of the music for ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’, ‘Mary Poppins’, ‘The Jungle Book’, etc etc.
On the minus side, they also wrote most of the Disney theme park songs.
All together now: “It’s a Small World After All…”
Jun 6th, 2011
Paul F
How many HMHB fans will be responding to the request in the penultimate paragraph of this week’s Knowledge in the Guardian?
Ed’s Note – Done.
Jun 29th, 2011
Arthur Lowe
I’ve been browsing through these exhaustive and impressive lists and didn’t notice any follow up to rob’s list of TV programmes on 13th June 2010. In an attempt to prove my credentials, or my ability to waste time or something, here’s some additional ones that surely won’t impress anyone:
Trumpton
Chigley
Camberwick (Green)
Hadleigh
Jim’ll Fix It
The Phil Silvers Show (or Bilko, as we all call it)
Little & Large
Doctor Who
A Country Practice
Sons and Daughters
The Crystal Maze
Daktari
Cadfael
Ross Kemp on..
Tommy Walsh’s Eco House
Looks Familiar
Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!
Kojak
Countdown
Crossroads
The Late Show
Blockbusters
Stars in Their Eyes
Comic Relief
Sports Personality of the Year
Carry On… (films I know, but there was a couple of TV series in the 70’s. And also the pointless Carry On Laughing comps)
Ally McBeal
Sex in the City
Apologies if any of these have already been posted, or there’s a TV reference thread all on its own that I’ve missed.
Jun 29th, 2011
John Anderson
@Arthur Lowe
What is the “Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!” reference?
Jul 18th, 2011
Rubber Faced Irritant
Mr Dreadnought – terrific stuff. Apologies for a tardy suggestion. But is Umpa Umpa (Stick it up Your Jumper) by The Two Leslies allowed? This refrain is also sung in the fade out of I Am The Walrus.
Jul 18th, 2011
Arthur Lowe
“Well done Private Anderson. I was just waiting to see who’d be the first to spot that one.”
That was my very best Captain Mainwaring impersonation. I can assure you all it was rubbish.
Of course, there’s no reference to Bill Maynard’s finest hour in the NB songbook. When I first posted the list, I threw Selwyn in as a gag, just so I could say the above when the error was spotted. I now realise just how drastically unfunny and unclever the whole idea was. I could’ve done with a “Do you think that’s wise?” bit of advice in my ear when I was typing it up. I knew by signing in as Arthur Lowe I’d end up trying to get that line in. Just as well there’s no posters called Pike.
Apologies for misleading the group. I realise accuracy is the key here, not tomfoolery.
While I’m about, and in a desperate attempt to save some face, I’ll swap “Oh No, It’s Selwyn the Imposter” for “Late Lunch”. A very poor substitute, in my opinion.
“Magic, our Maurice!”
……okay, okay, I’m leaving…………….
Jul 19th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Good spot, Irritant. In go The Two Leslies. Cheers for that. And while we’re at it, I also seem to have overlooked Johnny Cash’s Folsom Prison Blues.
Jul 19th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
I was delighted to find a reference to Neil “Razor” Ruddock in Rock and Roll is Full of Bad Wools. It makes a welcome addition to my latest list, which I’ve been working on for some time, entitled “Present and Former Spurs Players Mentioned in The Songs”. At the moment, I’ve got:
Garth Crooks
Brad Friedel
Neil “Razor” Ruddock
Can anyone think of any others?
Sep 27th, 2011
Charles Exford
Err, Gazza ?
Sep 27th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Blimey – that was an obvious one. Not sure how I managed to leave him out. A miss of Torresesque proportions.
Sep 27th, 2011
Charles Exford
While I’m here Jeff, I have to quibble with your inclusion of Sheriff Fatman on that list above. There’s surely no way NB57 would have released a song with the ‘Enterprise Allowance’ line in if he’d known that Carter had already done a similar (but not the same) reference. Carter’s song was I think originally released before HMHB’s but it got very little attention or airplay until its re-release after HMHB had written theirs.
