One of those wonderful flights of fantasy in the style of The Ballad of Climie Fisher or Epiphany, Descent Of The Stiperstones allows an almost unlimited number of obscure references to people, places and cultural artefacts both real and – most likely – occasionally imaginary. Apparently, Stockport County fans used to chant Arthur Brownlow’s name a lot. It could take a long time to dissect this one fully. Thanks to Third Rate Les, DB, Jon D and Paul Rodgers (Crimond).
See lyrics to Descent Of The Stiperstones
Third Rate Les
Apparently Mercy Rimell, painter of “The Raging Ostler” in the Stiperstones shop, is a horse trainer, and indeed the only woman ever to train a Cheltenham Champion Hurdle winner. Wife of the Grand National legendary trainer Fred.
An Ostler is a stableman.
So now my only area of doubt is the name of the chandler – Bunner, perhaps. Maybe I need to look up names of chandlers between Snailbeach and Montgomery.
18 September 2011
Third Rate Les
and it’s a mannequin dressed as Warden Hodges, of Dad’s Army. Was never a big Dad’s Army fan so missed that one first time round.
Right, time to turn to another song before I start dreaming about post-apocalypic allen keys and Spencer the half-wit.
18 September 2011
Third Rate Les
actually, that should be Allen key, looking at it (and ignoring the typo on “apocalyptic”, of course)
arrrggghh – stop! stop!
18 September 2011
S.G.D A SHROPSHIRE LAD
http://www.rhbunner.co.uk/
but there was no need to go all the way to Montgomery, he could have popped in to the shop next to the Stiperstones, John would have seen him right.
18 September 2011
S.G.D A SHROPSHIRE LAD
The “Franklin” doll’s house is two-storey with hinged roof attic and side hinged opening. Interior walls with doors.
Approx size:
27″ (68cm) high
26″ (66cm) wide
13.5″ (34cm) deep
18 September 2011
Norbert D
That link from SGD is amazing. I had wondered whether the chandler’s in this song was based on a real place, but finally concluded “nahhhhhhhh, of course it’s not”. What do I know, eh?
And the first time I clicked on the link, I got The Franklin on the front page.
18 September 2011
Ceri
“Cofiwch Dryweryn” – see this story.
22 September 2011
Norbert D
It is as well.
Sad to see The Curse Of HMHB has now extended its reach to things written on walls. Before release date too – is that a record?
23 September 2011
Charles Exford
@ Ceri – well played, if it is that, you beat me to it. For the last week I’ve reckoned, going from the comments above, that that would be what the doormat says, but this is the final track off the album that I haven’t (officially) listened to yet.
( Childish? Me? Nah. I’m actually quite proud of myself for claiming The Project’s first “I would have got it it first if I’d heard it before, even though actually I don’t even know that’s what it really is yet.”)
23 September 2011
Ceri
@ Norbert D – the story is about a year old, probably not related to this particular release.
@ Exxo, I don’t know what to say. Good first though!
23 September 2011
Charles Exford
It’s a piece of graffiti and of history that NB would have been very familiar with before that. But the story would be perfectly timed for the finishing off of lyrics for this album, given that 8 tracks were ready by August, we were told last year on the wireless, and apparently it all 12 were written & ready to be recorded by the end of 2010. Yes, it took 6 months to record, one way or another.
23 September 2011
Geordie Paul
Descent of the Stiperstones has the potential to become like 24 hour Garage People when played live due to the bizarre randomness of the things in the shop. My favourites are “crucifiction nails” and the absolutely brilliant “jar of language pills”.
25 September 2011
Geordie Paul
or should that be crucifixion?….probably.
25 September 2011
DS
The Welsh expression is “Cofiwch Dryweryn”, I think. Which, in English translates to ‘Remember Tryweryn’. This is apparently connected to Welsh nationalism, as Tryweryn was a place in Gwynedd which was subsumed by water to create the Llyn Celyn reservoir for provision of water supply to Liverpool, in much the same way as the Kielder project in the North East.
There is also the suspicion of part of the redevelopment being connected to new tourist housing which, not unreasonably, may have got the locals backs up a bit; the landscape they lived in had been run over roughshod by the powers in Westminster who approved the scheme, in spite of vociferous Welsh opposition. And then they were building house for English tourists to come and visit it.
PS – ‘Woolyback’ was/is common up on Teesside, though not shortened to ‘wool’. My old Grandad, who was from rural North Yorkshire used it a bit and he’s been dead well over 30 years now.
