The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project

Stavanger Töestub is a very funny pisstake of nu-/thrash/godknowswhat metal which doesn’t outstay its welcome at 24 seconds either. According to the booklet (so I’m told, as all my CDs have been up in the loft for ages), the lyrics are:
Bastard doorstep sockless stupid
Kill your laughter pain is brutal
Can’t walk properly for a fortnight
Deus Deus
Norway Reds in Bluecoat Chambers
The pain, oh Momma the pain, worse even than when I cut open
My kneecap on the freshly gritted slope and our village doctor
Cleaned out the wound with a wire brush
So now BANG BANG BANG goes my PLAN (plan plan) to woo the peg lady.
Colossal drag
Teach. Me. To. Go Barefoot.

…but of course they’re not. Nor are they “suitable for work”, as the saying goes.

She’s In Broadstairs just about completes Cammell Laird Social Club* but there are a couple of lines which are big queries, so all suggestions gratefully appreciated in the comments below. It’s not often Nigel’s references go south-east of London (Kent, Rye and the South Downs are the only other ones on Stuart’s map), so it’s a rarity.

Paradise Lost (You’re The Reason Why) is one of the best HMHB song titles ever, and the lyrics ain’t bad either. Here it’s going to cause a little discussion because of one word, I suspect: six different people sent in the lyrics to the song, resulting in five different suggestions – doll, goal, gall, Gaul and Gaulle. Have fun.

Ooh, HMHB play Quo. 27 Yards Of Dental Floss is a work of genius on so many levels, not least of which is the line above. And the second verse is the most Steely Dan thing to come out of England ever.

I have to confess I was inspired to add Tyrolean Knockabout when I saw this rather unbelievable object in the b3ta newsletter this afternoon. It defies belief (and as they say, “Filed in the what the fuck are Amazon selling now? category”). A bit of a filler, this track, but a chance to get the accordion out, it would appear.

Excuse me for getting a bit excited, but every now and then you come across a Half Man Half Biscuit song which you’d sort of forgotten about, and which turns out to be brilliant. And Thy Damnation Slumbereth Not fits into that category. It’s the A Country Practice or National Shite Day of Cammell Laird Social Club and it contains so many great references, I don’t know where to start. So I won’t, I’ll just let you get on with it.

You don’t have to like football to find The Referee’s Alphabet amusing – although it’s the sort of song only a lower-league terrace-dweller would be inspired to write. Now even more than when the song was written, umpteen million football fans are screaming “Surely a bit of controversy is part of the game’s appeal?” at the TV every Saturday night when Hansen and company drone on about wanting video replays for refs. Sorry, rant over. Great song. And one of only two Half Man Half Biscuit songs (I think) to mention an Ipswich Town player. Makes me swell with pride, it does.

Them’s The Vagaries is (of course) another bunch of amusing observations; I don’t know why I find the “squid” line so funny. Regarding the “aviaries” stuff at the end, Nigel said: “Yeah, that’s where we do get silly. Sometimes I don’t care. But you can’t be stern-faced all your life.”

I’d better get a move on, we have more subscribers to the blog now than songs transcribed. It’s also time to get on with Cammell Laird Social Club. Anyway, San Antonio Foam Party has a go at officialdom assuming it knows what you think (see also A Country Practice) and suggests Britain’s two best tennis players at the time of the end of the century party were robots. And the relevance of the title of the song? I’ve no idea.

When The Evening Sun Goes Down is one of those great songs which brings together a stack of brilliant but unrelated lines. Almost every one is a gem.