Quips about being beamed up (etc etc) to the ‘Enterprise Allowance Shceme’ were common in the 80s before either song I’m sure, like ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ jokes or whatever, so it doesn’t really matter who was first, but it just seems unlikely that NB57 would quote another decent contemporary group’s work in what would be an unprecedented way. When he quotes relatively contemporary stuff it is almost always as pisstake.
Sep 27th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
In other breaking news, I’ve added Echo Beach by Martha & The Muffins (and some other previous omissions) to the And Black Lace Can’t Sue list, which now reads:
A Country Practice – Half Man Half Biscuit
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square – Nat King Cole
A-Tisket A-Tasket – Ella Fitzgerald
Agadoo – Black Lace
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth – Spike Jones And His City Slickers
American Pie – Don McLean (not Don Maclean)
Back In The USSR – The Beatles
Bette Davis Eyes – Kim Karnes
Bird On The Wire – Leonard Cohen
Black Betty – Lead Belly
Black Is Black – La Belle Epoque
Boom Bang-a-Bang – Lulu
Carrie Ann – The Hollies
Carrie – Cliff Richard
Cemetery Gates – The Smiths
Cokane In My Brain – Dillinger
Dancing Queen – ABBA
Day In The Life – The Beatles
Dear Prudence – The Beatles
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight? – Lonnie Donegan And His Skiffle Group
Echo Beach – Martha & The Muffins
Eileen Barton – If I Knew You Were Coming I’d Have Baked A Cake
Excerpt From A Teenage Opera – Keith West
Float On – The Floaters
From The Indies To The Andes In His Undies – Hoosier Hot Shots
Get Off The Stage – Morrissey
Gimme Shelter – Rolling Stones
Hello This Is Joanie – Paul Evans
Helter Skelter – The Beatles
I Don’t Believe You Want To Get Up And Dance (oops) – The Gap Band
I Left My Heart In San Francisco – Tony Bennett
I Scream You Scream We All Scream For Ice Cream – Walter Williams
I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston
I’m Keeping Two Chevrons Apart – Half Man Half Biscuit
If I Had Possession Over Judgment Day – Robert Johnson
Jake The Peg – Rolf Harris
Kick Out The Jams – MC5
Lady Maisry – Mark T.
Lamentations of Jeremiah – The Sixteen
Let Your Light Shine On Me – Blind Willie Johnson
Lido Shuffle – Boz Scaggs
Lilac Wine – Elkie Brooks
Lucky Stars – Dean Friedman & Denise Marsa
Maria – Jim Bryant
Morningtown Ride – The Seekers
Mustang Sally – Wilson Pickett
My Grandfather’s Clock – Johnny Cash
My Oh My – Sad Café
Oh Carol – Neil Sedaka
Oh! Mr Porter – Marie Lloyd
Oom-Pah-Pah – Shani Wallis
Peggy Sue – Buddy Holly
Radio Gaga – Queen
Reasons To Be Cheerful, Part 3 – Ian Dury And The Blockheads
Rock Island Line – Lead Belly
See That My Grave Is Kept Clean – Blind Lemon Jefferson
She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain – Ramblin’ Tommy Scott
Sheriff Fatman – Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine
Shine On You Crazy Diamond – Pink Floyd
Standing In The Road – Blackfoot Sue
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious – Julie Andrews & Dick Van Dyke
Temporary Secretary – Paul McCartney
The Bonnie Banks O’ Loch Lomond – Martha Tilton
The Clapping Song – Shirley Ellis
The End – The Doors
The Hippopotamus Song – Flanders & Swann
The Lark Ascending – London Philharmonic Orchestra
The Man With The Child In His Eyes – Kate Bush
The Real Slim Shady – Eminem
The Shoop Shoop Song – Betty Everett
There Ain’t Nothing Like A Dame – Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
This Land Is Your Land – Woody Guthrie
Tiptoe Through The Tulips – Nick Lucas
Travelling Riverside Blues – Robert Johnson
Trumpton Riots – Half Man Half Biscuit
Wade In The Water – Eva Cassidy
We Built This City On Rock And Roll – Jefferson Starship
With God On Our Side – Bob Dylan
Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong
Yellow Submarine – The Beatles
You’re 16, You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine – Ringo Starr
You’re The Reason Why Paradise Lost – Half Man Half Biscuit
Sep 27th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
@Exxo – Hmm. You may have a point there about Carter USM. OK, they’ll be deleted from the next published edition of the list. And from the Spotify playlist currently in progress.