29 September 2011
gordo
Descent Of The Stiperstones was played by Bob Fischer (who once in a very unfair Bad Review was described as making Terry Wogan seem like John Pilger) on BBC Tees. He usually plays a bit of HMHB every few weeks or so. By the way who else has noticed the Stylophone at the end of the song? It’s good to see that Rolf Harris continues to influence cutting edge music.
29 September 2011
Peter Gandy
Hooray, my indigestion is now cured as 90 Bisodol arrived today and has been playing on a loop since!
I’ve been avoiding the discussions until I’d listened to the album so apologies if anyone else has said this, but the end of Stiperstones reminds me of Lee Renaldo’s stream of consciousness on the Cribs’ Be Safe. Do you reckon that Nigel was feeling a bit cursed and sore?
30 September 2011
Jitsu_g
Although not being of an age or a fan (of Crossroads), this does explain a few of the references in the song…
2 October 2011
Mr Galbraith
Ah – so it’s TRIFFID seeds is it? Lovely – can now sing along to this and not just mumble it incoherently! What kind of watering can is it though? Can’t for anything make it out…
3 October 2011
S.G.D A SHROPSHIRE LAD
Mr Galbraith, I am hearing “phallic watering-can” but I am usually wrong.
3 October 2011
Gok Wan Acolyte
Loving the album, but I can’t quite understand the significance of Spencer the Halfwit sniggering “the 46th Psalm” – it’s unlikely Nigel has picked a psalm at random but I can’t relate it back to the rest of the lyrics.
Barack Obama read the 46th psalm in his 9/11 commemorative speech – what are the odds on him being an HMHB fan?
4 October 2011
Third Rate Les
I suspect it’s just because it’s one which has quite a bit of sound and fury before it all calms down into the “be still and know” bit.
Barack Obama too, eh? I’m puzzled that the wall-to-wall coverage of the Michael Jackson trial hasn’t mentioned his HMHB t-shirt yet.
4 October 2011
neilthechimp
But while on the subject of pointless pondering….
I’ve been considering the line in Stiperstones where it’s suggested the Crossroads woman’s Dad was knocked over while staggering home drunkenly from a triumphant bowls match.
Can a match itself be triumphant? Surely the victor would be triumphant, not the match itself as a match usually has at least as many losers as winners.
I can see how someone might stagger triumphantly drunk or stagger drunkenly triumphant but I’m struggling with the idea of an entire match being triumphant.
I suppose there’s the scenario like the one at Anfield in 95 when Blackburn lost the game but won the league, United only managing a draw at Upton Park. So in this case the match at Anfield COULD be described as triumphant, a WIN/WIN if you will. Everyone went home happy and I recall lots of drunken staggering later that day.
I’m not sufficiently well up on Crossroads (although I can whistle the theme tune) to know whether the bowls match in question falls into this rare category and if it does then hats off to Nigel. But I need convincing.
4 October 2011
Third Rate Les
While we’re on the pedantic nitpicking, I’d also suggest that “the wretch may get tetchy and leave” in The Coroner’s Footnote isn’t quite the right word either to describe the bad guy. Still, in that case it’s worth it for the wonderful bit of assonance and alliteration.
I think you could, however, describe a tournament as “triumphant”. You could, after all, describe Blackburn’s whole 1995 season (to pick up your theme with enthusiasm) as “triumphant”, not just individual matches such as, to pick some entirely at random, any of their six league matches against Burnley since the late 70s.
4 October 2011
John Anderson
The item that Lynette McMorrough has on order sounds something like “carbon knockdown pop” but I was never a great fan of Crossroads so I may be missing something. See also “bag of woods”. It’s the one line on the album that’s driving me mad.
9 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
“to carve a knocked down pop” as in “create a replica of her run-over dad”, “bag of woods” in reference to the triumphant bowls tournament.
10 October 2011
Charles Exford
It’s “all you need now is the car that knocked down pop”.
Hence having it on order.
10 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
Fair enough, didn’t sound that clear to me either.
10 October 2011
John Anderson
Thnak you, I can now return to normal life.
10 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
I wonder whether we need to add shoplifting to Nigel’s list of crimes on this album? I’m not sure he actually pays for the Swarfega in his haste to leave the store.
10 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Arrrh yes, “the car that knocked down Pop”. That’s been doing my head in, that has.
Now, you say ‘toff oooo’, I say ‘toe fu’, let’s call the whol……………..
