A Country Practice may be named after the Aussie soap but it’s “Sons and Daughters” and “Home and Away” which get the namecheck in the lyrics. A fantastic six-and-a-half-minute rant which is a shoo-in for a place in the top ten best Half Man Half Biscuit songs ever. Musically ace and lyrically sublime.
See lyrics of A Country Practice
Patrick
Isn’t it ‘boardroom seats’, not ‘…suits’??
Not sure for certain. Great song…one of my faves
Patrick
(PS> great site BTW!)
19 March 2008
chris
Yep, thanks Patrick, I like that, and it makes more sense. Duly amended.
20 March 2008
Nathan Bigjobs
isn’t it “Old-a-lady”? rather than “Odelaydee”
Captain Pedantic thinks the “old” bit is important…
1 April 2008
chris
Hmm, not sure. Anyone? I assumed it was just a yodelling-type thing using Odelay
1 April 2008
MickeyMo
I think it actually goes “Oh the la – ady labelled me an idle layabout”. the ‘lady’ referring to the ‘Iron Lady’ Margaret Thatcher (Oh how it pained me to type that name).
18 April 2008
chris
OK, I think we’ve reached the right conclusion!
19 April 2008
Craig
It doesn’t matter too much but I’m pretty confident it’s ‘old lady’
22 April 2008
Kevin
Are you sure it’s Wem, and not REM?
30 April 2008
chris
Yep, it’s Wem alright.
30 April 2008
Sanchez
Re: Adrian and Sophie Horne – one bloke with a pierced dick:
Until I read this I thought it was “Adrian strokes Sophie”, because Sophie was the name of his, er, pet pant snake.
10 May 2008
Stuart
Just a small one but think this line should be ‘Of cliched old spinsters who‘ve never been loved’.
30 May 2008
gavinski
i think it’s ‘and all the jehovah’s witnesses’
and it’s definitely ‘old lady’
for a comment, i am ecstatic over the exuberant excellence of the line
‘the fireworks lighting up the houses of parliament’
irony? sarcasm? satire? all three?
also, the marvellous vision of the end of this song almost came true on the golden jubilee in 2002 with brian may standing on the roof of buckingham palace like a bell tossing off his guitar END.
touche, mr blackwell
29 June 2008
Neil G
The first line sounds like ‘I feel like a beggar accepting Elms’, not ‘alms’. The ‘l’ is clearly pronounced, which it would not be if it were ‘alms’. Alms sound like arms. It’s definitely ‘elms’. Why, I don’t know, but it is. I’ve just listened to it several times.
23 September 2008
grim
Neil G: I don’t see why there’s a reason to prefer a lyric which makes no sense over a lyric which makes very good sense, over a quibble of pronunciation – especially not when “alms” is one of those frequently mispronounced words that carries a silent “L”. So I’m sticking with “alms”.
23 September 2008
Andrew McAuley
Sorry it’s alms… Birkenhead accent. Unsure as to the pelted with figs reference. Wonder if it’s tied into sycophant – a fig seller? Agree in toto with Gavin.
23 September 2008
Fredorrarci
It sounds very much like “illusory boardroom suites to these ears.
23 September 2008
Fredorrarci
And, to be ultra-ultra-pedantic, I reckon there should be quotation marks around “I’ve got no time for this twelfth consecutive rose bowl”, given that it seems to be said by old Brynnie.
23 September 2008
Neil G
Grim: Are we expecting sense in the entire HMHB oeuvre? I would simply ask you to trust your ears, rather than your expectations. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, call it a duck. This most definitely sounds like elms. Elms don’t walk or quack, so I suppose there is a lack of evidence on those fronts.
We have an example of the unexpecteds that exist in HMHB lyrics with the ‘pelted with figs’ line. Why figs? Are you sure that’s not ‘eggs’ with a Birkenhead accent? Eggs are much more commonly used for pelting. Or perhaps it was a spoonerism. Perhaps he meant ‘felted with pigs’? This conjures up pictures of acquiescent porkers lying across garage roofs, keeping out the rain. Maybe that’s a step too far.
Oh what a confusing world it can be.
Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. There are far more important things in the world.
Incidentally, I live about six miles from Birkenhead and I’ve never heard anyone pronounce ‘alms’ as ‘elms’, but I’ve never heard anyone from there say either of those words, so that’s inconclusive.
24 September 2008
Dave F.
Great Site Chris
Neil G.: You seen to be missing the main point – that it sounds like alms not elms & as Grim points out – it makes sense. And why would the ‘l’ be silent? Whenever I’ve said it or here it said, the ‘l’ is always pronounced. Not that I say it much (Note To Self: Drop ‘alms’ into the conversation more often).
