The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project

The quiet desperation that is the English way (thanks Neil). OK, let’s get one thing straight: if it’s the man who wrote about the last train for the coast, it’s Don McLean, and if it’s the one-time Peter Glaze sidekick, it’s Don Maclean, and we’ll never know which one is being referred to, although you lot will argue about it, without doubt. Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off is one of the most beautifully gloomy songs HMHB have ever recorded, especially the coda after the last chorus. Magnificent.

Quality Janitor is about old janitors/parkies/grandads who presumably “put Nick Straker on the floor” when the seventies one-hit-wonders went for a walk in the park and had a trip in the dark. Maybe. Anyway, I thought this one was going to be difficult when five correspondents sent in five quite different first lines, but it got easier from there on in. That line may generate some discussion though.

Malayan Jelutong is a type of wood, apparently, but doesn’t feature in the song. Then again, it’s one of those songs where there are lots of intriguingly amusing references, but if there are any connections between them, they’re too obscure for most of us. Many years on, there are still adverts for The Original Breton Shirt in the back pages. Guardian readers never change.

Whiteness Thy Name Is Meltonian has two or three individual lines in it which I know are amongst the favourites of several people. And that coda – it’s almost pop music… Meltonian, by the way, still exists. It’s a brand which, despite being sold to the Americans, is so achingly traditional it apparently doesn’t need a proper website – and you won’t see much of a mention of it anywhere from its current owner, the mighty Sara Lee Corporation.

M-6-ster is somewhere up around the pinnacle of the very small hillock that is Great British Road Songs. As with many of the noisier songs from the HMHB songbook, there are a few indistinguishable lyrics – from the five people who submitted this, we got five different takes on the last verse, and – more surprisingly – four different takes on the chant at the end. So I’ve just gone with my favourites, although your mileage may differ.

There are some HMHB songs which largely defy explanation, and Numanoid Hang-glide is one of them. If we waited around for someone in REO Speedwagon to die before doing this one, we might be here a long time – they’ve been going for over 40 years and have been mentioned in an HMHB song …without any early demises, as far as I can see. Gazza, Mozzer and indeed, Numan himself may well go first. Dif Juz may well have had a 4AD3DCD.

Look, we’ve got to do them all sometime, and this is the one which came up next on the random track selector. Knowing you lot, you’ll probably still find something wrong with my lyrics.

4AD3DCD is an early example in the long series of HMHB songs mercilessly (for it can be no other way) lampooning indie or student bands. And it’s still one of the best.

Floreat Inertia is pleasant enough, and the band still do it live, but I never quite got this one, I’m afraid. That said, “the low drone of the treadmill is the sound of my hopes being shattered” is a magnificent line.

Running Order Squabble Fest ticks all the boxes and qualifies as an undisputed Half Man Half Biscuit classic. Brief, hilarious, good riff, modified football chant, embarrassing to its unsuspecting targets …what’s not to like?