10 October 2011
neilthechimp
I’ve got a couple of pedantic nit-picks from the Stiperstones lyrics for what it’s worth.
Firstly, is it possible to be ‘more than certain’ as is our narrator as he heads off to the chandlers for his swarfega? Like big-hearted footballers short on skill being described as always giving 110% this doesn’t sit right with me.
And I’m also more than certain that tofu isn’t malleable enough to re-shape over time and thereby replicate the female form throughout gestation. Marzipan would be a far more suitable material. No wonder he made for the exit.
Can you tell I’ve got nothing better to do?
For sure.
10 October 2011
That Swan
Toffee surely, rather than Tofu.
10 October 2011
neilthechimp
He’s not saying toffee is he? Shit.
The cd is in my van and it’s pissing down so I won’t check this until tomorrow but if it’s toffee I stand corrected. 110%.
However, and as I’ve already pointed out I’ve nothing better to do, I’ve had a google at Montgomery and the Bunners therein isn’t a chandler but an ironmonger (as it says on the shopfront, on the website they describe themselves as a ‘hardware store’). They do, however, sell this item…
10 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
Tofu, indubitably.
11 October 2011
Paul F
I thought toffee on first hearing it but realised it was tofu on about the fourth run through.
11 October 2011
Paul F
Took me ages to get “old Boney” – for a while I wondered whether I was mis-hearing “hussars” and that if I could work out what it really was, the next line would fall into place.
11 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
I would worry about the effectiveness of bellying up, as it were, with silken tofu, as, although pliable, it’s not really malleable. It would break up if you tried to shape it. Regular bean curd might be an option but I’d be inclined to go with the smoked stuff. It’s firmer and would probably retain its shape better. Might smell though.
11 October 2011
John Burscough
This Japanese sculptor seems to have bellied tofu up reasonably well.
11 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Wow. I’m impressed!
11 October 2011
Charles Exford
The lad from school I played most of my subbuteo with was nicknamed ‘Boney’ because of the way his vast array of Napoleonic divisions, resplendent in every appropriate shade of Humbrol, dominated the after-school wargames club. At least I think that was the reason.
My poor Airfix hussars never stood a chance against his heavy cuirassiers, and no Prussian divisions ever appeared over the hill to save my day, but at least those embattled years helped me pick up this lyric.
11 October 2011
Paul F
Exxo – your post has just brought to my mind a long-forgotten episode of Michael Bentine’s Potty Time which re-enacted the Battle of Waterloo. The late arriving Prussians were in tanks I seem to recall.
11 October 2011
dagenham dave
ah ‘Boney’ is it? That makes a lot more sense that ‘old phoney’ as I first heard.
11 October 2011
neilthechimp
@ John Burscough
That’s a beautiful image mate but I’m looking at this in a stop-motion way whereby the form metamorphosises over the whole nine months and tofu, smoked or otherwise, just wouldn’t do the job.
I really can’t see beyond marzipan here and, before you ask, yes I have considered fondant icing; and I think Nigel needs to hold his hands up for once and admit he’s sold us short.
It really is no wonder our cities erupt in violent disorder at the doff of a cap when the people in whom we place our trust take liberties with our understanding of what makes a suitable bellying up material.
I feel a letter to the Echo coming on.
11 October 2011
neilthechimp
And, for what it’s worth, I’m working in Burscough tomorrow. So there.
good night
11 October 2011
chris from future doom
Remember in the song it’s McMorrough claiming tofu is best for the job, so let’s give Nigel his due and just assume he’s using it to comment on how misguided she is.
12 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
Anyway, it’s not just the bellying up that is going to be tofu. The intention is to replace all the doll’s plastic with the bland, tasteless yet nutritious substance. This raises a philosophical question. If she was to successfully complete said transplant, would it be the same doll?
12 October 2011
Littlegrafter
Surely the whole point of Nigel wanting to leave the store in haste was the unsuitability of Tofu as a bellying up agent. Perhaps he went off to find something more appropriate so that he could return and demonstrate the attributes of some other material.
Otherwise, Bunners really reminds me of Smails in Morpeth, a shop that has everything for sale. I guess everyone probably has their own…
12 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
Judging by some of the items on show on their website Bunner’s sells the good, the bad and the downright ugly. It is not there to cater for people’s needs, it is there to cater for the darkest urges mankind has. The reason those hussars are dusty is because no-one makes a purchase. Customer fall into two camps: those like Nigel who want a practical item and those like McMurrough who wait in vain for special orders, but also crucially scare the sane customers such as Nigel off.