Also I thinks it’s boardroom ‘suites’ I’m sure there’s a ‘wa’ sound going on. Why?, I don’t know.
27 September 2008
Ben
Just to add a tuppence worth, how would you accept elms?
“Oh here’s a tree for you Mr poor person, I believe it’s an Elm, hope this helps alleviate your suffering in your current destitute state”
28 September 2008
Neil G
Dave F,
I don’t want to offend but if you are pronouncing ‘alms’ with an ‘l’ sound, then you are pronouncing it incorrectly. This site gives the correct pronunciation. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/alms
I don’t know why the song sounds like ‘elms’. I didn’t write the song or sing it. I only heard it. It may well be ‘alms’ pronouced incorrectly. That does make more sense, but it doesn’t sound like ‘alms’. That’s all I’m saying. It may be ‘elms’ just to sound silly. Why on earth am I writing this?
30 September 2008
Fredorrarci
Neil G,
In defence of Dave F, I would say that pronouncing the ‘l’ in alms is non-standard rather than “incorrect”.
And though I can see where you’re coming from in thinking that it could be ‘elms’, and even given Nigel’s off-beat lyrical sense, I think a beggar accepting elms is a tad too odd even for HMHB.
1 October 2008
Neil G
Fredorrarci,
I love your name. You’re not the chairman of the Spelling Society, are you? You know, the one who said that the English language is a bit too difficult for children these days and that they should be allowed to spell words any way they want to. Or perhaps you are the chairman of the Pronunciation Society, which avers that anyone should be able to pronounce words in whatever way they want. Very liberal and enlightened, I agree, as it ensures that all will have prizes, nobody can ever be wrong and nobody need ever feel embarrassment at their mistakes, since they never make any.
I accept that the language is not fixed, that there are dialectal (as opposed to dialectical) variations in the way people pronounce words but, from the 1700s onwards, with the advent of general dictionaries, progress has been made in many fields by our agreeing to common spellings and more or less common pronunciations. I have never heard anyone ever pronounce ‘alms’ with an audible ‘L’. If we look at any dictionary, we will not find one that contains such a pronunciation as an acceptable variation. To my mind, that brands it as an ‘incorrect’ pronunciation rather than a ‘non-standard’ one. However, I am willing to accept that someone, somewhere may pronounce ‘alms’ thus, albeit idiosyncratically.
It may be that Nigel uses the word ‘elms’ playfully. Whenever I see the word ‘awry’, I always pronounce it as ‘ory’, as in story, just for fun. While reading out the clues for the crossword when I was a child, I pronounced it that way, having never seen it before. It stuck with me. Similarly, the word ‘misled’ always comes out as ‘mizzled’. It’s playing with words. It is not beyond the bounds of the imagination to think that Nigel could simply be playing with words.
I have finished writing upon this subject now, so anyone who wants to add anything will be guaranteed the last word. I must go and save the world.
8 October 2008
Fredorrarci
Sure, it could be wordplay on Nigel’s part. But I guess it’s a question of having to plump for one or the other, and on balance I believe it’s ‘alms’ (besides the matter of what a beggar would be doing accepting elms, the vowel sounds far too open to be an ‘e’ sound, to these ears at least). But of course we could probably never entirely rule out ‘elms’ unless Nigel himself decides to pop by.
I don’t honestly know how common it is to pronounce the ‘l’ in ‘alms’, whether it is regional or idiosyncratic or perhaps a Blackwell family original. There is one possible reason for Nigel to have pronounced it that I’ve just thought of, though I admit it’s highly unlikely: perhaps he had never, or very rarely, heard anyone say the word, and assumed the ‘l’ was not silent. I have a feeling it’s just Nigel being Nigel, though – see how he gives the “-ar” in “vinegar” its full value on “Little In The Way Of Sunshine”. He seems to like messing around like that.
I fully agree with your point on the effectiveness of standardised spelling. Pronunciation is a different matter. I come from Ireland, and pronounce many words in ways not to be found in any dictionaries. Nevertheless, I would expect that if you were to hear me speak you would no doubt be able to understand virtually everything I say. If I were to say to you “I saw a great fillim last night”, I’m sure you’d catch my drift. Similarly, if someone were to talk about a ‘beggar accepting alms’, pronouncing the ‘l’, it would be reasonable to hear it as ‘alms’ despite its non-standard pronunciation. If, however, they were to say ‘beggar accepting biscuits’, and were to expect you to understand that ‘biscuits’ was an acceptable way to pronounce ‘alms’, that would be unreasonable.