Sep 27th, 2011
Charles Exford
Nice one Geoff.
Oh – and how could we forget that after the number one success of his band’s ‘Seven Tears’, Alan Brazil was tempted by a number of lucrative offers and scored 9 goals in his one season at Spurs.
Sep 27th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Ouch. Another chance goes begging as Ronnie Rosenthal, this time, slices hopelessly wide with the goal at his mercy.
Spotters badge, Exxo.
Sep 27th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
So the new, updated “Present and Former Spurs Players Mentioned in The Songs” list now reads:
Alan Brazil
Gazza
Garth Crooks
Brad Friedel
Neil “Razor” Ruddock
I knew this one would have legs.
Sep 27th, 2011
Charles Exford
Since you mention Rosenthal, you could actually put him in the squad if you get desperate, along with the post-apocalyptic Allens (Clive and Paul), third rate Les (Ferdinand), Bale (-ing wire)…
…Chas ‘n’ Dave have played at the Lane a few times …. as I’m sure has Baddiel in the odd charity match. Which reminds me, doesn’t that one about Baddiel mention ‘Anderton’ if you listen carefully?
Manager: Pleat, obviously.
I’m sure the crowd would quite happily sing ‘Bob Wilson, Anchorman.’
Sorry. I’m always like this when I’ve got stuff to do.
Sep 27th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
So we’ve got Brad Friedel in goal: Razor Ruddock and (Ledley) King (Of High Vis) at the back; Bale (ing wire) and Anderton (making one last appearance before changing career and becoming a lollipop man) playing as wing backs; Paul Allen and Gazza in midfield; and Alan Brazil, Crooksy, Clive Allen, and Third-Rate Les Ferdinand up front. Chas, Dave and David Baddiel on the bench. Magic.
Sep 28th, 2011
John Burscough
A few more updates from 90B(C) for the And Black Lace Can’t Sue list (the first two making second appearances)
Dark Was The Night, Cold Was The Ground – Blind Willie Johnson
I Walk The Line – Johnny Cash
Black Betty – Ram Jam
My My Hey Hey (Out of the Blue) – Neil Young
And a couple referenced in Tour Jacket wiith Detachable Sleeves:
Sylvia – Focus
Karn Evil 9 First Impression – ELP
Sep 29th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Good work, John, many thanks. All slated for inclusion in the next release, except for Black Betty as I’ve already gone with Leadbelly on that one.
Sep 29th, 2011
John Burscough
@Emerging From Gorse: There’s getting on for 27 yards of thread here, so apologies if I’ve missed any previous mention of Man (Welsh Rockers) in the lists of namechecked bands.
Oct 4th, 2011
Third Rate Les
John – presume you mean Folsom Prison Blues rather than I Walk The Line?
yours pissed and boringly…
Oct 5th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
There are references to both I Walk the Line and Folsom Prison Blues in “the Johnny Cash song”.
Oct 5th, 2011
John Burscough
I keep a wristwatch on this arm of mine, I keep my flies wide open all the time…
Oct 6th, 2011
JEGSY
The Wirral Globe wouldn’t publish a recent letter I sent them so here it is:
Sir,
Some of the young Japanese tourists often look quite disappointed when I drop them back off at ‘Woodside Felly’ after giving them the Half Man Half Biscuit Wirral (‘Wiwa’) tour in my cab. I don’t think it’s the tour itself – ‘Cammell Rairds, Plenton Park, A552, Stapredon Woods, Dee Estualy’ and much, much more. It’s more the look of ‘anti-crimax’ on their faces at the end; they have little sense of what to do afterwards. They’ve usually done the ‘Beaters’ tour and museum over the water as an hors d’oeuvre, and they can’t believe that ‘Wiwa’ Borough Council haven’t yet commissioned a decent HMHB museum, which ideally would be located dockside or at the ‘felly’ terminal. They often point out that ‘Riverpoo’ museums contain infinitely more of the band’s ‘memorabiria’ than those on the Wirral itself, and although they have always been awed to see those hand-written JDOG ‘rylics’, they righfully expect to see a lot more this side of the ‘liver’. They often ask where they can buy ‘commelolative tea towers’ or ‘Eviw Gazebo gof tees’ as presents for folks back home. Nowhere I tell them, unless their visit happens to coincide with a rare gig by the band, in which case I point them in the direction of ‘Holmfilth’, ‘Grasgow’ or wherever.