What he’s really saying is that shops in more rural or coastal locations rarely sell practical stuff people need, catering as they do to tourists who might want a jigsaw of Nazi war criminals. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if Bunner’s sold Joy Division Oven Gloves.
This song is every bit as good as A Country Practice, 24 Hour Garage People and National Shite Day at portraying the state of Brtain. I love it.
12 October 2011
Charles Exford
But unlike those other songs, alas, it will presumably never be played live due to the lack of an organist.
So, given the fact that those post-apocalyptic Allen keys have already made a live appearance in a recent version of 24HGP, as did an obscure celebrity jigsaw (though not of Nazi war criminals), I would like to offer you the following extremely ungenerous odds on items from Bunner’s which may or may not soon be on sale at the local Shell station. Odds refer to the next ‘Stiperstones’ item to be referred to in a live version of 24HGP only.
3-1 Jar of Swarfega
7/2 Packet of Tofu
11/2 Any item of Crossroads memorabilia
6-1 Model car (of any type that mowed down anyone in any soap)
8-1 Any item of Warden Hodges memorabilia (or other ARP-branded item)
10-1 Doormat with any Welsh nationalist slogan
12-1 Jar of language pills
14-1 Drip-free teapot
18-1 Box of Hussars
20-1 Phallic Watering can
22-1 Signed photograph of Eric Hall
25-1 Doll’s house (any model)
36-1 Any Nazi-related jigsaw
45-1 Ice Rink for model village
50-1 Packet of Triffid seeds
57-1 Davenport
70-1 Ben Sayer 4-Iron
90-1 Set of Bowls Woods
150-1 an actual boulder from atop the ‘stones
200-1 any Witch’s curse
250-1 any Psalter or Psalm-sheet for the 46th psalm or any hymns based on it.
300-1 set of Crucifixion nails
400-1 pair of Polo-necked jeans (though I was tempted to write polar- necked, a debate which I am proud to hereby initiate)
*Others on request.
**Members of the band, their relatives and mates of the bloke who does the PA are excluded from participating.
12 October 2011
Chesneywold
Charlie your overround is greater than 140%!
This isn’t Aintree.
12 October 2011
Charles Exford
Oh I know what my risks are alright Chesney. For all I know, some of the know-it-alls and faux-naïfs on here may be members of the band incognito, waiting to take advantage of their insider knowledge à la pop Rooney. 145-150% is more than generous I reckon.
12 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
I like the idea of “packet of Tofu, what shapes have you got?”
12 October 2011
chris from future doom
Don’t think this has been mentioned before, and sorry if it’s too obvious, but this whole song, it’s basically the League of Gentlemen set to music, isn’t it?
12 October 2011
micky (the hoss)
Enjoy, Cheers, mickythehoss
12 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
And enjoy I did Micky, particularly the jigsaw of Nazi war criminals.
12 October 2011
Third Rate Les
I think the commas are wrong in the Hussars sentence. It should be:
in addition to the Swarfega, which I finally located on a shelf next to a box of Hussars who, in spite of their dusty neglect, appeared primed and ready for old Boney.
Also, I think it’s the 46th Psalm (I may have got that wrong in the mail I sent you!)
Also, is it really “fazed” rather than “phased”? I spose so.
15 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
‘old Boney’ should be ‘Old Boney’. ‘Old’ is part of the proper noun, not just an adjective.
15 October 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Thanks folks, all sorted. It most definitely is “fazed”, a completely different word to “phased”.
15 October 2011
Third Rate Les
I still don’t think there’s a comma after “shelf” or “Hussars”
15 October 2011
Littlegrafter
I really like the double meaning of the word ‘primed’ describing the Hussars. Ready for action or painted with primer ready for another coat of paint. Not sure whether it is intentional or not (though I bet it is).
15 October 2011
John Burscough
Isn’t it ‘Bunner the Chandler’ with a capital C (as in ‘Boots the Chemist’)? Contrariwise, a davenport, a type of sofa thought to be named after someone who once ordered one, has no capital.
Most crucially though, it’s Ben Sayers (he must despair). (D’oh! – Ed)
15 October 2011
Broadstairs
I don’t post on here often, but I must say, I really enjoy reading this stuff. Many thanks for the entertainment.
16 October 2011
celery
I think it should be “Monster! Monster!” Firstly, it sounds very much like an exclamation to me, and secondly, a quick glance at Wikipedia confirmed that the flamboyent football agent Eric Hall mentioned immediately prior to this titled his autobiography ‘Monster!: True Tales From A Showbiz Life”.