I know that’s verging on reductio ad absurdum, and may not even make much sense, but my point is that ultimately, language is about getting your point across and being understood (how successful I’ve been in this regard with this comment I’m not sure!). It’s not woolly-headedly liberal or school-sports-day to accept that the ways to do so are variable, that the parameters are somewhat broader than is often allowed for, and that it is wrong to dismiss anything which does not fall slap-bang in the middle of the paramaters as ‘incorrect’. That said, language is a convention, and if you go too far beyond the bounds of this convention it is reasonable to use such a description. It depends on where you set those parameters, and to me alms-with-the-l-pronounced fits somewhere within them.
As for my name, it’s playing with words.
I can well understand your reluctance to comment further on the topic; it is exactly the kind of debate which tends to go round in circles. And Chris is probably fed up with it and all. I respond to your excellent comment not to have the final word, but just to make my position clear. Hope it has!
8 October 2008
Chris The Siteowner
> And Chris is probably fed up with it and all
No, it’s amusing. But if you’d like to spend the time in more gainful employment (perhaps trying to decipher “Multitude” or “Ready Steady Goa” for me), please feel free!
9 October 2008
Peter Gandy
Agree that it must be alms; even though it sounded very elms like last night at the forum. See ‘subsequently’ for Nigel’s occasionally non-standard pronunciation.
17 October 2008
gary s
No love, no peace
K-now love, k-now peace
Maybe he pronounced the L so it didn’t sound like arms.
19 October 2008
Mr Larrington
Listened to the Forum version of this yesterday – definitely “alms”.
19 December 2008
Richard
Don’t know about the “ham-fisted diadems,” but the following comes from Roland Huntford’s excellent biography of Sir Ernest Shackleton, “After his momentary daydream of mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats, Shackleton realised that Beardmore was not going to mean a fortune overnight…” p151
30 January 2009
Richard
I think its ‘excepting elms’ Maybe beggars wont sleep under elms because of the sap.
Or is it cedars that drop sap?
30 January 2009
Neil G
“мм.. неплохо”
Eh?
4 April 2009
Neil G
Where’s it gone?
4 April 2009
Charles Exford
Since this has had a little bump from Neil there I thought I’d comment with an “I’ve always heard it as” or two.
First of all, I think it’s “other things besides”.
Secondly, and more importantly, I’m not sure where you’re getting “the old lady” from. I’ve always heard it as
“Old la-ee-dee, you labelled me an idle
Old la-ee-dee, you labelled me an idle
Old la-ee-dee, you labelled me an idle lay-a-bou-ou-out
Lay-a-bou-ou-out
Lay-a-bou-ou-out.”
The anger is directed straight at Thatcher with the “you”.
By the way, I’d be prepared to wager me brother’s giro that the name “Thelma” in the song “It makes the Room Look Bigger” is inspired by the “T for Thelma, that girl that made a wreck outta me” in Jimmie Rodgers’ original “T for Texas” yodel from 1928.
As for some of the rest of this wonderful ramblin’ old song, I’d really like to thank Richard for posting the “Shackleton” quote above. Because NB’s lyrics seem to contain so many quotes from books and paraphrasings of literary sources that one cannot ever hope to uncover them all (unless we manage to send a bogus official into Chez Blackwell to photograph the bookshelves, etc. with a hidden spy camera … “good morning ma’am I’ve come to read your gas meter…”), such gems shared from fellow biscuiteers’ reading matter come as a real bonus.
I’ve always felt that the alms/figs thing has a biblical feel to it, or at least the feel of ancient fable from somewhere round the Eastern Mediterranean, and sure enough, I recently came across a Hebrew folk tale from the Talmud (with alternatives available in more recent Arab versions) which – to cut a long story short – tells the tale of 2 old men, one of whom presents the Emperor Hadrian (or in Arabic versions the Caliph) with a gift of figs and is rewarded with money, the second of whom, jealous of the first, approaches him for money and instead gets pelted with figs by the Emperor’s men for being greedy.
But of course I’ve also realised that in centuries gone by when the language was so full of classical references, “pelted with figs” was used as metaphor for a poor critical reception for any artistic work , as this was what the ancient Greeks would have done to poor theatrical performances. T.S. Eliot wrote I the 1920’s that the Penguin translator of certain ancient Greek works into modern English should be pelted with figs and olives, as poor performers would have been back then. So it also fits in with the images of the chart placings, the long-lost critic “who said I was vital”, etc.