In the meantime I’m taking a group of HMHB-obsessed stuydents from Nagasaki next week on the first long-distance HMHB walking holiday, with the full blessing and support of the Offa’s Dyke Tourism Agency.
The route will proceed via:
Gwent
‘Lord Helliford’s Knob’
Hay-on-Wye
‘Montgomelly’
Chirk
Bangor-on-Dee
Hope
‘Roggerheads’
‘The Crwydian Hills’
As a finale, our group has been asked to ‘Plestatyn’, where we will be given a full civic welcome by Mayor Young himself.
Think on, Wirral beaurocrats. As usual, far slower than your peers eslsewhere to see the true economic and cultural potential that lies on your own doorstep.
It seemed appropriate to publish this heartfelt letter in your ‘lists’ thread because, as the Japanese fans have pointed out, the new album has made The Offa’s Dyke path the first long-distance footpath anywhere in the world to give access to ten separate sites of outstanding natural biscuitry.
Oct 14th, 2011
iffy voice
PUBS
The Black Horse
The Brown Cow
The Plough
The Bannister & Shamrock
The Rose & Crown
The Falcon
The Swan
The Queens Arse & Firkin
NOT PUBS
The Horse & Hound
OTHER DRINKING ESTABLISHMENTS
The pub that gets the cemetery trade
Camden boozer
Going to the pub on a Saturday night
Oct 18th, 2011
Third Rate Les
The one hosting Curry Night
And the Queens up the road
Oct 18th, 2011
John Burscough
Presumably the room festooned with fat beef certificates from county shows in which Duff Leg Bryn has drunk too much again is on licensed premises.
Even if it isn’t, this is my 100th post (surging ahead of Federal Metronome) so I’ve got some end of the century party preparations to be getting on with.
Oct 18th, 2011
Charles Exford
Because The Queen’s (note apostrophe) is ‘up the road’ from the one with Curry Night, which clearly hosts a regular curry night, the un-named pub has to be either The Mersey Clipper or The Halfway House. I’d bet on the former as it has live music most nights, the latter only at weekends. Plus NB57 has (allegedly) slagged off the beer at the latter during a bit of live improv, so surely the verse is set in The Clipper.
Oct 18th, 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
The one in which you want Dave and Barbara to refer you to the blackboard.
Oct 18th, 2011
Third Rate Les
That’s good knowledge Exxo. The Mersey Clipper it is then. And Queen’s, with apostrophe.
Also – the pub that’s got the ballpond for the kids
Oct 18th, 2011
Third Rate Les
And more generally in drinking establishments, you could include the Hot Air Balloon. That also obviously falls into the “NOT PUB” category.
Plus, of course, the bar in which Third Rate Les has gone just a little too far.
Oct 18th, 2011
John Burscough
The Met Bar
The Groucho
Oct 18th, 2011
Charles Exford
In fact no apostrophe at the Queen’s Arms these days. They certainly had one when I used to do my under-age drinking there. Allegedly. Let’s complain.
Decent pic, so by zooming in you can see that this Saturday’s music is still TBA.
I note that this does set the song firmly on a Saturday night, but I’m still thinking that the other pub has to be The Clipper. No Google images are available for The Clipper, in case you wondered. Its ugly frontage has caused the falure of many a photographic apparatus and anyway putting its picture here might cause the whole site to crash.
As for which pub Dave & Barbara worked at, I suggest a trip to this week’s Wirral Beer Festival (October 20th-22nd) where the local CAMRA-men can be quizzed on the matter. TBA might even be on.
Oct 18th, 2011
John Burscough
Nice.
Oct 18th, 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
The pub where a pub band who get uppity when everyone goes to the bar during a song they’ve written themselves play.