16 October 2011
Chigley Skin
I’ve been hearing “the WRITTEN curse of a witch from Oswestry”, rather than “missing”. Not least because if it’s on the shelf at Bunners, then it evidently isn’t missing…
Oh, and to be ultra-mega-pedantic: it’s “her dad”, with a small d. Only spelled with a capital d if you’re using it as a term of address.
16 October 2011
Third Rate Les
seconded Celery’s comment. “Monster, monster” isn’t right. I was going to say the same thing but I felt I’d said enough.
And Chigley’s right about the capitalisation, so second that one too.
16 October 2011
Charles Exford
Epic song – great work everyone. Various points and responses to other points above.
1. Yes, he was Ben Sayers and the brand is/was Ben Sayers, but that’s not what NB57 says. Whenever as a teenager I walked on down the hall and announced ‘grandfather, I’d like to borrow your golf clubs’, they were Ben Sayers irons but I bet I said ‘Ben Sayer’ sometimes, as does NB57 on this track. Perhaps subconsciously the error comes about because you aren’t talking about ‘Ben Sayers’ clubs’, which it might sound like in the plural.
2. Some commas are essential, some commas are wrong, but many are just stylistic. The arrangement suggested by Les seems stylistically more elegant than Chris’ current arrangement of that sentence – but Chris’ isn’t actually ‘wrong’. However, in the final complete sentence, the comma before ‘found’ is definitely wrong.
3. As “monster, monster” is a quote of hall’s most famous catchphrase, I’d personally go for
“… Eric Hall – monster, monster.” I’d use speech marks around “monster, monster” if I didn’t know that Chris tries to avoid them whenever possible. Chris feels, I gather, that speech marks put too much interpretation onto what’s a quote and what isn’t, in an entire body of work where almost every other phrase is in some way a direct or indirect quotation, or a play on a quote or common phrase. But the exclamation marks proposed by others in my view would take away the feeling of weary, almost reluctant piss-taking in Nigel’s phrasing.
4. More stylistics. I advise my students to try to avoid multiple ‘ands’ in sentences wherever possible. But you might argue that it’s what Nigel says, and – oh no! Wouldn’t that mean putting a full stop and starting a new sentence with ‘and’? The horror! But that’s how people speak, and when transcribing or imitating speech it’s often good style to put a full stop and start a sentence with ‘And’ or ‘But’, if otherwise it makes it difficult to read.
5. Right. The most controversial point of all. I’m sure NB57 says ‘polar-necked’, like we did and most people did when we were kids, reflecting the correct etymology of the term which has since become corrupted to ‘polo-necked’.
16 October 2011
Chris The Siteowner
I think generally I’m getting quite a lot of support there, Exxo, thanks. In the case of “Ben Sayer(s)”, I guess it shows that there are a few people on here whose corrections I just take as being, er, correct, without even listening to the song again to check. Sloppy. As regards the commas, I’m trying to spell the interviewee’s laugh here – if NB57 takes a deliberate pause, I try to represent it with a comma. Hope it doesn’t offend. I like Exxo’s hyphenated compromise for the doomed Mr Hall’s catchphrase. “Dad” is indeed better with a “d’ from the lower case, but I’m still inclined to select the chandler’s “c” from there too (although feel free to join the opposition). “Written” I definitely like, and I’d add that it’s “a” written curse too. Which probably leaves us with “polo” or “polar”…
16 October 2011
Charles Exford
Just to further clarify my own pedantry here: ‘Found’ should begin a new sentence as it’s an entirely new main clause (as opposed to, say, “I fled towards the church looking for sanctuary, finding….” or “I fled towards the church looking for sanctuary, where I found….”, which would both be fine as subordinate clauses after a comma). This sort of thing seems to be the main native speaker error with commas these days and it’s frightening how often you see a comma where there should be a full stop in even attempts at formal company documents, etc. However it’s definitely not an area where usage should be allowed to redefine the rule. That way would lie many perils, not least apostrophe chaos.
Obviously the transcribers of this site are a lot better than that sort of temporary secretary English, so I think in this case the confusion of whether it’s a new main clause or not comes about because of the ellipsis of the (understood but omitted) subject ‘I’ before ‘found’, plus the fatigue as the brain and fingers start to go in added time at the end of a particularly long song.
I should also clarify that I mean I’m sure he says “polar”, but I added the “-ed” to “necked” myself, by accident. That “-ed” may or may not be there. Further investrigation needed.