Finally I’d like to comment on the issue of the pronunciation of “alms”. It’s clear that some of NB’s not infrequent variants on standard pron. are for the comic effect (“Youth” as a comic rhyme for “South” in ‘2 Chevrons’, “K-now love, K-now peace” to underline the exaggerated crassness of that pun in the lyrics to ‘Song for Europe’, “Les” to take the piss out of the way people abbreviate “Les Miserables”, etc ). Other examples may be for rhythmic purposes (“SubSEEquently” for example).
“Alms”, however, is one that stands out as having almost no obvious explanation. Personally I think he’s either just playing with the sound of the word, having perhaps, who knows, been challenged about it by someone in the studio “accepting arms ?” or he’s referring to someone’s own idiosyncratic pronunciation of the word. My own brother always used to take the piss for years about me pronouncing “misled” as “MYsld” when I was reading something out when I was a kid, cos I’d never heard the word before. Or then again there are just words that you sometimes always enjoy mis-pronouncing. Personally, I can never resist saying “G-nash” or “G-narled” as if they were “G-nu”. Anyway, the point is, I reckon it’s definitely “alms”. All to do with wonderful idiosyncrasy and idiolect, nothing to do with regional accent.
What was it Eliza Carthy said about this song again, when choosing it for The Guardian as the song that for her defines “Englishness” ? Ah yes, here it is:
“Blackwell goes all over the country to pick apart English people at our basest: trying to be famous or making money living on the streets rearing fat cows. Then at the end, there’s a little old lady in front of the TV watching the millennium fireworks. As Sting plays on the roof of the Barbican, she dies alone because there are no hospital beds for the poor and she’s got no family. The song seems over-clever and flippant, but it’s bitter and very funny, which is very English: pathos disguised by wit and emotional detachment. It’s like a camera flying over the country, zooming in and out; like watching a film of England.”
I don’t agree that farmer Bryn is “living on the streets”, but she’s pretty much spot-on apart from that. This song is a collage of mysterious genius, and long may we continue to pick over its idiosyncracies and its references.
6 April 2009
Neil G
It has always sounded like ‘The lady…’ to me. Thatcher called herself ‘The lady…’ in her famous speech: ‘You (U) turn if you want to. The lady’s not for turning’.
8 April 2009
Charles Exford
I do of course remember that speech, which alluded to ‘The Iron Lady’ nickname, and everything else that everyone used to call her, all too well. If NB was to repeat any of her words or ‘titles’ it would of course be ironic, but the bitterness of “Old laydee, ya labelled me …” to me would seem far more likely even if it wasn’t what I’ve always heard.
I can see why the /d/ of ‘old’ might make yo think it’s a ‘the’, but the ‘you’ or ‘ya’ seems unmistakeable, particularly in the second and third repetitions.
16 April 2009
Peter Gandy
Charles,
I seem to remember Huw in ‘How Green Was my Valley” – played by a young Roddy McDowell pronouncing misled as mizzled.
16 April 2009
Charles Exford
Peter,
Sounds like Neil’s pronunciation that.
Mine when I were a nipper was MY-zld.
16 April 2009
Simon
Her majesty, marvellous, mother the musical – I’ve always thought this to be “Mother” – the musical, i.e. a musical about the Queen Mum, (probably scripted by Ben Elton). In other words, Nigel having a go at the fact that virtually anything can become a west-end musical. I may well be wrong but the line doesn’t make any sense otherwise (and despite the comments elsewhere, this is one song where every phrase does seem to be carefully chosen).
20 April 2009
Charles Exford
Yes, I’ve always thought that too, especially as age-wise she was so associated with the Millennium, and yes I had exactly the same thought that it would be by Elton.
On the HMHB yahoo group over the past few days we’ve been trying tp compile a list of vicitims of The Curse (which, incidentally, Chris TSO could IMHO feel free to nick & add to this site, with acknowledgements of course), and I’ve been tempted to suggest adding the Queen Mum to the list of victims as she is certainly referred to rather than merely alluded to in this line.
20 April 2009
Neil G
Given the ‘HMHB’ curse, why is Mr Blair still alive and kicking? I think a few more songs mentioning him and our current great leader, Gordon, would be a good idea. The sooner the better.
20 April 2009
Charles Exford
Yes it would be nice if we could claim the hat-trick of a Pope, a member of the royal family and a P.M. amongst other dignitaries.
20 April 2009
Ben
Re ‘The Curse’ – it strikes again.
http://news.hse.gov.uk/2009/04/07/corgi/
Corgi Registered Friends will now need to be Gas Safe Register Friends.
23 May 2009
Daryl
is ‘alms’ a pun on ‘almonds’?
Perhaps some reference to fig almond cakes?
