The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project

This one always makes me smile. It’s just a list of management-speak gobbledegook, culled mainly from job adverts, but what’s striking about ITMA could well be how few of these terms have become quaint since 1997. I suppose most of the people who were writing business bullshit back then are still writing it today.

You didn’t really think that Song Of Encouragement for the Orme Ascent was going to be about “Llandudno’s Mountain”, did you? Thanks to the magic of Peel Sessions, another song, like Trumpton Riots, available in both guitar- and banjo-flavoured varieties.

See That My Bike’s Kept Clean is an update on a wonderfully maudlin old spiritual called Two White Horses In A Line, also known as One Kind Favour. The landmark recording – in a quite original version – was by the fabulously named Blind Lemon Jefferson, who called it “See That My Grave Is Kept Clean“. He promptly froze to death on the streets of Chicago, but as that was in the 1920s, you can’t pin it on Half Man Half Biscuit. For once. Anyway, this version is about cycling.

Yes tonight Matthew, he really is going to be with Jesus, because David Vine has just died at the age of 73, and becomes the first person mentioned in a Half Man Half Biscuit song to die for nearly three weeks. Tonight Matthew, I’m Going To Be With Jesus also mentions Julian Bream and Matthew Kelly, who must be making the most of each day. The song also contains one of the ultimate quick tests of whether your mindset is that of an HMHB appreciator: show me anyone who instantly understands what a “Factory completist” must be, and you’ll show me someone who will “get” HMHB. The opposite applies too, for sure.

A Shropshire Lad gets its title from an epic poem by AE Housman which I’ve just been told off about for not knowing (apparently it’s really famous). Anyway, it’s nice to be back after a summer off, and I promise there’ll be more frequent additions to the site now than the last few weeks’ pitiable close-season performance.

Monmore, Hare’s Running is a nonsense song which is more endearing than it probably deserves to be. Brilliant if for nothing else than getting that title into a song.

OK, so I’ve taken a longer than usual break from posting up lyrics, and therefore as penance let’s do a song which nobody ever seems to have quoted online before and which I’ve been dreading doing. P.R.S. Yearbook – Quick, The Drawbridge has some fairly baffling content anyway, but the muddy production just makes it even harder to get to grips with. I expect more than a few comments and corrections on this one.

Dead Men Don’t Need Season Tickets is one of those glorious songs which touches on a subject which probably shouldn’t be touched on, but you can’t help but smile when you think about it.

He Who Would Valium Take is a hymn. Well, sort of. With a church organ, bad singing and everything. Wow. Who saw that one coming?

Eno Collaboration is more poking fun at pretentious bands, although this time a bit more major league than the usual indie targets.