16 October 2011
Third Rate Les
Seconded “polar”.
16 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
A few points of order, in order of appearance in the lyric:
Dolls’ houses – these are rarely for just the one doll (similar to players’ agent) – see here for examples;
Such was the stock at Bunner’s – another apostrophe related opinion from me;
A wizened curse – surely ‘wizened’ works better than written. It could also be wizen? My ears can’t tell for certain, but have a read of this Welsh Fairy Tale – I think it ties in nicely with the brush doormat;
Monster! Monster! – on the cover of Hall’s book ‘monster’ is capitalised and exclaimed. He would always exclaim monster and nearly always double it. I would imagine the photograph would have the words Monster! Monster! as a greeting.
That’ll do for now.
16 October 2011
john burscough
Apologies for the ‘Sayers’ sloppiness, Chris – if I’d gone out to the car to get the CD I would have realised that ‘Sayer’ was canonic.
16 October 2011
Chris The Siteowner
Exxo: could we compromise on a semicolon before “found”? A full-stop just seems a bit, well, final.
Paul R (C): I agonised over the doll’s houses apostrophe but now you’ve made me come over all uncertain again, made worse by some research which seems to indicate that the term most often has no apostrophe at all. I throw the case open. As for “Bunner’s”, I think we decided two years ago that a shop should have an apostrophe, so thanks for that. “Wizened” is a possibility – anyone else hear it? I still don’t like the idea of Eric Hall inserting his self-publicising exclamation marks into any HMHB song though.
16 October 2011
dagenham Dave
I’m with the ‘polo-necked’ camp.
16 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
Polo-necked for me too, it makes (non)sense in the context of the verse and might just sound like polar because of the urgency with which it is delivered. May I just say that Nigel’s vocals seem to get better and better with each album, particularly his delivery on the talky ones.
16 October 2011
Charles Exford
Just to clarify, Spencer – both “polar-neck” and polo-neck” (and “-necked”). mean one and the same thing, so they both make equal sense to someone who knows both versions. The latter has become far more common; the former is the original version, and when I was a kid, on the Wirral (and I’m exactly the same age as… blablabla) my family said “polar-neck” and so did most people we knew, so I always have.
I totally agree that on this album, and particularly on this track, there is especially clear, some might say deliberately clear diction. Funny, that.
16 October 2011
Charles Exford
@ Chris – the colonic option is infinitely preferable to the comma. Thanks.
@ suggested alternatives to ‘missing’ – I can’t hear any reason to doubt that it’s ‘missing’.
@ Mickey. Thanks – I loved the video but Mrs Exford was particularly grateful, saying it helped her visualise items that were beyond her tender years to understand. And thanks especially for the hussars, in the very same box that I bought a couple of from Woolies. Very tempted to go on ebay for yet another pointless nostalgic re-puchase of those.
@Little Grafter – interesting. As a lad I used to purchase a fair few model soldiers, both metal and plastic, and used to pore endlessly over the catalogues scrutinising everything I couldn’t have, but never remember any coming ready-painted with a primer.
17 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
@ Chris the Siteowner the reason I went with wizened or wizen curse is because Nigel is listing a whole host of unlikely things. In my book it would be far easier to purchase a written curse from a witch from Oswestry than it would be to purchase a wizened (or wrinkly- seemingly most often used in the context of describing witches) curse. It also seems a little over coincidental that two lines in the song refer to the flooding of a village, especially when the witch who laid the curse was most certainly wizened.
PS Don’t call me Arsey!
17 October 2011
Chigley Skin
“Wizened” is actually a cracking suggestion, and I’m hugely swayed by the logic behind it. I still think “written” is an equally strong contender, but unfortunately I just can’t hear an “m” sound at the beginning of the word to suggest that it might actually be “missing”.
Still, wouldn’t be the first time we’ve been led up the garden path with pronunciations, would it? If anyone needs me, I’ll be wankeling the zeitgeist.
17 October 2011
Third Rate Les
It had never occurred to me that polar-necked and polo-necked meant the same thing. Polo-necked to me means a black tight-fitting thing that an Apple Mac enthusiast might wear. Polar-necked is something that my mum used to make me wear when it was cold out.
On the diction, one thing I find intriguing is that he ellides a rather lazy “Iguana-r-Andy” in Fun Day, but makes a very marked distinction in this one for “four-iron”, (pronouncing it “faw-iron” with a stop in the middle). Obviously one’s verse and one’s spoken prose so that’s why.