*uncomfortable silence*
hmmm.
26 May 2009
The Wonder of the Internet
Pelted with figs:
http://www.sacred-texts.com/jud/pol/pol39.htm
‘Alms’ would make sense in this context, too.
16 October 2009
Charles Exford
That’s the story I summarised above.
17 October 2009
Charles Exford
The version of this at the Leeds Uni gig 2 weeks ago was simply superb.
Not sure how any of you could be in any doubt about “alms” after listening
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNAEOPxY2oE
and “other things besideS” is surely also confirmed.
Here’s some other comments from my so-called review of the gig, which you don’t really need when you’ve got YouTube, but anyway
” … more observations on TV numpties,
including:
“Pop groups on the sofa on Saturday morning, YAWNING! Bands on Soccer AM being asked:
“So you’re from Southend? Do you get down to Roots Hall much ?”
And they look to the side to the TV chef, and they look at Razor Ruddock, but Razor Ruddock’s not gonna help you now, boys…
“What’s Root’s Hall? What’s Roots Hall ?”
” I thought you were from Southend ? Don’t you like football ?”
“Well four of us are in the band, one doesn’t like football, they support
Manchester & Liverpool and I support Arsenal & Chelsea. Errm, here’s our latest single.”
“Thanks.”
Adrian/Sophie adds ‘get involved’, between the words ‘yes indeedy’ and ‘footy’, and whips the audience up into doing the Timewarp “when they would have done it anyway of their own volition anyway… that’s the first time I’ve ever used the word volition in a public appearance… I don’t know what came over me …it just came from nowhere.”
But why am I telling you all this, when you could just check it out on Youtube ?
What I will just say is that from “she died with her telly on” owards, it was
one of the angriest versions of these lyrics I’ve ever heard, even if he did
replace “T for Thatcher” with “T for Trumpton”. ”
Please, Mr Rand Sir, can we have a gig section to post about gigs on here ? Pleeease ?
28 October 2009
Charles Exford
Apparently these new-fangled interweb campaigns can have quite an impact on the music industry. So a few of yer texts please to Gideon Coe of BBC 6 Music to make sure this is played tonight on his “Australia Day” show. Text 64046 or summat.
26 January 2010
Ben
Charles
Do you reckon, even given 6 Musics more ‘renegade’ status “pierced dick” and “Queens Arse” would get the nod?
27 January 2010
Charles Exford
“Alms” confirmed, though there wasn’t really any doubt, was there ?
NB57 said that whilst he’d obviously read the word countless times he’d not really pronounced it before this song. Sounded like he wished someone in the studio had corrected him.
He couldn’t say where the idea had come from.
16 March 2010
Charles Exford
Tarnation. I forgot to ask about my “Old lady, you labelled me…” theory, and about “besideS” (but the latter I’m still sure about).
16 March 2010
Norbert D
That YouTube version also seems to go “Duff Leg Bryn had drunk too much again, both of Wham! were steering clear of him…”
Excellent.
16 March 2010
Norbert D
And I can sympathise with Nigel re. “alms”. I think most of us who grew up vaguely bookish in the kind of environment where you don’t get the chance to use those long / unusual words have faced the same problem. There are still tons of words that I know but wouldn’t be 100% sure how to pronounce. I suppose that would have been one benefit of a university education…
16 March 2010
TWO FAT FEET
CHOOOONNN!!!!
Love the bass line, the lyric about the weather forecasters and just the general let-it-all-out shoutiness of it. Emulated by Thy Damnation Slumbereth Not for its sheer catharsis value.
4 April 2010
Charles Exford
I’m still not sure how anyone who has really listened to the lyrics live can doubt that it’s either:
“other things besides”
or “Old Lady, you labelled me an idle
Old Lady, you labelled me an idle
Old Lady, you labelled me an idle layabout”
[Bloody hell, her voice came on the radio by pure chance while I was typing that. Urgh, undead, undead, undead... ]
At Bilston we not only had:
“Bitter ex-soap stars who thought they could do other things besides“,
…but, remembering how he’d meant to change the line, he then thought, what the heck, and repeated the line with the change anyway:
“Bitter ex-Big Brother stars who thought they could do other things besides“
22 September 2010
Germ
I’m still sure there’s no “you” in the old lady line!
Sounds much more like : “Old lady labelled me an idle layabout”.
Saw Maggie T at the Popes “do” the other day…..for a little old lady she still makes my flesh crawl! Once she’s dead and buried (on second thoughts she doesn’t actually need to be dead in my book) there’ll be one hell of a queue of people waiting to walk on her grave ….and perform several types of bodily function
22 September 2010
Chris The Siteowner
I’m happy with “besides”, unless anyone has a serious objection. But “Oh the lady…”, “Old lady…”, or “Old lady, you…”? Maore discussion may be merited.