I’ve a feeling that this one could run and run.
Oct 18th, 2011
John Anderson
The one in which he gets all emotional and says “I tell you what, that baby’s changed my life.”
Oct 19th, 2011
iffy voice
surely that’s the same pub that has the ballpond for the kids
Oct 20th, 2011
John Burscough
Another possible for the And Black Lace Can’t Sue list: Please Mr Postman – The Marvelettes (“Well stop, wait a minute Mr Spokesman”, SAFP).
Oct 25th, 2011
iffy voice
i found another pub
Duke Of Marlborough
Oct 26th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
It’s been suggested elsewhere on thIs Project – quite reasonably – that the And Black Lace Can’t Sue playlist above should credit the original writers of the songs, not just the artists who made them popular to a certain generation. It’s a fair point.
And, realising that the somewhat arbitrary nature of the criteria for inclusion on the ABLCS playlist would leave the list purists sorely irked, I’ve spent many a sleepless night wondering whether to include the theme tune from Mr Benn, for instance, or classical pieces such as The Wedding March from Wagner’s Lohengrin.
But really I just thought it would be funny to have a playlist, juxtaposing the likes of Black Lace with the likes of Blind Lemon Jefferson, that you could actually put together and listen to. So I chose the most readily available version of each song, which meant going for the most obvious (to me, anyway) or amusing (to me, anyway) artist. Which is why Eric and Ernie get the credit for There Ain’t Nothing Like A Dame, and Eva Cassidy’s version of Wade In The Water is preferred to the original version, first published in New Jubilee Songs As Sung By The Jubilee Fisk Singers.
Oct 28th, 2011
Charles Exford
Yes I’d forgotten your very first sentence back (above) in June, Jeff, where you mentioned that it was meant as a playlist. Ah well, forget my suggestion then – if you’re going to have to suffer listening to all that lot, you poor old masochist you, you might as well have whatever version you like!
Oct 28th, 2011
Chris the Siteowner
Did a Spotify playlist ever get made? And is it collaborative, so we can add anything new which emerges blinking from the gorse?
Oct 28th, 2011
Jeff Dreadnought
Coming right up, Chris
Oct 28th, 2011
2 Chevrons
Now that Jimmy Saville’s season ticket is left to gather dust, I thought I’d check to see how many of those referenced on ‘Back in the D.H.S.S.’ are still clinging on to their’s. Individuals are in (I think) order of their mention on the album, I have left Nigel and Neil off the list for nothing more than not wanting to curse them by association. Birth dates included for anyone with a morbid fascination. Feel free to correct – but here goes …
Una Stubbs (born 1 May 1937)
Syd Little (born 19 Dec 1942)
Eddie Large (born 25 Jun 1942)
Keith Harris (born 21 Sep 1947)
Wendy Craig (born 20 Jun 1934)
Matthew Kelly (born 9 May 1950)
Lionel Blair (born 12 Dec 1931)
Bobby Charlton (born 11 Oct 1937)
John Noakes (born 6 Mar 1934)
Lesley Judd (born 20 Dec 1946)
Nerys Hughes (born 8 Nov 1941)
Robert Powell (born 1 Jun 1944)
Lech Walesa (born 29 Sep 1943)
Precious McKenzie (born 6 Jun 1936)
Val Singleton (born 9 Apr 1937)
Stevie Nicks * (born 26 May 1948)
Miriam Stoppard (born 12 May 1937)
Jane Scott **
Albert Hammond (born 18 May 1942)
Brian Cant (born 12 July 1933)
Robin Askwith (born 12 Oct 1950)
Bert Trautmann (born 22 Oct 1923)
* included for those who think the line in FHIFT relates to the Fleetwood Mac warbler
** understand this is a reference to a dating agency. I don’t know whether the Jane Scott existed or not
Also, looked up Jimmy Clitheroe for details of ‘the son of’. None mentioned, but HMHB were …
Oct 29th, 2011
New York Skiffler
2 Chevrons – you’ve missed a big one:
Dean Friedman (born 23rd May 1955)
Dec 20th, 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
Deano wasn’t on that album. Meta-pedantry?
Dec 20th, 2011
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