17 October 2011
Steve_nicholls
What’s a chandler if you can’t see a Lynette?
17 October 2011
Shirley Dimensions
Dolls’ instead of doll’s? I feel like I’m on ‘Countdown’ going for ‘a risky seven’
17 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
I’m still pondering over the way it sounds like a ‘bent’ Sayer four-iron, although I’m sure it’s not.
17 October 2011
dagenham Dave
Spencer, I’m with you on that one. I was confused why anyone would want a bent iron, but then I know nothing about golf ….
17 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
@ Shirley Dimensions Let’s hear it, your risky seven.
18 October 2011
Shirley Dimensions
I believe it to be “dolls’ house” and not “doll’s house”. It’s definitely “Ben Sayer four iron”. I used to have a Ben Sayer pitching wedge if memory serves. Actually, the golfing equipments is ‘Ben Sayers’ with an ‘s’, though I doubt NB57 knows that…he’s probably a ‘Ping’ man
I no longer play golf though not on account of it being in any way a particularly awful sport…more the fact I was very shit at it 
18 October 2011
Shirley Dimensions
‘equipment’ doesn’t have an ‘s’ even though I seem to have treat it to one one above, presumably so it didn’t feel left out. Sayer however does, though not HMHB lyrically speaking.
18 October 2011
harry powell
triffid seeds
we all need them
18 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
@ Shirley Dimensions I agree it should be dolls’ house, as you can’t hear the apostrophe although it should be there. Ben Sayer four-iron is what Nigel says, so it should stand, possibly as a nod from Nigel to his own broadsides about the book of revelation and Mary Hopkin.
18 October 2011
Paul Rodgers (Crimond)
@ Third Rate Les What came first the iguana or the banana?
18 October 2011
bomaya
I thought it was a ‘missing’ curse as well.
I wonder if this store if the same one as visited in Not the Nine O’Clock News’ Gift Shop ‘skit’? I was hoping NB will add a ‘rampant mackerel ashtray’ into the list.
18 October 2011
sgd
diligently fashioned in blue onyx?
18 October 2011
Charles Exford
Yep, it’s “missing” – that’s what he says. If you can’t hear it, please try harder, or less hard, or something. Could more of the silent majority who know that’s what it is please speak up here? Imagine: they came for the “missing” and I did nothing.
I must say I’m mystified by the “definitely like” and the “cracking suggestion” and the “works better”, etc. On the other hand the original “I’ve been hearing” I can understand, if that’s what you hear, even if you’re wrong.
And I don’t know why the curse is missing either, and I don’t need to know, I just know it’s turned up, probably many years later, at the back of Bunner’s. Good.
[But who knows, it might have come from Whittington Castle, just outside Oswestry - cracking Hallowe'en shenanigans there for the kids, I'm told].
18 October 2011
Third rate Les in his Burberry fez
Exxo is, as ever, quite right. I can’t hear anything other than “missing”.
18 October 2011
Chigley Skin
If that’s what you hear, fair play. If you get confirmation from Nigel himself, better still. Until then, I’ll sing “written”, because that’s honestly what it sounds like to me.
19 October 2011
Chris The Siteowner
So the majority verdict of those with an opinion is “missing” rather than “written” or “wizened” then?
19 October 2011
SPENCER THE HALFWIT
Intrigued by the prospect of anybody singing the talky bit, given that it’s not very [pause] “song-based”. For the record, I originally heard it as ‘missing’ but once it was called into question found it more and more difficult to discern what it actually is.
19 October 2011
john burscough
Missing.
19 October 2011
Norbert D
Written.
I seem to be able to hear the r-sound at the beginning extremely clearly, especially on headphones. My guess is that he’s specifying “written” in case anyone imagined the curse as an abstract thing somehow in effect in Bunner’s.
But then, every time I play it, the second part of the word seems to switch between “itten” and “issin’”, both seeming equally clear on their day. Thing is, Merseyside accents don’t really have a hard “t” sound, do they? And when the hard “t” sound is “forced”, it often comes out sounding a bit like an s, especially when half-buried by musical instruments and backing vocals.
Yep, sticking with “written”.
19 October 2011
Norbert D
OK, if anyone’s THAT bothered, I’ve slowed it down and repeated it and saved it to an mp3 file, so if you want to hear the phrase four times in a row at half speed, here it is. Still going with “written”, said with a Merseyside accent.