22 September 2010
dagenham dave
It’s deffo “old lady you…” without a doubt. And you can’t say that very often.
23 September 2010
Neil G
It’s definitely ‘Oh the lady …’
23 September 2010
Chief Exec
I think its “Centre Court’s amusement”. Just a small change but that’s how I’ve always heard it.
Another one – ‘Sons and Daughters and Home and Away’ I always heard as ‘are at Home and Away’ in some sort of football crossover. Just went back and listened to it a couple of times over and there’s something going on with the word ‘and’ which makes me think it isn’t as simple as ‘and’.
Maybe Sons and Daughters are on Home and Away? They do seem to recycle the same 20 or so actors for all their shows.
8 October 2010
chris p
HELP! At 4mins 4secs of this masterpiece, after the final “mantra filled oompah”, there is some studio chatter, possibly from another band member, before Nigel comes back in with “adrian/sophie…..”. I know it’s not technically lyrics, but does anyone with better hearing than myself have any idea what is being said? It’s driving me insane!!
24 November 2010
Darren Stephens
another little note regarding ‘alms’.
I’ve got a good mate hailing from Ashton-under-Lyne who pronounces the word ‘almond’ with a distinct l sound after the first syllable (lamost making the word sound like ‘olmond’. This contrasts with me, east of the Pennine who pronounces without the l and thus makes it sound like’armond’. I suspect this is where NB’s phrasing might originate.
PS: Wonder if NB got to Palace Green in Durham last week. There’s a nice little café there called, of all things, ‘The Almshouses’
30 November 2010
grim
Chris P is half right, I don’t think it’s studio chatter at 4:04, but rather, a line cut from the vocal track, the reverb from which remains audible. But I can’t make out what it says either. A good challenge for aspiring HMHB archaeologists.
13 March 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Sirs,
Further to my comments of March 16th 2011 on Those No Longer In Need Of Season Tickets:
There’s only one ‘m’ in Emanuel.
One ‘m’ in Emanuel.
There’s only one ‘m’ in Emanuel.
Yours etc.
Disgusted of Kansas
22 March 2011
peter
line 17: it’s ‘on Sunday’, not ‘at Sunday’. I must go, I’ve got work in the morning.
11 May 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Wow. Missed that. There will be much self-mortification across the land today.
11 May 2011
chedgzoy
And while we’re revisiting this, I’m sure it’s “There’s not enough hospital beds” rather than “With not enough…”
11 May 2011
Hagerty F.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australia_Day
26 January 2012
Tangerine Wizard.
I’ve always sung boonless (as in Ken,played by Michael Elphick,it also starred Neil Morrissey who as Nigel points out is definitely a nobhead!)Thanks for clearing that one up for me.
6 June 2012
Chigley Skin
Definitely A Country Practice as Olympic anthem.
She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused/There’s not enough hospital beds ’cause all the money’s been used/On the pointless London Olympic wankfest/And the reckon the last thing she saw in her life was Becks throwing a wobbler ’cause Pearcey ignored him, Becks throwing a wobbler ’cause Pearcey ignored him…
That last line is open to alternative suggestions, by the way!
13 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
Capital ‘F’ in “French maid”, my speciality you know. Adjective not verb I think.
I remember when John Profumo apologised for having myzled The House. I’ve long regretted that I wasn’t old enough to enjoy the scandal as it developed. I can also remember being told it wasn’t Car-liz-li. Arrrgh.
If you know anyone Japanese, try to get them to say “plurality”.
@Chigley Skin. Can’t improve the first bit, but how about “Becks jumping off Buck House ’cause Pearcey ignored him”? Not perfect, but these things can take some effort to get right. Back to you.
13 July 2012
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Bravo Chiggers (if I may presume to be so familiar) – Although I’d have maybe gone with ‘Psycho’ rather than ‘Pearcey’ for the sake of added frisson.
Don’t think I can top it but…………….
And they reckon the last thing she saw in her life was Daley failing to live up to early expectations, Daley failing to live up to early expectations…..
13 July 2012
Chigley Skin
I did consider “Psycho” instead of “Pearcey”, but for some reason, Psycho is one of those nicknames that rubs me the wrong way. It’s basically the kind of nickname someone might come up with for themself, and then badger other people to use it so they sound cooler (sadly, I have known people who’ve tried that. They were insufferable bell-ends, and at least one actually looked a bit like Stuart Pearce.)