19 October 2011
Charles Exford
Well if they aren’t that bothered what are they doing here? So thanks for this, Norbert.
But can I just ask was it before or after you slowed it down that you decided it was ‘written’ ?
I ask because slowing it down does seem to confuse matters. I’ve given up slowing down since it produced (when I wasn’t even doubting “autumn” in the first place) my infamous “Ollerton” suggestion.
19 October 2011
Vendor of Quack Nostrums
TBH Norbert’s slowing down experiment has left me more undecided than before. If pushed (from the top of the Stiperstones), I’d lean slighly towards written but I’d rather it was missing.
19 October 2011
Norbert D
“Well if they aren’t that bothered what are they doing here?”
This is an excellent point.
I was 75% sure on “written” before the slowing down, 95% sure afterwards. And 100% sure that the accent is what’s confusing matters, managing to turn “written” into something close to “rissin”.
19 October 2011
Charles Exford
And as he journeyed, it came to pass that he drew nigh unto Damascus: and suddenly there shone round about him a light out of heaven: and he fell upon the earth, and heard a voice saying unto him:
Exxo, Exxo, why persecutest thou me, you big pompous twat?
And Exxo saith, “Oh bugger – it is “written”, isn’t it?”
And immediately there fell from his eyes as it had been scales: and he received sight forthwith, and arose, and went forth to spread the word.
21 October 2011
Third Rate Les
The filioque controversy had nothing on this.
I’ll go with the Doctrine of Exxo Infallibility then. I can see the argument for a bit of sibilant “t” sound, plus the fact it’s more likely as something you might buy in a shop.
21 October 2011
Chesneywold
Are you sure it’s not ‘knitted’? mmm a nice knitted curse for the winter.
21 October 2011
Jim Wickham
I’m not sure if ‘written’ or ‘missing’ currently holds sway with regard to the curse, but I remain convinced that it’s ‘missing’. In the interests of creative writing, maybe the ‘hitherto’ remains the silent adverb to qualify ‘missing’. Obviously it can’t be missing if it’s in Bunners.
A great album, and this is my favourite right now. Alas for my employer, this has also become my favourite website – always something new and entertaining to divert me from the tedium of the non-HMHB world.
And yes, Chesneywold, I’d love a knitted curse to match my mittens (albeit wholly inappropriate garb for the Timor Sea)
25 October 2011
Paul F
I’m wondering whether there is a connection between Bunners advertising ATVs (All-terrain vehicles) on their website, and the Associated Television reference in the song. Probably not.
2 November 2011
Bob Theory
Do any of you people work?
3 November 2011
SwaledaleHenry
Stiperstones has some of the oldest holly trees in England, the pollards being in excess of 200 years old.
So there you go!
3 November 2011
dagenham Dave
Bob, If God had meant for us to work then I’m sure he would have given us jobs.
4 November 2011
Gregg Z
None of us work, Mr. Theory.
We’re all broken.
4 November 2011
John Anderson
My ipod shuffle came up with “What Do You Want From Life” by The Tubes the other day and I was struck by a few uncanny similarities between its spoken outro and the final lines of “Descent Of The Stiperstones.”
Both feature a list of imaginary consumer products and several seem to almost match up. I’ll leave you to decide whether there’s an eerie subtext:
A phallic watering can/A solid gold Kama Sutra coffee pot.
A jar of language pills/A year’s supply of antibiotics.
A jigsaw of Nazi war criminals/A beautifully restored Third Reich swizzle stick.
A written curse of a witch in Oswestry/Bob Dylan’s new unlisted phone number.
A signed photograph of former players’ agent Eric Hall/ A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth.
30 November 2011
Mr Galbraith
I’d like to add:
A can of strawberry-flavoured paint.
A hamster hair jumper of Winnie the Pooh.
A potato print of Colonel Gaddaffi.
The Jeremy Kyle book of Duck Lips.
5 December 2011
MIKE IN COV
Having done some exhaustive/ng googling on Oswestry witches, I can report that the place is infested with them. Nothing meaningful on curses though. Sorry.
5 July 2012
Wolfgang Bang
Hmm, seems to me that HMHB are doing a little tribute to Geordie ‘funsters’ the Toy Dolls. ‘Glenda and the test tube baby’. Its been turned around to Glenda and the toy dolls. Nice obscure reference. Chesil beach is far away in time indeed.
19 October 2012
JOHN RUFFORD
anyone been on Bunners website lately, it’s gone all “Fun Day In The Park” on us…
24 November 2012