Further possible adjustment to the original lyrics: “I’m incredibly bored of the word ‘Olympics’. I’m with Theodosius the First!” (This line added after reading about old Theo banned the ancient Games. I expect his tolerance was worn down after McDonalds started selling their own McHoumous down the amphitheatre).
14 July 2012
Chigley Skin
Rather than derailing the Dickie Davies Eyes thread any further, maybe it’s worthwhile setting out the suggested topical rewrite of ACP’s fourth verse here instead? No disrespect intended to Nigel’s fantastic original lyrics, but everything he says about the Millennium applies equally to this London 2012 bollocks, and is worth a try at updating.
With any luck, NB57 may get wind of this half-arsed attempt, laugh at it, and then go off and write something infinitely better…
I’m incredibly bored with the word ‘Olympics’
I’m with Theodosius the First
They’ve got Team GB endorsed by Plan B
With McGold medals from Lloyds TSB
The torch light licking up the Houses of Parliament
Death in Trafalgar Square, death in the armchair
Of cliched old spinsters who’ve never been loved
Every day is Australia Day
Sons & Daughters of Home & Away
And then the news comes on and the sound goes down
Cos she can’t be bothered with all them politicians
They’re all just a bunch of flaming drongos…
She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused
There’s not enough hospital beds cos all the money’s been used
On the laughable London ‘Lympic wankfest
And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was
Becks, crying cos he “feels left out of it”
Becks, crying cos he “feels left out of it”…
Suggestions or amendments more than welcome!
14 July 2012
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
@ Chigley Skin. Chapeau. I’m loving the Theodosius the First line. Worthy of the great man himself IMO.
The Aussie soap bit doesn’t really fit with the Olympic theme so what about…..
Every day is a Torch Relay
Specious and cliched street cabaret.
14 July 2012
No Legs Best
I reckon the last thing she saw in her life was: Boris ogling the Brazilians on Horseguards…
14 July 2012
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Whoops, too many cliches.
I’ll suggest an amended amendment.
Every day is a Torch Relay
Specious and trite street cabaret
14 July 2012
Charles Exford
One live version last year had “all the money’s been used on the Olympics preparations”, and at last month’s Leeds gig we had “incredibly bored with the Olympic torch relay”.
14 July 2012
Chigley Skin
Great suggestions – I particularly agree with the change to the Australia Day line – and good to hear Nigel’s been keeping it topical in live versions as well!
14 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
No! Oh oh oh
Too late!
They’re knocking down the houses in the Stratford end of town
I think I’ll catch pneumonia, the rain is tipping down
G4S have Tasered Daley with one hundred thousand volts
and an anti-aircraft missile has disintegrated Usain Bolt
Guy Garvey has been CS-gassed at his games-opening gig
The TSG are batoning officials on the lig
The Met police have kettled up the sponsors in The Mall
And Boris has been pelted with whiff-whaff bats and balls
Someone get the message through to Tony Blair
that he has medalled – silver – for his astounding hair
and keep David Cameron right out of sight
there’s gonna be some apathy in London tonight
Xtube has put cameras in all the athletes’ rooms
The RAF has strafed the sailors with supersonic booms
Teresa’s called the army in, but they cannot be found,
They’re digging field entrenchments at the Ricoh football ground
The Bullingdon are touting all their tickets in the street
But they can’t get no takers, there’s no-one wants a seat
The looters are all putting back the TVs that they stole
And heading off to Cheddar Gorge to hide in a deep hole
@CtSO, I think we definitely need a new thread for affectionate parodies.
14 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
Rapid revision, too many syllables in the original version: “has been launched at Usain Bolt”‘.
14 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
@Chigley Skin. Gripped by creative frenzy, I seem to have forgotten to say how much I liked your rewrite, and that it inspired me to have a go at another song, ACP being now spoken for.
15 July 2012
Chigley Skin
No worries, although I’m slightly concerned now in case we’ve unleashed a monster! What’ll be next to get an Olympic rewrite? Slight Reprise? Visitor For Mr Edmonds? 13 Eurogoths? Answer me that, and you could win a cruise.
16 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
For what it’s worth, I’ve always pronounced “alms” with short ‘a’ and lightly-vocalised ‘l’; Teesside I think. But never mind that, just listen to the scorn NB gets into the word.
If you’ve ever been in a Mediterranean market, you’ll recognise that figs are excellent pelting fruit; in the Far East, overripe kumquats serve the same function. (Landlord! two pints of throwing bitter please!)
Another possible source for the two opening lines is Tales Of The Khoja by Juliana Ewing. Search, and you will find “beggar”/”alms” in one story and “pelted”/”figs” in another.
I think the “Oh the la-ady” yodel is derived from Lovesick Blues; Hank Williams, Jr feels more likely to me than Frank Ifield. (Yes, I do know where he was born.) OMG, the state of the charts in 1962 … though I’m pretty certain I remember Alan Freeman playing an odd, angular new entry into the Top20 by some unknowns from Merseyside …
18 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
Oh – and “flaming drongos” is authentic digger lingo, tying in with Australia Day. I worked alongside a couple of them in the early 70s, and it was very much a CP; perhaps reinforced by the Barry MacKenzie (i.e. Humphries) cartoon in Private Eye.
18 July 2012
Charles Exford
I think the point is that it’s the language of “Sons and Daughters” & “Home and Away” (though more frequent in the latter).
18 July 2012
John Burscough
Another possible source of the fig-pelted beggar: Djuha, the “wise fool” of C13th Middle Eastern legend (cf the slightly later Middle Low German Till Eulenspiegel).
18 July 2012
Charles Exford
Yes, that’s one variation of the folk tale I was referring to above.
18 July 2012
MIKE IN COV
“Millions Now Living Will Never Die” is a 1920 booklet by J F Rutherford; he was president of the Watch Tower Society at the time. Witnesses still try to force it into your hands. The Wikipedia article on him describes infighting among the Witnesses and the doctrinal changes he introduced; it is highly informative.
26 July 2012
John Burscough
Funnily enough, only last month an Aussie politician was bemoaning the impending waste of millions earmarked for the health system in Tasmania.
http://mps.tas.greens.org.au/2012/06/plibersek%E2%80%99s-u-turn-health-cash-tipped-into-leaky-bucket/
26 July 2012
ACIDIC REGULATOR
Watching some of the opening ceremony, I wish I’d written “And Danny Boyle was CS-gassed”. We could have sold tickets. Not that I’m letting you off, Guy.
“Flaming drongos” definitely looks like an Oz soap reference, buttressed by its being authentic Strine.
The BBC team is extraordinarily well-furnished with boring factoids, although I’m sure I did just hear one of them refer to Madagascar as an island off the west coast of Africa. Frank Turner, where were you when you were needed?
Bring on the actual competition. I’m really looking forward to the throwing events, in which I hear that Boris has volunteered to serve as live target.
27 July 2012
Chigley Skin
“Frank Turner, where were you when you were needed?”
Playing the Olympic ceremony pre-show party, apparently. Not going to defend him for that one at all; from mad anarchist to McDonalds apologist in ten years. Still, I suppose it paid well. And at least he seems to know where London is on a map.
28 July 2012
ACIDIC REGULATOR
Whoever made that video which opened the 9pm programme did a sterling job. I spotted four apt musical references (Who, Floyd, Pistols, Clash). What did I miss?
28 July 2012
ACIDIC REGULATOR
The video was directed by Danny Boyle. (And I forgot to mention the Eton Boating Song,)
28 July 2012
ACIDIC REGULATOR
I’m now certain that the closing yodel in ACP is adapted from Jimmie Rodgers’s T For Texas (Exxo has already asserted this in another thread I think). What convinces me is, that another part of this very same song is quoted in Moody Chops.
13 August 2012
ACIDIC REGULATOR
“They Died With Their Boots On”, 1941 Western. Any takers for this as conscious or unconscious inspiration? I also have a vague memory that the title may have been parodied by Monty Python or someone.
15 September 2012
Exxo
“X died with (his/her/their) X on” has such been a common and oft-adapted/oft-parodied pattern that it may well just be the pattern itself that is being parodied.
My own personal favourite “they died with their astros on” heroes are of course the MRTA 1996 Japanese embassy crew.
16 September 2012
John Burscough
Another example being the Iron Maiden track ‘Die with Your Boots On’ from their 1983 album ‘Piece of Mind’ (which also includes the track ‘Revelations’).
16 September 2012
vendor of quack nostrums
Into the mix: He died with a falafel in his hand. (Novel 1994. Film 2001).
Full version available on youtube if you are a fan of Australian romantic comedy.
16 September 2012
jitsu_g
Australia day again. Seems to come around quick these days
26 January 2013
mate of the bloke
Channel hopping on the tv this morning saw me watching ‘The Big Match Revisited’ introduced by Elton Welsby…no sign of a French maid though.
8 April 2013
Iain Godwin-Law
she died with her telly on, 87 and confused…
10 April 2013
Rob k
I came on here just to see if anyone else had thought of that lyric in the last few days.
12 April 2013